Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It's EXACTLY the same...

I posted a link to this video this morning on my facebook page.

And I asked why they didn't run ads like this during the November election.

My roommate posted a response saying that
"they knew it would scare away the undecided and confused who at the very least had concluded prior to the election that they know they don't want to oversimplify and compare discriminating the definition of marriage, with previous issues of discrimination that they felt were morally incorrect. ... The other side already realizes that gay activists want to compare marriage equality with ethnic, age, and gender equality. The gut reaction from the undecided person is - well wait a second there - not really the same thing. ... If the West Hollywood Presbyterian Church was to perform what they want to call a gay marriage - recognized solely by it's church - it can. The state will not stop the ceremony. ... no religious freedom is being interfered with. A church can say anything is anything inside it's own walls. If I want to say Murder is okay at LadderDayScroddy church, doesn't mean the state is interfering with my civil liberties by making it illegal.The state and church are separate. It just so happens that American values align with Judeo-Christian principals."

It is EXACTLY like gender and race discrimination, because BOTH types of discrimination had their origins based in religion, and had a majority of Americans in sound agreement of said discrimination.  Here's a quote from an article I read online:

Christians believed that the African people were a God cursed inferior race. According to Lorenzo Johnston Greene ‘The interweaving of Christianity and white supremacy is considered a defining quality of Southern slavery. Yet this also happened in the North. Not only was slavery sanctioned by the God of the Old Testament, it was a positive duty of his chosen people in the New World, because it brought the Gospel to the pagans of Africa. Thus could a Rhode Island elder rejoice, without any apparent consciousness of irony, when a slave ship coasted in to the wharf, that “an overruling Providence has been pleased to bring to this land of freedom another cargo of benighted heathens to enjoy the blessings of a Gospel dispensation.’ --The Negro in Colonial New England, 1620-1776. 

Women were seen as “inferior” because they had “smaller brains” and men carried “the priesthood” ---literally, the power of God.  And besides, women were responsible for the fall of man, too—After all, Eve ate the fruit then dragged her husband down with her—it was a sound and widely held belief… which was later proved false.

Racial and gender discrimination originated because of people’s “gut reaction” to things that they KNEW were right.  It was “the white man’s burden” to treat Africans and women that way.

Not unlike how anti-equality groups position themselves as being “morally correct” and “compassionate” because they are making it harder for families to form (mind you, the families that will form regardless) with no justification than religion and the traditions that were based off of said religion.  They are seeking to demonstrate that same-sex marriage is inferior and “different” and therefore feel justified—nay, smug in their “defense of marriage”, because they tolerate homosexuals so much that they have benevolently created a second-class status of “civil marriage”.

In response to the second part about a church being free to perform any ceremony they choose, in that regard, he is right. But the key point that's missing is that the state is recognizing the marriages of, say the Mormon Church, which uses a unique ceremony and marries people for “time and all eternity”—this is not the same marriage that is performed by the Catholic Church, for example, which marries people with a different ceremony and only “’til death do you part".  The state recognizes all the variations of marriage between the differing faiths—so why not the variation of two men or two women?  Why is the 24 hour marriage of two drunk morons in Vegas of more value than the the committed fidelity of a same-sex couple?

Leave personal feelings aside and look to the heart of the issue. People are being treated unfairly—people who pay taxes and have kids and serve on PTA boards are having their families attacked by people who are “uncomfortable” with a certain use of a word!  It’s absurd, because people won’t stop calling their marriages “marriages” because of Prop 8.  My husband will not become my “partner” because of prop 8.   Everything that people are fighting against is already here, so what are you fighting?

Mark my words—50 years from now, people will look back on this fight with the same disbelief that people look on the ERA amendments and the civil rights movement and wonder “how did people ever believe that discrimination was okay?”

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Saying "No Thanks"

I don't like leading anyone on--but it's easy for me to do, because I'm such a friendly guy and my politeness and conversation is often interpreted incorrectly to mean I'd be interested in being more than just friends.

Well, there's a gay mormon guy who lives in CA, who messaged me because we have a mutual friend.  He doesn't blog, and I've never met him.   To make a long story short he expressed that he thought I was attractive and he wanted to "get to know me better".

This is where I get annoyed.  First off, we've never even met--and he IS getting to know me better, because we've chatted a couple times.  But either way, I am friends with him on Facebook, so I know what he looks like and I can tell you I don't find him in the least bit physically attractive.  Personality wise, it really isn't much better--our conversations have been skin deep at best, and rather than continuing to get to know me, he insinuates he'd like to date me.

So I tell him straight up that I'd be happy to get to know him better, but that I don't find him attractive.  He basically flips out and starts speaking monosyllabically and ending every sentence with "?????" For example "Wow????" and "Can't find the words dude !!!!!"

Now I know I've lamented the lack of a boyfriend on this blog before--but that does NOT mean I'll just settle and accept the first guy that comes along with interest.  I work 50-70 hours a week, I don't have time to date people who do NOTHING for me either intellectually or physically.  I hate that I get treated like a bad guy for being forthright.  But that's how I feel--he wrote me this friggin' e-mail that was practically incoherent

I did not know how to react to you after what you said but i don't hold any hard feelings towards you. you like me have the right to have passionate feeling toward someone.to be honest i wanted to go off on you part of me did but if you take everything that people say personal then you hurt yourself a little.but i know that their nothing wrong with me i know that someday someone will want to get close to me and have feeling towards me.so i don't hold any hard feelings when you have been hurt like i have since i came out you tend to take things a little harder then others.i believe in love trust and respect treating other right and being treated right i don't ask people to love me or to like me just treat me as you would want yourself treated.so i am still up for getting to know you that's no problem with true intentions on both sides we can do this.

I would appreciate it if someone could help me understand what this even means...  All I know is that it further proves that this person is not right for me just in how they chose to react to honesty.

And one more thing--I don't care if this makes me sound like a colossal prick, but I couldn't deal with someone routinely drops words from his sentences and letters from his words (Examples: 2nd sentence: missing "s" on feeling; 3rd sentence "ly" missing from personal; 4th sentence "their" should be "there is"; 5th sentence "s" missing from feeling again; 7th sentence "other" needs to read "others" or "other people"; and of course the missing space between each new sentence, the complete absence of commas, and the complete absence of capitalization)

Now that you all think I'm a huge douche for being so picky about spelling and punctuation, let me just say this to you--It's important to me that someone be able to communicate clearly--I don't even know what to make of this message.  I wrote him back, and got and even MORE confusing message, this time it was twice as long.

But my favorite is this "i don't ask people to love me or to like me just treat me as you would want yourself treated."  I did just that--I want people to be HONEST with me, not lead me on, fuck around with my brain or play games.  So I think he would be happy to know that I treated him exactly as I'd like to be treated.

Speaking as someone who is obese (this person seemed a lot heavier than me, btw), I know I'm judged by my looks all time time--but I refuse to use that phony line that seems to be very popular with people who don't take care of themselves (I have been one of them)--it's always a rewording of that "it's not what's on the outside that counts" cliche.  This is how it was worded to me in the second e-mail:

i have been hurt by some many guys out there but when the hits come when someone thinks i am not the right size or look it may singe for abit but i walk it off because i am better then those who only see what they want to see i am not saying that looks make a big deal to you but i don't let that define me i let my heart define me looks are cool i agree but its what a man or any person holds on the inside that matter to me

Ugh.  Why does that idea seem to be only held by ugly or fat people, hmm?  OF COURSE what's on the inside counts.  It's BOTH.  You need both!!!  I know I used to think that way before I realized if I just took better care of myself, (IE, eat right and exercise) people WOULD find me attractive.  It's because it's easier to believe this "feel good" line about looks not mattering and to keep telling yourself that everyone is just too shallow to appreciate the you that's on the "inside" instead of doing the hard work and getting to the gym and eating right and getting in shape--I've been working at it for less than a year, and I've lost 30 pounds--it's not easy, but I know it has to be done--for myself, if not for anyone else.

I don't even know if I should post this--it's got quite a bit more venom and vituperation than I expected when I started out.

I guess I'll extend the question to you, kind readers--should I have gone on a date with this person?  (though I've now gone from ambivalence to completely turned off)  What would you have done?  Am I a mega-sized asshole for even writing this down?

Sunday, May 17, 2009


A fire burned down my old ward building back in Cambridge, MA today.
This building was my ward for 3.5 years as I attended Emerson College. Bishop O. of the University Ward saved my life by telling exactly what I needed to hear when I came to him ready to take my own life because of the crushing weight of my self hatred and shame. And now, this is all thats left. A memory, hazy with smoke.


Just like my faith.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Self Perception

So I actually think I look pretty good--and people have often told me I'm handsome. But I don't believe them, and I really don't believe myself.  This probably stems from the (in my mind, logical) obvious conclusion that I'm single and hot people aren't single (at least not for long).  Of course looks are only one part of a person's ability to get a guy--personality is huge, but thats not what this post is about.

Last weekend, the TV campaign I was working on provided us with free t-shirts for the film.  They only had up to XL, and I always buy XXL shirts.  But I tried on this XL shirt (it was black and form fitting) and the girl who works as edit assist said "Ezra, you look really good in that shirt, you should wear t-shirts more often!"

It was a surprising revelation.  I have shied away from t-shirts, favoring plaid button downs instead, as I am required to wear collared shirts for work.   I always thought that t-shirts made my man-boobs look more obvious and therefore, ugly.  But I've lost 30 pounds since last May, and I'm still wearing the same clothes and dressing the same as I did then!

On my date with Ben last weekend (which was okay, but we both agreed we're not a good match) he said that he didn't have a type--it could be anyone so long as they're not fat or ugly.  I laughed and I said "There's obviously something wrong with your vision, you're on a date with me!"

He smiled and said "You're not fat, you're chubby".

I'VE BEEN DOWNGRADED!!! LOL.  I'm still very much clinically obese, (BMI=34.6) but at the same time, I think carry my weight very well.

Lastly, my therapist told me that she thinks I have a style and that I just haven't developed it for myself yet.

So this last Saturday I went shopping for some new clothes.  I've never even set foot into a store like Aeropostale before--I'd never have fit into anything there one year ago.  But now, I was easily able to find clothes that fit and looked great! See the two outfits I got below:

Left, Macys; Right, Aeropostale.

I bought "skinny" jeans!  Not spray on jeans, mind you, but jeans that fit snugly around my legs--and I looked damn good, and my roommate's girlfriend and many folks on Facebook agreed!

That night I went down to West Hollywood, (AKA Gay Mecca) for my friend Spencer's going away bash.  As I parked my car and walked down Santa Monica Blvd in the outfit on the left (my skinny jeans and black shirt with patches and rolled up sleeves) I couldn't help but feel good.  As I passed a restaurant patio, several guys were clearly glancing my way!  Even if they didn't look for long, the point was that they were noticing me at all!  This is not something I'm used to by any means!

Basically, I'm feeling much better about my self image, and I've really enjoyed finding new clothes that work well for me.  I've committed to buying a few things every other week or so to build a better, cuter wardrobe... I like looking good, and though I'm far from a fashionista, I'm finding that I do like the way a good outfit makes me feel.

Do clothes make the man?  Or do they just help accent the wonderful man that's already within each of us?  Some may call it vain, but couldn't you say the same thing about the Mormon Temple?  It's made with the highest quality materials, and prominently displayed because it is God's house.   And my body is a temple, right?

Anyway, I suppose the whole purpose of this post was to show off how good I'm looking and feeling lately--sorry for being a bit self-serving.

I love you all and can't wait to see you when I get to Salt Lake for the next Moho Party!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

F*ck You Very Much!

BEWARE: F-word abounds, but it's totally worth it.

I love this song, and now it's stuck in my head.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Gay Community Is WAY TOO SMALL

I went on a date with Ben on Saturday. About halfway through the date, we both realize that we're not a good match, and so we just agree to be friends. At which point Ben shows me the profile of a guy (Luke) he just messaged on OKcupid. Tonight I'm on Connexion and I see Luke's profile as I'm browsing--and who is Luke friends with according the the side panel? Brandon--the guy I'd written to on Cupid, who is friends with Spencer.

I'm gonna puke. If it's this small, I'll run out of guys to ask out in about a year... *sigh*

...even at the pathetically slow rate at which I get dates...


In case you weren't in the Bay Area on April 17th, here's an audio recording of my performance. I recorded it with my digital still camera, which was sitting behind a booth. If you find it hard to hear--tough cookies, If I could have gotten a board feed I would've!

For those who might not want/care to listen, you can download a PDF of the piece, here. But trust me, it's more fun to hear me read it and hear the audience reactions.