Coming Out On Facebook

I'm planning to post this as a facebook note tomorrow, along with changing my "interested in" to "Men". Mind you, anyone who knows me and follows me on facebook has got to know by now, but I really want to clear the air and make official on my one year anniversary. Let me know what you think, or suggest additions/subtractions/rewordings.

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Twenty-three years ago today, I was born in Springville, UT. And humorously, was also the last time I'd ever be inside a vagina.

Yup, I'm gay.

I hope that made you laugh, because being gay has been a source of far too much anguish in the past. So yeah, about the past. What's the deal?

One year ago, I came out to my brother David and my sister Sarah, in an e-mail prior to meeting with them in Las Vegas for my 22nd birthday. From that point on, I began sharing this long hidden aspect of my personality with the rest of my family and friends. I began to earnestly seek to know myself--for the first time.

What I discovered is that I had spent my entire adolescent life running and fighting myself. After church one Sunday, in my junior year of college, I almost stepped off a subway platform in front of a Red Line train because I was in so much pain from hiding, knowing I'd never be free from this "affliction".

But after that brush with death, I started to ask myself--is this really right? Does God really want me to live this way? Constantly at war with myself, fighting tooth and nail, white-knuckling through life alone?

The answer, of course, is no.

This past year has been an incredible journey, and I still have so much to discover and learn about myself, my faith, and my future. I've got a lot of forgiving to do and a lot more work to undo the years of self punishment I needlessly endured.

To most of you, this will come as no surprise--if you pay attention to the groups I support and the articles I post, it is obvious. However, I wanted to take a moment on this one year anniversary and express it officially. I know now that being gay is actually a blessing--I'm being constantly challenged to learn and open my heart. And in my journey of self-discovery and authenticity, I've met dozens of fantastic friends who have enriched my life in ways I can't even express.

One year later. Finally out. Finally truthful. And finally free.

"One year older and wiser, too.
Happy Birthday to you.[1]"

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Thoughts? Too brief? Too detailed? Just right?

Depressed

I was really depressed last night. I couldn't get a hold of anyone.

That's when I feel the worst. Totally alone.

At least I was blessed with a dream that I had someone cute and nice with which to share my bed.

That's all it'll ever be though. I'm too settled, self deprecating and conservative to earn the love of another.

San Francisco, Affirmation, Old Friends and a Model A Ford

Apologies to those who have been waiting for my feedback on this last weekend in San Francisco (I'm looking at you, Alan) This weekend I took a very short trip up to San Francisco for the 1st ever Affirmation Young Adult Cornerstone Conference. The conference was sparsely attended, but the small group made it feel more like a small ward activity than a big "conference". Which was nice. I think since it was the first time they'd ever had this event, coupled with the simple fact that most young people can't afford to go to San Francisco for the weekend. That's why all the attendees were from the Bay Area except me, Christian and his friend Max.

Christian is pictured here to the left. He is transgendered, and was born biologically female, and has been on hormones since April. I really enjoyed meeting him and getting to hear his story. I'd never met a transgendered Moho before and it was incredible. Interestingly, I still would occasionally refer to Christian as she--it annoyed me, because I support him and his dicisions, but knowing what I knew about his current physical state (pre-op) I would still mentally default to saying "she". I hope I didn't offend, as Christian was a cool person, and as the Bishop's kid in Orange County, I know his path is undoubtedly more difficult than mine.

The conference was fun and I sort of wish I had more time to get the stories of the attendees. I picked up peices between the seminars and talks about political activism and safe sex. But unfortunately, I just didn't get the time. We went on a walking tour of the Castro, which basically consisted of talking about which bars where for what and who goes where and has the best drinks or dancing. It made me feel a little out of the loop. I have gone dancing, but I still don't think clubbing tops my list of things to do on any given night. I still don't drink and frankly haven't more than a fleeting interest in starting. So once again, I was the minority, the guy who was recently out, single and insecure.

It is frustrating, because I'm working my hardest to find out why I'm still so goddamn uncomfortable with myself. My therapist and I are try to get to the root of it. I've got it boiled down the this, at least in my head--I don't deserve happiness. And I'm firmly of the belief that I'll never have it. It can't possibly sound any more emo and self-defeating, but that's the truth. And this blog is about the truth. I look at a couple like Austin and Todd, and I get nauseated. I feel sick to my stomach, knowing that the happiness and joy they've found in each other is never going to be found in my heart.

Don't get my wrong, I'm extremely happy for them--I know they will succeed as a couple. My envy is all encompassing. They are a hot couple, both extremely good looking and thin, which I'll never be. They seem to have given each other their whole heart, which embodies itself in the playfulness of their relationship. As it has been for my whole life, I'm controlled by fear. Despite my best efforts, every date I go on, I feel nothing, every time I look in the mirror and see the fat fuck staring back at me, I know I'll never earn the love and attraction I want, every day that I'm alone, I get more and more ready to give up.

I am sorry this post rapidly became depressing before I even knew what was happening.

I'll have to blog more on this later. To move on, Alan picked me up in his car in the Castro--I joked with him that I never expected to get picked up by an older man in a black car in the Castro..." Hahaha. We went to Grace Cathederal, which no pictures I took do justice. There was a wedding, and I got to hear some music of the choir.

Outside, I encountered this dashing gentleman, and knew I had to have a photo:

He pleasantly obliged, and I sent this photo to my mother, who loves the Scots. She also commented that she thought he was handsome--he is!

After Grace, Alan and I drove down through Golden Gate Park, and then to the 280 south to Woodside (Steve Jobs has a home in this area) up Route 84 to "Alice's Restaurant" (Yes, Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant.) We had dinner with my adopted Mom, Patty Mayall. Alan, Patty and I had a delightful dinner, laughing and talking about a myriad of subjects, before going back to Patty's to have apple pie.

For those who want backstory--Patty and I met at Mortified San Francisco back in April. Have you ever met someone who totally clicks with you and you feel like you've known them your whole life? It's a rare occurrence, but Patty and I were fast friends. And in the short time we were together, we felt comfortable enough to share phone numbers and e-mails, and she extended the invite to stay with her any time I was in the bay area.

So I took her up on the offer. And as we sat at the table talking, it was chilly and I put my arm around her, hugged her. It was very fun, and made me realize how much I miss my real mom, who is still in Virginia. I hope this doesn't make her jealous. My real mom (ToniAnne) and I will often go out to restaurants and sit across the table from each other and hold hands. It's fun, and makes my mom feel so loved and special--and she is both.

So Patty, my surrogate mom, was so appreciative--she's never had children of her own, and I think she really feels as blessed to know me as I do to know her. It's magic. She and her husband Ted are both going to be invited to my wedding (if I ever have one)

The next day, we got to do one of the coolest things I've ever done--easily the highlight of the weekend. We got to drive around the San Mateo Mountains in a 1928 Model A Ford!

Ted gases up the Ford before we begin our sojourn. The engine is gravity fed, meaning that the gas tank must be above the engine--which is why it's BEHIND THE DASHBOARD--basically your riding with 10 gallons of gasoline in your lap.

Here's the hood ornament. Classy! This car can go up to about 50 MPH (on a flat level stretch) and maybe 35-40 up any decent grade. It's a 3 speed flat cut gear manual transmission. It can get between 15-22 mpg. I got to ride in the rumble seat for most of the journey (no seatbelts) and consequently a rocking good time.

And then I got to DRIVE IT!!! This was kind of incredible, and as you can see I was giddy and grinning like the Cheshire cat the entire time. The car has an incredible amount of play in the steering, and it really felt not completely unlike driving the Antique Cars rides at any theme park. You could turn the wheel about a quarter turn before getting any response from the tires. It made driving a very conscious activity. This was real motoring. Oh, and no power brakes either... you're stopping the car with the force of your own foot.

When we finally got to San Gregario, we posed for a picture (me with my new hat I'd just bought).

I took the liberty of correcting and photoshopping this picture to the left to give it a historical and authentic look. Sigh, I want to own a car like this--but only if I've got a cool place to drive it like the winding country roads of the San Mateo Mountains.

In short, it was a fantastic weekend, with lots of new experiences, new friends, and fun. I'm an incredibly lucky guy, even if I don't understand why.

The Best Independence Day Weekend Ever

Matt from "dripping with optimism" came down from Sacramento to spend his holiday weekend with me. I initially enticed him with the promise of a Death Cab for Cutie concert at the Hollywood Bowl.

When ever someone from out of town visits, I'm always delighted because they motivate me to get out and go places I've never been or are "touristy". We had a super packed weekend, and Matt did a stellar job of outlining a basic plan, but allowing everything to flow and feel natural.

Friday, we went to the LA Zoo and braved the heat and sun to see all the cool animals. I think my personal favorite might have been the Ocelot. As we waited in the 45 minute queue to get tickets into the zoo (crazy, right?) Matt and I got to talking and I found out that he was aware of the movie "The Wizard of Speed and Time" by Mike Jittlov. Which is amazing because NO ONE knows about this movie. You can only buy second hand VHS copies of it on ebay or Amazon... it's just not out there.

Which inspired us to head to Mike's house in Silverlake. We just drove by, but it was fun. We walked down Hollywood Blvd and checked out Michael Jackson's star. Then we went up to the Hollywood and Highland complex, and took this classic photo:

We are SO sexy... lol. I kept wanting to fix Matt's glasses--they are a bit warped, and so they don't sit quite level on his face. That night, we went to the LACMA and caught a bit of free Jazz. Then we checked out the Mullholland Overlook:

Below, the city stretched out like a glittery dream. Still light out, but at that magic hour when the earth and the sky are the same intensity.

The next day, we went to Huntington Beach. I'd gone last summer with my roommate, and the fireworks show they have was phenomenal. So when we got to the beach, we jumped right into the water--and it was COLD. It was surprisingly cold--even a stalwart Mainer such as I could only last about 20 minutes before my hands started to loose feeling!

We walked around to warm up... but as the sun went down, Matt was shivering uncontrollably. (I was chilly, but okay--but I've got insulation). He wasn't sure he'd be able to hold out for the fireworks.

We sought out a wind break in the nook of a building. I pulled Matt in front of me and had him lay against my chest. I wrapped my hands around him and held his hands (which were freezing) and put my cheek on his ear to keep it warm. It was very cozy.

And I just enveloped him and held him for about an hour and half. We watched the fireworks together like that and I've not felt so contented and peaceful in ages.

People walked by and stared, and I didn't care at all. I stared back--one woman smiled as said it looked cozy--boy was it ever.

As I sat there, I I told Matt that he was going to make some guy really lucky someday. He said "igual"

Ditto, essentially.

I'm kinda honored that he trusted me and felt comfortable enough to share that moment with me. I'm so lucky to have a friend like that. Thanks Matt, for making my Independence Day into a really treasured memory.

We drove home, happy and singing classic 90's hits in the car. It took two hours to fight traffic home--but it was a blast. When we got home, we made Root Beer Floats and watched Clue.

The next day, it was on the the Los Angeles Natural History Museum. I'd say this is my favorite photograph that I've taken in a long time, from the African wing:

After that, we hit up Chipotle for a late lunch/early dinner and then went to the Death Cab Concert--the reason for the trip, the finale to an amazing weekend:

The concert ended with a fireworks bonanza for "Transatlanticism" as a finale.

Believe me, you had to have been there. It was an INCREDIBLE finale to a great concert.

The next morning, as I drove Matt to the station, I admit I teared up a little--I'm a sucker for a goodbye. :( Anyway, thanks for the fun times, Matt. Hope to see you again soon.

Thoughts? Feedback? Questions?

My journal series is done for now. Maybe later this fall, I'll feel courageous enough to post my journals from when I started cuddling with Seth--its an incredible read, from just one year later. Would that be of interest?

Does anyone have any feedback or thoughts on my two year old way of thinking? I was a bit disappointed at the lack of feedback and commentary on my entries. It made me wonder if perhaps people were just in shock at how obsessive and scary I was about trying to change my sexuality. I don't know.

But you can see how much I wanted to be straight. You can see how hard I was trying to make myself straight. You can understand my frustrations and my pain.

I'm concerned that my progress is still so insignificant. I still don't see being gay as a blessing or a gift. I still see it as a flaw, a defect. I no longer feel guilty about it--any more than someone who was born with any genetic defect has no say or fault in the matter. I wish I could see my homosexuality the same way I see, say, my left-handedness.

I love being left handed--sure, the world is set up for right-handed people. My life might be a little easier if I was right handed--but I don't really think about it--it doesn't matter, because I'm proud to be left handed. It makes me special, and I feel happy when I consider that left handed people are often more creative as they are right brain dominant.

So why can't I embrace my sexuality in the same way? Why do you think, especially after reading these very personal journals, I still perceive it as a flaw? For those who DO feel proud and happy about being gay--how did you arrive there? What changed your point of view?

Some Great Advice From Craigslist

I found this on craigslist many months ago, and it's some of the most simple and good dating advice I've ever read. Who'd have thought? Mind you, easier said than done, but hey--you gotta try!

(this advice was originally given with reference to a girl, but I've gone through for convenience and changed it to a guy.)

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You need to cultivate and exude SELF-POSSESSION.

You must have the attitude that you know you're okay, desirable, etc, regardless of how anyone else responds to you. So, you do not NEED to get a positive response from anyone else. Not arrogant, just independent. This makes you cheerful and thankful.

You are free to show that you ENJOY other people and APPRECIATE them, because you are not afraid that they will reject you.

The natural attitude of a self-possessed winner is to be PLAYFUL.

This not only reflects your independent self-confidence, but also that you appreciate how fortunate you are, etc. Having a playful attitude is appealing to others, and it's an enjoyable way for you to go through your day - it's a victory in itself.

It might help you if you were to imagine how you might interact with a very desirable guy you just happened to meet out in public, if you were already deep into a great relationship with some other amazing guy, and there was no way you want to start dating this guy you just met.

Your mentality would be:

"This is probably the only time I will see this guy or talk to him, so the only thing to do is just enjoy these few minutes for the inherent reward of our little chat now. I don't want or need anything from this guy, because I'm already getting plenty of it from someone else. I can just enjoy this new guy's personality, his smile, etc, right now. No need to be impressive, no need to fear his disapproval of something I say, etc. I can just enjoy being myself, a happy guy who appreciates other people. Hmm, he's interesting, so I'll ask him about him - opinions, etc. If I just talk about me, I don't find out anything I didn't already know."

That's about it from me. Like I said, other responses were very helpful.

I hope mine is helpful to someone...

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I really like this advice--hopefully it helps you too.

November 20th, 2007

Dear Journal,

I just woke up from a dream about flying. It was rather vivid and though I’m a bit spotty on the details, I know this much:

I was on some journey in a very harsh but amazingly beautiful landscape. At first it was a desert but it later became a craggly, rocky coast with pine trees but it was other worldly in that the water was completely clear and still and there were these things in the water, bright, swirling patches mixing with one another. Reds, greens, browns, like algae blooms or something. Anyway, I was looking for something, with someone, but they weren’t physically there, like a narrator or still-small voice. The items I was trying to figure out were up in some rafters, and I some how got it into my head that I could fly up there if I wanted to, so I ran forward, leapt into the air, stuck out my arms and tried to fly. Well, I sort of flew, but had no control over my direction or altitude and I quickly slowed, glided and fell/descended. I kept trying and eventually I figured it out. I leapt into the air, riding updrafts, circling over the crystal clear water in a stunningly beautiful wilderness landscape. I dove down, gliding gliding just above the water, then climbed up again. But if I climbed too steeply for too long, I’d slow down and start to lose lift. It was thrilling and invigorating. Eventually I think I landed, but when I stopped I couldn’t get going again.

I’m not sure of the meaning of this dream, but I feel it represents my spiritual journey—if I could only figure out how to maintain the lift, how to get off the ground, I could SOAR. The narrator is the spirit, guiding me, but I must do the real work. It was a beautiful and marvelous dream. I hope I can fly like that someday.

November 18th, 2007

Dear Journal,

Today I received my Patriarchal Blessing. It seemed to be over far too soon, and I now must wait months to read it again. I felt the spirit so strongly. I pray that I will be able to hold on to the memories of exactly how I felt while receiving that blessing.

We chatted briefly before he started and I looked around [The Patriarch's] beautiful home, his wife, saw his children who have gone on missions and been married in the temple. I thought about how blessed this man was to receive such blessings. How God blesses them that follow him!

When he placed his hands on my head, they trembled as he waited for the inspiration and guidance from God to come down.

I began tearing up and holding back my sobbing throughout the entire blessing. I heard GOD talking through Patriarch Williams. The spirit FILLED me so greatly I felt the tears dripping off my cheeks and onto my shirt.

During the blessing, it was revealed that I am of the Lineage of Ephraim. I’m interested in learning now what that means for me.

One of the things he spoke of the almost made me burst into sobs was when I was told that one day I would go to the temple with a woman and be sealed to her—and eventually return to heaven as a family unit.

As I have been struggling, begging and pleading for relief from my homosexual feelings, I’ve always worried I would be alone forever, and that I’ll never overcome my tendencies. But I know that if I live the commandments and exalt God, I WILL have a family and a spouse—and we will return to heaven as a sealed family unit.

Another element that stuck out was that I was told that I had had many experiences that brought me joy, and many that brought sorrow and tears to my eyes—but that all these experiences were preparing me to be able to help others find the way to Christ and the gospel. It’s not good to speculate, but perhaps my struggle with homosexuality is preparing me to eventually help others who feel just as sad and desperate and alone as I have felt. But hopefully I will not have suffered in vain. I am grateful for the experience and the things that have made me who I am.

I was told that (paraphrased) “through my job I would have interactions with powerful controllers of the country” and that my example could/would help the church reach places that it cannot reach.

What job could that be I wonder. I can’t imagine and editor helping advance the church.

It was also revealed to me that one of my spiritual gifts is that of discernment. I am able to discern the needs of others and help them—I was admonished to use this talent to help others and not for selfish gain.

I was also admonished to go on a mission and be a missionary always. If I live worthily, I will be made a great spokesperson for the gospel.

As I reflect on this day, I am so concerned—the spirit faded so fast once the blessing was over, I didn’t want it to end. How can I receive that sort of spiritual high all the time? I crave it. I feel close to the Lord. First you must make the steps you’ve known all along. Read your scriptures, pray always and magnify your callings. Avoid sins like pornography and lustful thoughts and actions. Then you can receive the Melchezadic Priesthood and attend the temple.

That reminds me, I’m pretty sure that at one point in the blessing, I was told by God that I was in doubt of myself as a true son of God and that it was okay, as that’s part of my growth and the stage I’m at right now. However, I was counseled that I would receive the Melchezadic Priesthood and when I do, all doubt would be removed about my divine nature.

Since I am such a mortal, there have been times since I received the blessing that I’ve thought—“well, that sounds like a pretty generic outline for a standard Mormon life—maybe he says most of that stuff to everyone.” But then again, God knows the best path to happiness and immortality is the straight and narrow, so why should I be any different? Honestly, I don’t know what I expected in my blessing—I’d almost like to compare it with others to see how many people have very direct and specific mentions of eternal marriage. Mainly because that sticks out to me the most out of anything in the blessing. Probably because it speaks directly to my pleading for escape from these feelings of SSA. (Same-sex-attraction) I wish I could re-read the whole thing again, as it is so dense and packed with information for me from God!!!

I’m exhausted and spiritually I am uplifted. It’s been a fulfilling day and I’m sad it is coming to an end. However, the process I am in is an amazing one, and I am hoping to continue and become a good and faithful servant who is fortunate to come to earth at this time of opportunity.

October 21st, 2007

I’m starting to get more involved at church. It’s quite amazing, because it’s taken 4 years, but because of my fear and lack of confidence, I generally have felt unworthy or unwanted at church. It’s funny that as I’ve worked with Bishop O. I haven’t stopped being gay, but I have stopped feeling so angry and guilty about being gay, masturbating and hell, even pornography. I was expecting to be “cured” of this, but maybe the cure is learning your own self worth and realizing that guilt and fear are from Satan.—Love, confidence, trust—these are the tools of the Lord.

Well it’s time for bed. Keep faithful, love thy neighbor, and God will bless you and keep you. Good night!

August 23rd, 2007

Dear Journal,

What a blessing! I’ve got supportive straight male friends to bond with. It is true, I can’t measure my progress solely on my attraction to women. That will come in it’s own time. The highs and lows I’ve felt this summer have been awesome. (meaning awe inspiring and unbelievable, not necessarily good.) It seems like just a week ago I was heart broken and ready to leave God—but it’s foolish to try and leave someone who’s already with you! He’s been with me the whole time.

I’ve learned a lot from reading a book called “You Don’t Have To Be Gay” by Jeff Conrad. So much perspective, such good advice—from someone who has been there, and been in deeper and darker than I can imagine. And he is free!

What a sad thought, a helpless thought, to be unable to change. That is what Satan wants me to think, but God can help me fulfill the LEGITEMATE homo-emotional needs in my life. I was also uplifted by a fact pointed out in the book, which was that because I’ve not acted with others on these feelings, my healing process will be much easier and quicker than if I was deeply entrenched in a homosexual lifestyle.

I’m still praying for strength and additional guidance on who I should tell about these feelings. For a while, I considered telling Sarah, but I think since it’s been almost impossible to get her alone, God is telling me she is the wrong person to tell and I think she is, because she would probably tell me to give up, because I can’t have what I want!

So far, I’ve thought about Dan, John, and Marc. They all love and care about me, but would understand and probably support my work in fulfilling my homo-emotional needs.

I should probably check in with Bishop O.—I think he’d be proud of me not giving up, even considering the hardships I’ve been through.

I’m so grateful for my friends and the positive energy they help me sustain.

Part of what “You Don’t Have To Be Gay” was saying is that you need to fufill your legitimate homo-emotional needs, be accepted as “one of the guys” and received healthy, non-sexual affirmations of masculinity. Well, I felt that I was pretty comfortable around guys, but when I was invited by Aaron and his friend Patrick to go lift weights at the gym, I remembered a huge area of discomfort and inadequacy. Physical—I’ve felt inferior as a man because of my fat and my alienation from sports and male bonding type activities because when I tried and wasn’t as good as the other boys, I felt like a failure, miserable, inadequate. Just writing that starts many blocked or long-repressed memories emerge. No being able to earn the physical fitness merit badge in Scouts, coming in dead last at the Klondike Derby sled race, never being able to do pull-ups, never getting better than a 12 minute mile in gym, doing modified pushups, being too slow to run bases, too fat to keep up with the ball in soccer, but too slow to be a good goalie. The list goes on. But instead of persevering and getting better, I reacted by thinking I was a failure and inadequate as a boy/man.

This compounded by having no really strong masculine role-model in my life, I had no one to help me understand. When I “showed” my penis to Justin, I had no man in my life to tell me that curiosity was okay, but I should try to limit that behavior. I remember how ashamed and sad I was that I’d done something “gay”.

It’s been a slow process, ending up where I am now—I didn’t get born gay, but I’ve been fighting these emotions for so long that I felt like I’d been born with them.

But I went weight lifting with Aaron and it was a little awkward, but Aaron was my guide, my advocate, my friend and he didn’t leave me to flounder. He supported me and affirmed my masculinity—which is precisely what I need!

I’ve talked with Jon about lifting with me when I get back to school, and he’s all for it. Yippee!

It could be a turning point. In a year or two, I can be who I really want to be. I am so glad that I know of my agency and can learn to retrain my responses.

The think I’d really hope to accomplish is to heal some of my emotional wounds with my parents. I need to find someone who can help me work through those feelings. It’s funny that I’ve spent more time with my Dad this summer than I probably have in my life (or at least the last 14 years).

God, please help me to feel this hope I have in my heart right now in my heart EVERY DAY. Please guide me and show me the path you want me to walk. I’m so grateful for all the gifts, talents, friends, and experiences in my life that have made me who I am today.

Until we meet again!

August 19th, 2007

Dear Journal,

I’ve been unable to accomplish much today as I’ve continued to be lost in thought about me, sexuality, the Mormon Church, Seth, and my future in general. You can imagine that I’d still like to be straight. I’d like to have a family and a loving, intimate relationship. I imagine my infatuation with Seth will eventually wear off, but in the mean time I’m still stuck thinking about him. Part of me just wants to call him and pry him for answers. Is he remaining celibate as a homosexual? Or has he done anything with his desires? Has he read the literature about “going straight” and does he think it’s possible?

I’m still waiting on a response from my last e-mail. The e-mail where I asked him if he felt a strong connection. Maybe I freaked him out, or maybe he sensed I was gay. (Though I doubt it)

I wanted to call Sarah today and talk to her about it. But she was in public with her friend Aajonus so it didn’t seem appropriate. I want to change my sexuality, but I have no idea how. Perhaps I should give it one more semester or year before I abandon it all. After all, I do want to get my Patriachial Blessing. Maybe it can offer som insight.

Dad says that God never works through fear or shame. But the Mormon Church is all about fear and shame. No, let me rephrase that. The Mormon people are often about shame. I feel ashamed just being in a mind set which I didn’t choose to be in. A series of events put me here, and so far, I haven’t been progressing far in spite of seeking lots of help.

Seth seems to have a friend on myspace who’s refusing to act on his homosexual desires, just like me. He said that until Jesus changes him, he’s happy to remain single. He doesn’t like to think about it as being alone, because he is never alone. I realize that God loves me, and I never have to earn that love, for it is that love which is the definition of unconditional.

What are the things that happened in my life that caused my homosexual identity to become dominant?

1. Absent Father—when I was very young, Dad was always away on business trips. Maybe I developed the idea that he didn’t really enjoy spending time with us, and then when my parents divorced when I was six years old, I thought it was my fault because Dad didn’t want to have more than two kids.

This seems strange to me, though, because it wasn’t just my Dad. Because I loved being with him. We went fishing one time and he killed a fish and it grossed me out—maybe I felt like a sissy.

Did Dad ever re-affirm my masculinity?

2. I didn’t participate in any “manly” activities like sports teams or athletics. This is probably more Mom’s fault, but because athletic events often happened on Sundays. I think I got the impression I couldn’t do them. Plus, after the divorce, I was so confused and felt so worthless that I slowly got fatter and fatter and fatter, and here I am today at 280 pounds. I’ve never felt comfortable with other men, particularly playing sports.

3. I have an overbearing mother who taught me (perhaps inadvertently) that men are evil scum, and to please her I became the opposite of the guys I knew—smart, polite, good in school. This is undoubtedly a possible reason.

4. Having some “mildy gay” experiences at childhood which I probably should have attributed to curiousity, and at the time probably was, but instead I assumed that made me gay.

5. I’m clumsy and have low body image and self esteem.

6. Because I’ve never dated or done anything with a girl, I feel inadequate as a guy. The key component to recovery is to stop blaming others in order to avoid taking responsibility for your own actions.

7. When I was in Boy Scounts, I didn’t earn the merit badges, advancement, etc. and was made to feel inferior and consequently less masculine.

8. Because of my Mormon upbringing/homosexual tendencies, I don’t feel comfortable talking with guys about girls and sex, because I’ve never done it and am basically clueless. It’s cyclical because I am not going to fix that problem without violating some core beliefs.

I’m going to leave the rest of this page open for further revelations.