It’s Father’s Day 2007. My brother and I got him a salt shaker and a pepper mill combo, since he needed a nice set that he could put on the dining room table. My brother got a double wide butter dish, since Dad broke his old one.
My brother didn’t feel up to going to church this week, so now I’m sitting alone on Father’s day with a a lot on my mind. I really wonder where my father is, and where I am, especially considering our own unique problems and issues. I do feel this church has truths, for example, I know pornography is destructive and a sin. It’s exploitative, vulgar, and makes light of something sacred. However, masterbation seems so innocent. It’s a way provided by our loving God to keep us from committing some more grave sin from sexual frustration and weakness.
But it also could just be rationalization of sinful behavior.
I have been struggling with same-gender attraction since, oh, I don’t know, 5th grade or so, maybe 1997 or 1996. 10 years. More than 10 years I’ve been hiding and suppressing what I really feel inside and it’s destroying me. Crushing me under guilt and sadness and suicidal thoughts. Since I started working with Bishop O. this spring, the suicidal thoughts have stopped (mostly). I masturbate a 1/10th of the times I used to, and for a time I even stopped viewing pornography. However, even when I was doing all those things, there was still so much I wasn’t doing—scriptures, prayer, etc. And through it all, the best I got was not thinking homosexual thoughts. But I never felt or feel attracted to a girl, and I still fantasized about guys. Basically I think almost all my energy and physical ailments stem from this lack of love, lack of expression and companionship. I am an actor, and I have played the role of a lifetime. Playing a happy, well-adjusted hetero-male, when I’m not. I want to come out, abandon this church and get all new-agey like Dad. But I’m so scared that I will be wrong, that I’ll disappoint people. Disappoint God. Besides, I’m fat and I don’t want to be gay. I do want a family and someone to be with so I won’t have to live my life alone.
Here in St. George, every time I see one of those cute tanned blond Mormon boys I cry because I worry that maybe I’d have been one of them if I’d had a different family of stayed in Utah. I meet people at checkout registers and wish I could ask them to be my friend without being super creepy and scary.
I had a brilliant idea the other day about being in a play—that way I could socialize, act and have some fun without being creepy.
Anyway, I’m also kinda sick. So that sucks, and hopefully will clear up.
Love yourself, since no one else will.