The Best Independence Day Weekend Ever

Matt from "dripping with optimism" came down from Sacramento to spend his holiday weekend with me. I initially enticed him with the promise of a Death Cab for Cutie concert at the Hollywood Bowl.

When ever someone from out of town visits, I'm always delighted because they motivate me to get out and go places I've never been or are "touristy". We had a super packed weekend, and Matt did a stellar job of outlining a basic plan, but allowing everything to flow and feel natural.

Friday, we went to the LA Zoo and braved the heat and sun to see all the cool animals. I think my personal favorite might have been the Ocelot. As we waited in the 45 minute queue to get tickets into the zoo (crazy, right?) Matt and I got to talking and I found out that he was aware of the movie "The Wizard of Speed and Time" by Mike Jittlov. Which is amazing because NO ONE knows about this movie. You can only buy second hand VHS copies of it on ebay or Amazon... it's just not out there.

Which inspired us to head to Mike's house in Silverlake. We just drove by, but it was fun. We walked down Hollywood Blvd and checked out Michael Jackson's star. Then we went up to the Hollywood and Highland complex, and took this classic photo:

We are SO sexy... lol. I kept wanting to fix Matt's glasses--they are a bit warped, and so they don't sit quite level on his face. That night, we went to the LACMA and caught a bit of free Jazz. Then we checked out the Mullholland Overlook:

Below, the city stretched out like a glittery dream. Still light out, but at that magic hour when the earth and the sky are the same intensity.

The next day, we went to Huntington Beach. I'd gone last summer with my roommate, and the fireworks show they have was phenomenal. So when we got to the beach, we jumped right into the water--and it was COLD. It was surprisingly cold--even a stalwart Mainer such as I could only last about 20 minutes before my hands started to loose feeling!

We walked around to warm up... but as the sun went down, Matt was shivering uncontrollably. (I was chilly, but okay--but I've got insulation). He wasn't sure he'd be able to hold out for the fireworks.

We sought out a wind break in the nook of a building. I pulled Matt in front of me and had him lay against my chest. I wrapped my hands around him and held his hands (which were freezing) and put my cheek on his ear to keep it warm. It was very cozy.

And I just enveloped him and held him for about an hour and half. We watched the fireworks together like that and I've not felt so contented and peaceful in ages.

People walked by and stared, and I didn't care at all. I stared back--one woman smiled as said it looked cozy--boy was it ever.

As I sat there, I I told Matt that he was going to make some guy really lucky someday. He said "igual"

Ditto, essentially.

I'm kinda honored that he trusted me and felt comfortable enough to share that moment with me. I'm so lucky to have a friend like that. Thanks Matt, for making my Independence Day into a really treasured memory.

We drove home, happy and singing classic 90's hits in the car. It took two hours to fight traffic home--but it was a blast. When we got home, we made Root Beer Floats and watched Clue.

The next day, it was on the the Los Angeles Natural History Museum. I'd say this is my favorite photograph that I've taken in a long time, from the African wing:

After that, we hit up Chipotle for a late lunch/early dinner and then went to the Death Cab Concert--the reason for the trip, the finale to an amazing weekend:

The concert ended with a fireworks bonanza for "Transatlanticism" as a finale.

Believe me, you had to have been there. It was an INCREDIBLE finale to a great concert.

The next morning, as I drove Matt to the station, I admit I teared up a little--I'm a sucker for a goodbye. :( Anyway, thanks for the fun times, Matt. Hope to see you again soon.

Thoughts? Feedback? Questions?

My journal series is done for now. Maybe later this fall, I'll feel courageous enough to post my journals from when I started cuddling with Seth--its an incredible read, from just one year later. Would that be of interest?

Does anyone have any feedback or thoughts on my two year old way of thinking? I was a bit disappointed at the lack of feedback and commentary on my entries. It made me wonder if perhaps people were just in shock at how obsessive and scary I was about trying to change my sexuality. I don't know.

But you can see how much I wanted to be straight. You can see how hard I was trying to make myself straight. You can understand my frustrations and my pain.

I'm concerned that my progress is still so insignificant. I still don't see being gay as a blessing or a gift. I still see it as a flaw, a defect. I no longer feel guilty about it--any more than someone who was born with any genetic defect has no say or fault in the matter. I wish I could see my homosexuality the same way I see, say, my left-handedness.

I love being left handed--sure, the world is set up for right-handed people. My life might be a little easier if I was right handed--but I don't really think about it--it doesn't matter, because I'm proud to be left handed. It makes me special, and I feel happy when I consider that left handed people are often more creative as they are right brain dominant.

So why can't I embrace my sexuality in the same way? Why do you think, especially after reading these very personal journals, I still perceive it as a flaw? For those who DO feel proud and happy about being gay--how did you arrive there? What changed your point of view?

August 19th, 2007

Dear Journal,

I’ve been unable to accomplish much today as I’ve continued to be lost in thought about me, sexuality, the Mormon Church, Seth, and my future in general. You can imagine that I’d still like to be straight. I’d like to have a family and a loving, intimate relationship. I imagine my infatuation with Seth will eventually wear off, but in the mean time I’m still stuck thinking about him. Part of me just wants to call him and pry him for answers. Is he remaining celibate as a homosexual? Or has he done anything with his desires? Has he read the literature about “going straight” and does he think it’s possible?

I’m still waiting on a response from my last e-mail. The e-mail where I asked him if he felt a strong connection. Maybe I freaked him out, or maybe he sensed I was gay. (Though I doubt it)

I wanted to call Sarah today and talk to her about it. But she was in public with her friend Aajonus so it didn’t seem appropriate. I want to change my sexuality, but I have no idea how. Perhaps I should give it one more semester or year before I abandon it all. After all, I do want to get my Patriachial Blessing. Maybe it can offer som insight.

Dad says that God never works through fear or shame. But the Mormon Church is all about fear and shame. No, let me rephrase that. The Mormon people are often about shame. I feel ashamed just being in a mind set which I didn’t choose to be in. A series of events put me here, and so far, I haven’t been progressing far in spite of seeking lots of help.

Seth seems to have a friend on myspace who’s refusing to act on his homosexual desires, just like me. He said that until Jesus changes him, he’s happy to remain single. He doesn’t like to think about it as being alone, because he is never alone. I realize that God loves me, and I never have to earn that love, for it is that love which is the definition of unconditional.

What are the things that happened in my life that caused my homosexual identity to become dominant?

1. Absent Father—when I was very young, Dad was always away on business trips. Maybe I developed the idea that he didn’t really enjoy spending time with us, and then when my parents divorced when I was six years old, I thought it was my fault because Dad didn’t want to have more than two kids.

This seems strange to me, though, because it wasn’t just my Dad. Because I loved being with him. We went fishing one time and he killed a fish and it grossed me out—maybe I felt like a sissy.

Did Dad ever re-affirm my masculinity?

2. I didn’t participate in any “manly” activities like sports teams or athletics. This is probably more Mom’s fault, but because athletic events often happened on Sundays. I think I got the impression I couldn’t do them. Plus, after the divorce, I was so confused and felt so worthless that I slowly got fatter and fatter and fatter, and here I am today at 280 pounds. I’ve never felt comfortable with other men, particularly playing sports.

3. I have an overbearing mother who taught me (perhaps inadvertently) that men are evil scum, and to please her I became the opposite of the guys I knew—smart, polite, good in school. This is undoubtedly a possible reason.

4. Having some “mildy gay” experiences at childhood which I probably should have attributed to curiousity, and at the time probably was, but instead I assumed that made me gay.

5. I’m clumsy and have low body image and self esteem.

6. Because I’ve never dated or done anything with a girl, I feel inadequate as a guy. The key component to recovery is to stop blaming others in order to avoid taking responsibility for your own actions.

7. When I was in Boy Scounts, I didn’t earn the merit badges, advancement, etc. and was made to feel inferior and consequently less masculine.

8. Because of my Mormon upbringing/homosexual tendencies, I don’t feel comfortable talking with guys about girls and sex, because I’ve never done it and am basically clueless. It’s cyclical because I am not going to fix that problem without violating some core beliefs.

I’m going to leave the rest of this page open for further revelations.

A New Series

Starting tomorrow, I'll be posting a journal entry from the summer and fall of 2007 every day until July 5th.

I'm not really sure why I want to do this. It's old news, it's angst and pain and not particularly pleasant for present day me to read--maybe because I still feel like I gave up.

Tell me if you think this is a bad idea... I've posted old journal entries before, but I couldn't really tell what people thought about them.

To get you started, feel free to read this entry, from June 17th, 2007, which I posted back in December. It'll all move forward from there.

A Tough Week

As many of you know, I had a tremendously hard week emotionally. Several factors contributed to this.

1. Going to Pride and feeling unattractive and uncomfortable with myself made me feel like I was back in the closet again. While at the event, an announcer said "Aren't you proud to be gay?" My heart screamed NO. No, not at all. I am terrified and ashamed that I was still unhappy with being gay. This could be a post unto itself, so I'm going to move on.

2. I've been averaging 60 work hours a week for the last 8 weeks. This is taking a heavy toll on the following:

3. Physical well-being--It's harder to eat well and find time to hit the gym when you're always at work.

4. Emotional well-being--I have to be diplomatic and focused for long long stretches, which requires you to repress emotions to maintain professionalism.

5. Social well-being--I think I've gotten about 2 visits from a friend (not counting a trip to the moho party) in this 8 week period. I also haven't been able to go on my second date with Damian because our schedules keep conflicting.

So basically, you can imagine that I am worn pretty thin. I've also noticed that these bouts of depression seem to come at about 4-5 week intervals, which leads me to believe it may be a bio-rhythm as well.

Well, I wrote some pretty scary things on this blog. I'm sorry for scaring you. I feel bad that I don't always know how to reach out and get the help. It's embarrassing to me that I'm so far along, so "out" and yet I'm still so ashamed of myself. Self acceptance for ANYTHING has never come easily to me, and certainly not for being gay. When everyone else seems to be so much more comfortable, or at least putting on such a better face than me, I feel inferior.

My friend Brett moved here from Peoria, IL and is interning at a late night show here in LA. He's only been out 2 months or so, and he's just so confident and cool about it. He's already gotten some dates in just the week or two he's been here. He's not any better looking for me. He's not in better shape than me. But he clearly has the confidence and presence to attract cute guys. It makes me feel so envious.

On top of all this angst-causing bullshit, my Los Angeles BISHOP called me out of the blue because he wanted to "meet". I told him that I was fine and didn't need to meet. It made me feel angry and I wanted to scream "I'm a fucking faggot! Leave me alone!" But I didn't.

I was feeling pretty shitty--but this time it was different than other times--I was too calm, and that made me nervous, because with the calmness it made me feel in control, when I knew I wasn't. I was so alone, and I needed help, but was too proud, and too ashamed to ask. "I don't deserve help," I reasoned.

And yet, despite my efforts to push these people away from me, they wouldn't leave me alone. They checked in on me, expressed their love, called, texted, e-mailed, and undoubtedly prayed for me.

Thank you (in no particular order) to

Clint M.

Michael W.

Cam W.

Alan W.

Drew S.

Grant H.

Troy D.

MohoHawaii

Bravone
Frank S.
Ned J.

Greg V.

Canyon E.

Scott N.

Sarah N.

Sarah T.

My Mom

If I've left anyone out, please know I valued you reaching out to--I was literally taken aback at how many people cared enough to say something to me, or listen to me rant, and so I might have forgotten someone in the flood of concern and love.

I wanted to keep this short, but this post's chance at brevity is long past, so I'll forge ahead.

Everyone said things that were helpful, but I wanted to share two quotes from Clint and Scott.

Scott: There will never be a time that you could suicide and *not* cause people pain and trouble. I love you, and losing you will hurt, even if it's 80 years from now and due to natural causes. Mostly I just wanted to let you know that I love you

Ezra: I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel undeserving of the friends I have. God knows I wouldn't be friends with me. I'd run like hell in the opposite direction from this train wreck

Scott: It isn't up to you to decide who's friends with you. I get to choose who I'm friends with, and I like you. You can choose whether or not to reciprocate that friendship, but you're getting it from me either way. And I'll always count myself lucky to know you.

Ezra: I'm 22 and I'm giving up. How fuckin' pathetic is that? You'd be crazy to want to know a loser like that.

Scott: I like you just because you're *you*. Because I like *Ezra*.

----

Clint: If you were [a selfish asshole], then people wouldn't care. Trust me. I've had friends who were/are jerks. I don't call them and I don't call other people to check up on them when I can't. You think trying to make other people hate you will make you feel justified in hating yourself, but it won't. We think you are someone worthwhile. You may not think that of yourself, but might have to trust us to not be complete morons. You don't have to start loving yourself before other people can love you."

My mother probably put it the most succinctly. She said "Be nice to Ezra, I like him".

It's funny how sometimes a slight change in semantics can cause a paradigm shift. I realized that if I saw a friend treating someone I cared about the way I treat myself, I'd not stand for it. It's hard for me to do things for myself--maybe it's that self-flagellation that I've been performing for so many years. But I love to serve others--and I am fiercely loyal to my friends. And my friends are telling me to stop being so hard on myself--so maybe I can do it for them. It would hurt me to see one of my friends treated this way, so I can imagine the distress it must cause them to see me so abusive and not be able to intervene because it's inside of me.

Sorry if that's a bit "out there", but it's true. I am trying to see this from a new perspective.

I've also committed myself to visiting a psychotherapist on Monday, and presumably if I feel a good vibe off of him (I already do) will begin seeing him regularly. He comes recommended from a gay co-worker, and Dr. Tony is "family" which is nice, too. Hopefully you folks can rest a little easier knowing I'm seeking help.

And a few cool things are happening this weekend--Saturday is the Affirmation Pool Party here in LA! It's a completely new, non-blogging group of gay mormons to meet! I'm super excited.

And I finally scored my second date with Damian. We're going to see Up in 3D. (Is it still chauvinistic to want to pay for everything if you're both men? I just feel like I want to pay since I've been doing so well... Thoughts?)

Anyway, thank you all again for being a special part of my life. I love you all very much.

*apologies to initially leaving Ned and Frank off my list.

Saying "No Thanks"

I don't like leading anyone on--but it's easy for me to do, because I'm such a friendly guy and my politeness and conversation is often interpreted incorrectly to mean I'd be interested in being more than just friends.

Well, there's a gay mormon guy who lives in CA, who messaged me because we have a mutual friend.  He doesn't blog, and I've never met him.   To make a long story short he expressed that he thought I was attractive and he wanted to "get to know me better".

This is where I get annoyed.  First off, we've never even met--and he IS getting to know me better, because we've chatted a couple times.  But either way, I am friends with him on Facebook, so I know what he looks like and I can tell you I don't find him in the least bit physically attractive.  Personality wise, it really isn't much better--our conversations have been skin deep at best, and rather than continuing to get to know me, he insinuates he'd like to date me.

So I tell him straight up that I'd be happy to get to know him better, but that I don't find him attractive.  He basically flips out and starts speaking monosyllabically and ending every sentence with "?????" For example "Wow????" and "Can't find the words dude !!!!!"

Now I know I've lamented the lack of a boyfriend on this blog before--but that does NOT mean I'll just settle and accept the first guy that comes along with interest.  I work 50-70 hours a week, I don't have time to date people who do NOTHING for me either intellectually or physically.  I hate that I get treated like a bad guy for being forthright.  But that's how I feel--he wrote me this friggin' e-mail that was practically incoherent

I did not know how to react to you after what you said but i don't hold any hard feelings towards you. you like me have the right to have passionate feeling toward someone.to be honest i wanted to go off on you part of me did but if you take everything that people say personal then you hurt yourself a little.but i know that their nothing wrong with me i know that someday someone will want to get close to me and have feeling towards me.so i don't hold any hard feelings when you have been hurt like i have since i came out you tend to take things a little harder then others.i believe in love trust and respect treating other right and being treated right i don't ask people to love me or to like me just treat me as you would want yourself treated.so i am still up for getting to know you that's no problem with true intentions on both sides we can do this.

I would appreciate it if someone could help me understand what this even means...  All I know is that it further proves that this person is not right for me just in how they chose to react to honesty.

And one more thing--I don't care if this makes me sound like a colossal prick, but I couldn't deal with someone routinely drops words from his sentences and letters from his words (Examples: 2nd sentence: missing "s" on feeling; 3rd sentence "ly" missing from personal; 4th sentence "their" should be "there is"; 5th sentence "s" missing from feeling again; 7th sentence "other" needs to read "others" or "other people"; and of course the missing space between each new sentence, the complete absence of commas, and the complete absence of capitalization)

Now that you all think I'm a huge douche for being so picky about spelling and punctuation, let me just say this to you--It's important to me that someone be able to communicate clearly--I don't even know what to make of this message.  I wrote him back, and got and even MORE confusing message, this time it was twice as long.

But my favorite is this "i don't ask people to love me or to like me just treat me as you would want yourself treated."  I did just that--I want people to be HONEST with me, not lead me on, fuck around with my brain or play games.  So I think he would be happy to know that I treated him exactly as I'd like to be treated.

Speaking as someone who is obese (this person seemed a lot heavier than me, btw), I know I'm judged by my looks all time time--but I refuse to use that phony line that seems to be very popular with people who don't take care of themselves (I have been one of them)--it's always a rewording of that "it's not what's on the outside that counts" cliche.  This is how it was worded to me in the second e-mail:

i have been hurt by some many guys out there but when the hits come when someone thinks i am not the right size or look it may singe for abit but i walk it off because i am better then those who only see what they want to see i am not saying that looks make a big deal to you but i don't let that define me i let my heart define me looks are cool i agree but its what a man or any person holds on the inside that matter to me

Ugh.  Why does that idea seem to be only held by ugly or fat people, hmm?  OF COURSE what's on the inside counts.  It's BOTH.  You need both!!!  I know I used to think that way before I realized if I just took better care of myself, (IE, eat right and exercise) people WOULD find me attractive.  It's because it's easier to believe this "feel good" line about looks not mattering and to keep telling yourself that everyone is just too shallow to appreciate the you that's on the "inside" instead of doing the hard work and getting to the gym and eating right and getting in shape--I've been working at it for less than a year, and I've lost 30 pounds--it's not easy, but I know it has to be done--for myself, if not for anyone else.

I don't even know if I should post this--it's got quite a bit more venom and vituperation than I expected when I started out.

I guess I'll extend the question to you, kind readers--should I have gone on a date with this person?  (though I've now gone from ambivalence to completely turned off)  What would you have done?  Am I a mega-sized asshole for even writing this down?

Gutted

A fire burned down my old ward building back in Cambridge, MA today.
This building was my ward for 3.5 years as I attended Emerson College. Bishop O. of the University Ward saved my life by telling exactly what I needed to hear when I came to him ready to take my own life because of the crushing weight of my self hatred and shame. And now, this is all thats left. A memory, hazy with smoke.

Gutted.

Just like my faith.

Ezra is MORTIFIED

In case you weren't in the Bay Area on April 17th, here's an audio recording of my performance. I recorded it with my digital still camera, which was sitting behind a booth. If you find it hard to hear--tough cookies, If I could have gotten a board feed I would've!



For those who might not want/care to listen, you can download a PDF of the piece, here. But trust me, it's more fun to hear me read it and hear the audience reactions.

Helpful Tips for Dating Returned Missionaries (Repost)

Troy Williams Posted this amazing article that makes some great points about the frustration behind being gay and mormon. I have reposted the first few paragraphs with permission, but I highly recommend reading the whole article.

"Last week my roommate came bursting through the front door, “What is it with gay men hung up on Mormonism!?” Ah. I could only assume the obvious. He was experiencing the frustration of dating a guy still trying to reconcile his faith and sexuality. “I think its fear,” he continued. “That and privilege” I responded. “Mormon men have been told since childhood that they are the elect of the earth. Coming out as a big nelly fag stripped them of their divine birthright. The trauma is just now sinking in.” Yup. As Mormon men we were once the first of the first class citizens – but now, suddenly, through a quirk of desire, we have been stripped of our chosen status. Saturday’s Warriors have become Friday Night Infidels.

Gay LDS men have a seemingly more difficult time getting over the Church than gay Mormon women. Within their theology and culture, women have always played a subservient role in both Church and household. The stigma associated with being a lesbian isn’t so different from being ranked below a man in all other sectors of society.

This point came home after I read an interview with the African-American author James Baldwin. Richard Goldstein from the Village Voice asked Baldwin why white men seemed more outraged over homophobia than black men. Baldwin responded, “[As a white gay] you’re placed outside a certain safety to which you think you were born. A black gay person is already menaced and marked because he or she is black… I think white gay people feel cheated because they were born into a society where they were supposed to feel safe… Their reaction seems to me in direct proportion to the sense of being cheated of the advantages that accrue to white people in society.” (Homocons; Goldstein, p. 32)"

See the whole article here.

I know it's not the in-depth follow up/update post that you've been eagerly waiting for, but I feel like our moho community would enjoy Mr. Williams blog.

Being Here For Once

I have been meaning to make several blog posts as of late and I find that the only time I have lately have been sitting at the laundromat.

This also gives me an excuse to practice and hopefully improve my iPhone typing speed and accuracy. So far, so good.

Anyways, I'll start this post talking about my recent trip to Yosemite National Park. It was amazing. I didn't think that I'd want to stay the full six nights as I was alone, however I found that once I was out in nature, I was fine. No, I was better than fine, I was amazing.

I feel peace when I am alone in nature. My mind grows quiet, the gears slow down, and I am suddenly present. 100% present in the here and now. For once in my life, I'm not thinking about what I'm going to make for dinner or worrying about the next day at work. For once in my life, I don't reminisce about the past or dwell on mistakes.

For once in my life I feel free.

That's the power of nature-- that's what God is supposed to feel like. We shouldn't spend our days pining for some imaginary heavenly glory that may or may not be what we think it is or even exist! We must work to build Zion HERE RIGHT NOW. Because that's where we live.

And I Am Afraid!

So I'm sure you're all well aware of the National Organization for Marriage's ridiculous video regarding their new "Rainbow Coalition" to prevent marriage equality.

It makes me sad to think that millions of dollars are being spent to keep gay families from forming--and yet, they form regardless.  Just as you can't stop a rainstorm, you can't stop marriage equality.  It's coming--and everyone will someday be sheltered by the same legal umbrella. (Okay, sorry for taking the analogy so far!)

Anyway, the style of this video reminded my of my friend Seth, the first gay christian I ever met.  He was the one who helped me realize that I didn't have to be a Godless heathen to embrace my whole self.  Back before any of this nonsense with Prop 8 was even a blip on the radar, Seth made the video below:

New Apologetics

It's an incredible work, and I find it funny that the style is very similar. Though, I have to say, it's sad to think that one college student with some friends can make a more professional looking spot than a 1.5 million dollar ad campaign.

BTW, Seth is the guy with the deep voice and long hair at the end, apologizing.

I'm A Stalker

So I'm turning into my roommate. (Well, at least how he used to be before he finally got a girlfriend.)

I say this because I'm an internet stalker.  I'm on OKcupid, and I got a "quiver" match (basically people the computer suggests you message) with a guy who lives in North Hollywood and works as an editor.  He's pretty cute, too.

So I messaged him, telling him that I, too, am an editor living in Noho, and that I was looking to make new friends, date, network, etc and asked if he wanted to hang out.  Nothing too overt, but just a nice message inviting him to grab a drink.

He received my message and looked at my profile this morning--no response.  Granted, he may have been on his way out the door and not had time to respond, but generally if the person you write to views your profile and doesn't respond, you'll never hear from them.

So rather than letting it go and moving on with my life, I get depressed, once again asking myself "why am I so easy to dismiss, and so easy to ignore?"  I mean, am I the ONLY person who actually wants to make gay friends as he seeks out a boyfriend?  I'm not (just) trying to get into your pants!  I'm cool with networking and making another gay friend in my section of the industry!

So I start using information from his cupid profile to find him on Facebook.  Sure enough, there he is--and because of his privacy settings allowing people in his network (Los Angeles, CA) to see all his information, I found out what company he works for (one my company deals with from time to time) and so it just irks me all the more to think I'm dismissible because I'm unattractive.  He doesn't want to "waste his time" to even get to know me.

To make matters a bit worse, I had a great chat last night with a wonderful guy who I'd really love to take on a date, but lives to far away and probably has no interest.

SIGH.

There's a lot on my mind, but I feel like in needs to be stretched out over several posts, to avoid mixing topics and creating confusion.

The point is that I am disturbing myself because I'm so lonely that I stalk people I don't know. :(

19 Months Ago... June 28th, 2007

I haven't blogged in a while, and maybe because I don't have that much to say.  So instead I'll be opening up a journal entry from 19 months ago.  It is almost uncomfortable.

6/28/07
Dear Journal,

I’m not sure yet. This could be the day that you start making real progress towards heterosexuality—or it could be a day where you’ll look back and regret it. Today I told my Dad that I am struggling with same-sex attraction.  Homosexuality.

I honestly can’t believe that I told him. I bought this book on Amazon.com called “Coming Out Straight” by Richard Cohen, and I think it has helped me realize that I may have a chance to change. According to the book, there are many factors that can lead someone into SSA. I have a lot of them, and it really hit home.

When I told Dad, I cried and muttered along, trying to talk through the tears, and we held hands, he just let me get it all out before even speaking, and then he thanked me for trusting him enough to talk to him.

Then we stood and hugged, and I cried on his shoulder as he held me. I sobbed into his chest for a long time, but it wasn’t enough. Richard Cohen was right—touch/attachment therapy between father and son is important. I never wanted to let go. I’ve probably not cried in the presence of my father for 10 years. I’ve probably not been held like that since I was a child and it felt good, like I finally had a Dad. I’m not cured, and I’m not healed, but if anyone can help me, it’s probably him, since he’s the cause (direct or indirect) of most of these potential factors. He’s also good at emotional healing work. So maybe, with God’s help, the Bishop, Evergreen, myself, maybe D. H. (if I get the courage to ask him to help) I might be able to melt the pain in my heart that has caused these attractions. I’m scared of what is ahead, but I am grateful to be moving away from the darkness and into the light. There is SO much work to be done—I have such low self-esteem and confidence around men, poor body image, fear of women, inadequacy issues and who knows what else is hiding in my subconscious.

It’s funny. I have been asking God for a friend for the last few weeks, projecting developing a healthy friendship with someone, and maybe I’m supposed to heal and become friends with myself and my Dad. Could be?

There are so many thoughts whirling around in my head. Dad says he will do whatever he can to support me, maybe he can. We may do hormonal therapy, flower essences, emotional healing, and who knows what else. I want to become a real man with confidence, self-worth, and respect, and a deep belief that I am a child of God and he loves me as I am—I don’t have to please anyone else.

Dad says he loves me and wants me to know that I shouldn’t feel guilty for the way I feel. And that he feels change is possible, though even if I stay a homosexual, I’d still have his love and support and it wouldn’t change a thing between us.

I really wish I knew what he’s been thinking about all day. Is he even thinking about it?  I want to cry in his arms again.

I feel alone again.

Mom does not know and probably will not know about it until I am done with it (or close to it.)
I love my Mom, but I know (or at least I think I know) that her maturity level is not sufficient to be able to handle that kind of news appropriately. She’d get upset and cry and try to “pray the gay away”. But I already know that doesn’t work.

Sarah would be of the belief that I cannot change it and should accept it, and I’m not sure what Katie and David would think of it. Most of my friends feel the same way about SSA (that you can’t change it). I refuse to accept this because I know God places no burden upon us that we cannot carry—and I can’t carry these thoughts and feelings anymore.

Nothing has even been done yet, but already I have fears and doubts about this. Will the pain and suffering I dredge up be effective and heal me? Or will I be a more well-adjusted homosexual?

All of these fears and frustrations (sexual and mental) are being stacked on top of the lonely-ness of being here in the desert without any friends. Stacked on top of the boring, unfulfilling work I do, the hours of editing crappy footage for J. S.  Stacked on top of my inability to settle or be happy with a film idea and move forward in pre-production. Stacked on top of my concerns about money.

Welcome to adulthood, Ezra.

I need love and I need to get in touch with a very angry little boy who needs healing. I’m looking for a positive, happy relationship. Dad, I need your help. Help me. Help me. Feel me, touch me, heal me.

Sorry if that’s nonsense, I just felt like trying that.
So God, here’s a list (which isn’t all inclusive nor necessarily complete) of experiences I’d like to have and relationships I want.

-I want to have a family. As much as it is scary, because of my current feelings of inadequacy, I still want to experience the joys (and pains) of fatherhood. Please let me be a good father to a few of your spirit children, heavenly father. I would do my best to rear them in love and respect, with a firm foundation that I will never judge them and they can always talk to me.

An important part of this is to have a wife who loves me for who I really am. A woman who is physically attractive would be a wonderful experience, and if she could be supportive of me and the family, creative and spontaneous, a good homemaker, I will have to think more about this as I’ve never given this much thought.  If she is not Mormon I need to come to terms with marrying outside the church, but preferably she should be Mormon.  If the love is strong and the woman can accept me even having not gone on a mission, she should be smart and sound minded, but also be in touch with the guidance of the spirit so we can impart good wisdom and love to our kids.

God, I know thou can do anything, and that thou doest it on your timetable and as I further identify what I truly would like to experience in this life you will provide me with strength and understanding (of others and myself.) I realize I have a lot of forgiving of myself to do, and healing with my family, and I ask for special help with this as I have a tendency to worry and feel afraid and hold onto pain and punish myself for slipping up when I should just repent, forgive myself and move on. Thank you. I ask these blessings in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

This entry almost makes the me of 2009 uncomfortable.

We Are All Enlisted

This morning was glorious--bright, clean and sunny, a spring chill in the air.  Air moist and sweet with the moisture from the rain of the previous days.  I felt good, and I started singing Hymn #250, "We Are All Enlisted".

We are all enlisted till the conflict is o’er;
Happy are we! Happy are we!
Soldiers in the army, there’s a bright crown in store;
We shall grin and bear it by and by.

If you didn't skim those familiar refrains, you'll realize that I'd unconsciously substituted "win and wear it" with "grin and bear it".

I started laughing out loud, and I looked heavenward and smiled.  How long had I been singing this wrong?  I had been an unwilling soldier, conflicted about my sexuality within the ranks of the LDS Church.  I had grinned and borne it my whole life--these "new" lyrics make perfect sense--and that bright crown of glory would be mine if I just fought the good fight for the rest of my life, smiling away like a chucklehead (thanks, Greg).

No more.  From now on, life is not going to be a burden to bear.  It's God's most glorious gift to his children.  We are that we might have JOY.  And with that, I will leave you with this photo, which should make your day bright.  It makes me smile--It's me, probably around 6-7 years old, in a dress.

Have a great day, everyone!

Emo-licious No More

Hey guys.

I was going to apologize for being so emo-licious in the previous post, but I realized that there is no need to. I need not be ashamed for getting depressed. It was what it was, and there is nothing to be sorry about.

I'm grateful that I have this network of people, my close friends and family who send me their love and their prayers every day. I realize that as down as I get sometimes, I always come around. Because I can't stay down when I realize how fortunate I am.

Thanks for everything. Get angry, yell and scream, feel suicidal--it's okay--you need to let the feelings out, or they grow, like a festering wound. Just don't wallow in them forever. Count your many blessings, name them one by one.

So here goes-- 25 things I'm blessed with.

1. My health.
Yes, I got sick this weekend, but I'm pretty much healthy as a horse most days. Especially now that I'm hitting the gym, I feel better than ever most days.

2. The best siblings in the world.
I just do. You may think yours are great, but mine are WAAAY better. :)

3. Having lived in many different parts of the country.
It's helped me be an open minded and loving individual. If I'd stayed in the Mormon Utah Bubble my whole life, I can't even pretend to imagine where I'd be. Probably dead.

4. An amazing body.
When I get past my own body image issues, I realize that I have a great body, a wonderful body, with strong, powerful legs, slender waist and big, broad shoulders. I have a clear complexion and a cute face. I'm very flexible. My body is able to store energy in the form of fat for lean times... it's able to use that energy for other purposes later. In the words "my body machine is super keen." (That's a very obscure reference, btw).

5. The ability to change the things I don't like about my body.
Thank God I'm not disabled, or ugly, or mangled or burned--I'm just overweight. And with patience and determination, I'll shed those pounds. I don't need them any more. I'm done with my shield. I'm ready to go into the world un-armored.

6. My job.
In this economy, I am immensely glad that I'm employed in a well paying job with a small company that is training me and teaching me and essentially allowing me to build a network, should I ever need to find new employment!

7. My maturity and courage.
When I encounter a problem, I might get depressed, but I always win--I attack the problem, finding a solution, even when it's scary.

8. The internet, and its power to help me to never feel alone.
You are all like my extended family. I'm so blessed that we have this tool, this marvelous wonderful tool called the internet that allows us to find each other and lift each other up. If I had known just ONE gay Mormon, setting the example some of you are setting, I probably would have had a much healthier childhood.

9. Hot water.
It seems silly, but every time I am in the shower, I realize that I have the most decadent luxury in the world in my apartment. It makes me immensely happy.

10. Ice.
Another decadent luxury that I can't possibly imagine life without. It's actually one reason I don't look forward to traveling in Europe.

11. Not being stuck anymore.
Even though moving forward is often scary and painful, I'm glad I'm not dammed up--stagnant--anymore. I used to see stories on TV about women in abusive relationships, and I could never understand why they wouldn't just leave--escape from that toxic environment. But now I can relate to what it must be like--I've had a 22 year long abusive relationship with the church, and every day I imagine going back. But there is only forward motion.

12. My bike and my ability to ride and steer with NO HANDS.
I can't tell you how fun it is to ride down the Chandler Bike path in Burbank, steering gracefully around the pedestrians on the sidewalk, using both hands to conduct the music on my iPod as a sail through the brisk evening air. In spite of still feeling kind of sick today, I took this little trip today:

And while I was on this delightful ride, (partially in the rain, which I know is great when you're trying to get healthy) I was able to meet up with some friends for a few moments, get a Grande Carmel Apple Spice drink from Starbucks, and snap the photo at the top of this entry, which I kinda like for some reason. I think it's the power lines, I've always been a fan of power lines.

I wasn't able to get the rainbow on camera, because by the time I went inside to get it, it'd gone.

13. My iPod.
Music helps me get through the day, and having a constant companion that doesn't mind when I sign along to the tunes is invaluable.

14. My workout is yielding results.
As I've stated previously, I've lost about 20 pounds since last summer. If I was more committed, I could lose more, but low and slow seems to be the best way lose weight in such a way as to keep it off. I feel healthier, and more energized now that I attend the gym 3-4 times a week.

15. No one has disowned me.
At the end of the day, my coming out experience was practically painless--at least the pain that was felt was generated solely from within, and not from anyone's outward ignorance.

16. I have sufficient for my needs.
My income surpasses my expenses, and that's without penny pinching. I'm very very blessed.

17. Knowledge that I'm a good person.
I just know it. Sometimes I get down on myself, but I realize I'm doing my best, and I have a real desire to serve, and it part of the reason I know I'm a chosen son of God.

18. Knowledge that God loves me.
Isn't that the greatest thing? I wish I could get a hug from him, but I guess I'll have to deal with his proxies--my friends and family--to feel his love in a physical way. But I do know this is true, even when it feels desperately lonely.

19. My whole life is ahead of me.
I've figured out A LOT for a 22 year old. I am often told that I seem to have it really together for someone my age. In fact, a couple of the guys I've dated have said that they normally go for older guys, but I seem to have my act together... I definitely feel old sometimes.

20. All the times I've screwed up.
Because they make me humble, and help me to learn and grow. One of my favorite quotes is from John N. Mitchell. "The finest steel has to go through the hottest fire". So it shall be with us.

21. Singing!
See #13. I love singing, and it makes me feel good.

22. Living in Southern California.
As much as I miss New England, I am very grateful to be here. The sun generally makes me happy, and California has allowed me to progress in a way I was never capable of back east--Prop 8 catalyzed me into action regarding my sexuality and my future, and in turn motivated me to start getting in shape. It's all wonderful.

23. Each day I get to start over.
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.

24. Forgiveness.
I think that God sometimes gives us permission to make mistakes and sin. Not because he condones it, but because he is omnipotent, and understands that sometimes, no matter how many times you tell a child that they shouldn't touch the stove, they need to get burned to really understand. For some, they are content to be told and live in faith. But I think I'm that idiot that has to feel the pain himself before he gets the picture. Thankfully, those wounds heal, and all can be forgiven.

25. Me.
This is hard for me to say, because I'm not sure this is something I'm really ready to state, but I'm so exceedingly grateful to be me. To have had my experiences, to have my mind and soul, with all it's hardships and trials, I've had a truly beautiful, rich existence. I'm incredibly lucky to have seen all that I've seen, felt all that I've felt, and accomplished all that I've accomplished. God has put me in a special place in this world, and I still believe that I'm here for a very special purpose.

So hopefully this post will be a cheerier read for all of you. Life is worth living, if only because I need to meet all of you in person one day!

Thanks,

Your friend, Ezra.

Your Lying Eyes

You can't hide your lying eyes! (And your smile is a thin disguise!)

Seriously, though. While at work today in LA, it rained, HARD. After the weather broke, I looked out the window and saw a beautiful white sky--like I'd never seen before.

The problem is, my eyes lie. I see the sky as pure white because it was so bright compared to my dark, warm 2800K office (2800K refers to color tempurature, for those wondering), my eyes saw that beautiful brightness as white. It was heavenly.

But when I got our office's Nikon D50 out to take a shot or two, this is what came off the camera:

Beautiful, yes, but not what I'd seen.   I utilized photoshop and attempted to correct the .NEF (raw data) from the image to try and replicate for you, the home viewer, what I'd seen.

This is still too platinum--it was softer, more inviting, a white as if the heavenly host was about to appear.

*sigh* Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Dr. Hypocrisy OR How I Learned To Quit Feeling Bad About Ignoring Someone

It's a long title for a relatively simple post.

Basically, it used to bother me when people would ignore my messages on OKcupid.  It would bring me down, making me think "God, am I really that ugly/fat/uninteresting that I can't even talk to you and be your friend"?

But today, someone actually messaged me first, and I have zero physical attraction to this person.  They aren't ugly, they seem like they might be nice, but all the same, I'm just not interested in giving up any of my valuable time to someone I don't even have an inkling of desire for in the first place.  And while in theory I want new friends, the reality is I barely get to see the friends I already have... and who wants a friend who secretly wants to be your lover anyway?  It's just awkward.

Granted, this makes me realize that is the same thought process went through the minds of the hundreds (maybe not hundreds, but dozens) of guys who I've messaged that ignore me, and that kind of hurts, but why?

I don't want someone's pity or charity.  I want them to truly be interested in me for who I am.

From now on, I choose to be glad when I'm ignored.  Because if someone politely but vaguely responds, my lonely self automatically goes into hyper-boyfriend-seek-and-destroy mode and I start imagining things that just aren't there, and it always ends up in disappointment.

So I am glad this person messaged me, and I wish I could tell them why without sounding like a dick.  But it's true--he has helped me to be more accepting of rejection.

Weird how things go like that, huh?

The Difference Between Courage And Cowardice

While in therapy yesterday, I was explaining that since coming out, I've become more active and vocal regarding GLBT issues, because I feel it's my duty.  It would be selfish and irresponsible for me to let others do all the work for my equality, freedom and dignity.

But I never wanted to be a fighter.  I never wanted to have to stand up and defend myself.  I never wanted to make a statement.  I just wanted to live my life according to the dictates of my own conscience and be done with it.

"But", I said, "I force myself to do the things that I'm afraid of.  Because it's only by facing them that I can overcome the fear, and move towards being truly comfortable and at peace.  I guess that's the difference--".  At this point, a little switch clicked in my head.  I started crying. I paused as I let the words that were on the tip of my tongue roll around in my mind. "--the difference between a coward and and a courageous man, is action."

My therapist smiled--she saw the door opening, just a crack--and light of truth flooding around the frame.  I smiled, too.

"I know that both the coward and the courageous man are scared shitless--but the courageous man does what is right and true anyway."

I laughed and looked to my therapist. "So why don't I believe it?"

Emotionally Heightened

This morning as I was driving into work, I was listening to NPR.  They were doing a whole series of stories about Barack Obama and the activities and stories leading up to the inauguration tomorrow.

They started off with a story talking about how Barack Obama was taking today to visit people thank them for their service, and asked all Americans to take MLK Day as an opportunity to re-dedicate themselves to service.  This touched me, because just the other day I had decided to look into reading to children as a way to give back to the community.

Then they went on to report that Tuskegee Airmen (African-American fighter pilots from WWII) across America had been invited to have front row seats at the inauguration.  These men had been placed into a program that was designed to fail--they wanted to "prove" that African-Americans were incapable of piloting planes.  But they fought hard, and won the respect of many.

The man they interviewed had flown over 140 missions in WWII, and when he returned home to Los Angeles, he faced discrimination in his efforts to procure a home.  But he persisted, eventually becoming the cities first African-American realtors.  He's old and frail now, but listening to this man speak, I became overwhelmed with love and gratitude and joy for him.

I was driving southbound on the 101, heading into work, tears pouring down my cheeks.

He had to fight his entire life to get things that most people took for granted--but he stood his ground, loved his country and served others.  And thanks to sacrifices of thousands of men and women of all creeds and colors, we're going to be swearing in an African-American President.

I'm beaming with pride because I feel really optimistic about Obama.  Sure, he's just a man, and undoubtedly will make mistakes.  But he seems genuinely interested in listening to both sides of each issue and making the choice that he feels is best for the nation.  And most important of all, he's bringing America hope--hope that "Yes, We Can" build a better tomorrow.  And in the end, as Harvey Milk said, "you gotta give 'em hope".

Of course, I was immediately drawing parallels to the struggles the GLBT community.  When I consider how dramatically the world has changed in the last 60 years, I realize that I need to relax--we are on the right side of history, and I pray that before I'm an old man our nation will have learned to treat all it's citizens with dignity and respect.  That we will not be judged by the gender of our spouses, but by the content of our love.   That our nation will live up to the promises of it's most holy writ--the bill of rights. 

Yesterday, I passed the Hollywood Lutheran Church.  They had a huge banner outside their beautiful sanctuary that proclaimed their "No on 8" stance, and that they would continue to fight for marriage equality.   I pray that the first and most sacred amendment to our constitution, which proclaims that "congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof" will finally be respected.  Here is a church that welcomes, supports, and marries gay and lesbian couples--yet the force of law prevents them from having their unions treated equally under the law.

Anyway, I have been moved to tears multiple times today, and it's time I get back to work.

I'm very excited for tomorrow, and for the future in general.

And Here's The Response

So this is the response:

Hi Sweetheart, this will be short because the computer keeps crashing every few minutes...
I'm glad you told me and that you are at peace with yourself. Does that mean Joe is more than a roomie? Just wondered. Anyway... Gotta end before it crashes again... will get back to you. Just didn't want you to wonder if I'd gotten this.
Love Mom

No mention that nothing has changed. No mention of support or rejection. And considering my mom is online ALL THE TIME, this seems a pretty weird/lame excuse. She could call me, I even suggested it in a PS on my original e-mail (which I left off of the previous post).

She hasn't called. The two people in my family who've had the least to say about my coming out have been the two that are still most deeply entrenched in the church. I know that this is because they are following the adage "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". I realize she will need time to process, but I know that the reason she can't be immediately responsive is because she can't lie to herself or to me and tell me she's okay or that she supports me and that "nothing has changed"... because stuff has changed. I just threw a major kink into her vision for her children's future. And as an active memeber, she probably believes that my sexuality is a choice, or something she did wrong that caused it.

Frankly, (and it's going to sound cold to say this) I'm not going to let my mother worry me. I've extended my arms open to keep her a part of my life as I move into this new direction, and at this point the ball is in her court. She can either shoot the hoop or walk away. Who knows that that means, but the point remains. It's in her hands now.

I am sad she didn't call me, and I'm worried for what she might say in a longer e-mail.

Yikes.

Anyway, I'm lonely again on a Saturday night. *sigh*