Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Super Gay Sunday

So here's my long version of my teaser post from monday.

I'm been working A LOT this past week or so, (yesterday I worked 19 hours!) so I've let blogging fall by the way-side.  It also doesn't help that I don't have internet at home--though now that I think about it I could have written a post offline and then brought it in to work to post instead.

But I have some downtime while I'm waiting for a tape, so here's the deal on what I'm calling my "Super Gay Sunday".

The day started off with me waking and making a "Funfetti" cake for my roommate's girlfriend.  It was her 22nd birthday, and I wanted to do something nice for her, to dispel any remaining idea that I don't like her or don't approve of her.  Early on in their relationship, I think I was a bit stand-offish because they seemed to me to be a bad match... but with time I've come around to see that they actually are a great couple.

In addition to the cake, I went to the grocery store and bought a bushel of balloons.  While the girl filled them, she asked me "are these for a boy or a girl?" which I like to think was a creative way of asking me if I was gay--so I told her the story about my roommate's girlfriend, and that as a gay man I don't have a girl, or a guy, for that matter, to give balloons too.  She was really friendly and assured me that it just takes time.  She seemed suprised that I was only 22...

Anyway, while the cake baked, I wrote to a strictly platonic craigslist ad for a guy looking for a "witty, dry sense of humor conversationalist".  I thought that was intriguing, so I e-mailed, and we sent a few messages back and forth, before it was time for me to head down to Lawndale CA for my lunch with Spencer.  So I asked him to call me while I drove, and he did.

So we talked about this that and the other until I got to Lawndale.  An enjoyable time, but I had to say goodbye when I arrived at Spencer's house.

Most of you know, from my post "Another Amazing Happenstance" that Spencer is the guy I met on OKcupid who's best friend caused me so much angst when he rejected my invitation to get to know me.

Well, after essentially standing him up this Tuesday because I got stuck at work, I readily agreed to reschedule our meet-up for a Sunday lunch.

Now, a funny thing about Spencer is that he's 6'8".  Now, I know this, and was fully expecting tall--but when I knocked on his door (not realizing that there was a step up to get into the front door) and he answered, I was literally taken aback.  He was a good 14 inches higher than me as a result of the extra step... it was pretty crazy.

Anyway, after the initial surprise wore off, we headed towards Hermosa Pier, and decided on a Greek Tapas place.  SO GOOD.  We ordered a bunch of little dishes and ate and talked.  Spencer is so much like me it's not even funny.  I observed the language that he used, the playful and friendly manner in which he addressed the waitstaff, and was just happy.  He playfully chided me for standing him up, and at one point said "Jesus Christ" and then said "I should have said Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints", directly referencing one of my initial reasons for writing him in the first place.  His memory of the little details made me happy--he made me feel like he was glad to be spending time with me--I was certainly happy to be spending time with him.

I'd brought along a rather challenging puzzle-based Geocache for us to do after dinner. (Click the link if you wanna see what I mean--it's a puzzle requiring you to solve a number grid and then use the solution as your "road map"--looping you around through "senic" Lawndale, CA).  Spencer apparently loves puzzles, so he was very excited to solve it.  This made me happy, because so many people are sort of blase about Geocaching, and it's something I think is totally awesome.

The bummer part of this story is that he's moving to Sacramento in mid-may, and so the whole time we're hanging out, I realize that there's a good chance I'll never see him again.

The cache is in this picture... can you spot it?

The cache is that pipe of conduit bolted the the pole!!!  It was so cool I was practically giddy with delight.  I hope I didn't seem crazy--but I was thrilled!

Well, I dropped Spencer off at home so he could get to work.  I drove home, thinking about the fun time I'd just had, and bumming out that it wouldn't happen again, most likely, before the move.

So in an attempt to distract myself from loneliness, I called the craigslist guy and asked if he wanted to hang out and maybe go to a park and walk around or something.  So I picked him up and we went to Woodley Park and visited the Sepulveda Dam. (below)

This dam is awesome, and since it's for flood control, it's always a blast to visit and run up the dry spillways.  Stephen was a nice enough kid, but there wasn't any chemistry, and the difference in how I felt and spoke around him and how I felt and spoke around Spencer was like night and day.

So I dropped Stephen back at home after the park, fully intending to never speak to him again, because with my extremely limited free time, I've got people who I care about a lot more (like friends) than to hang out with someone I'm "meh" about.

Anyway, I got home and decided to call my friend Brandon B, who is the first guy I ever dated. (Granted it was just a coffee date.) and asked if he wanted to grab dinner.  He obliged, and we met at Bossa Nova on Sunset Blvd.  We chatted and caught up, and somehow he suggested that we go to WeHo together and visit a gay club--so we did!  Now granted, we went very tame, and it was a Sunday night, but all told, it was a very interesting experience to see men in such numbers holding, kissing, laughing and talking.  I mostly just stood chatting with Brandon and absorbing the vibe.

Oh, and a forty year old drunk man talked to me and Brandon for a while, extending the generous but undesired offer of his cock to suck.  He also groped my man boob and kissed my neck.  Suprisingly, I was not threatened by this, and was more amused than anything else.

Anyway, I finally took that step and got over that fear, and it wasn't a big deal.  I also had a sip of Vodka Tonic, when Brandon offered me to taste.  It tasted like NyQuil... there was little temptation to drink more.

That night, after all visiting the clubs, I returned to my home at 2am, overly weary (big mistake) for the intense week we had ahead of us at work.  But I hoped online and found that Spencer had invited me to his going away party in WeHo in a couple weeks.  Well, it made me glad that I'd gone to get over the fear so that I can say yes to his invitation.

The other funny thing, is that Spencer's friend Brandon, the editor friend, who I blogged about getting rejected by in my "Creepy Stalker" post, will be there... so he'll get to see exactly how awesome of a guy he ignored!

Anyway, today's been super hard, so I'm going to pass out--I've had a cap of NyQuil and I'm hoping that this is coherant when I read it back tomorrow.

Oh, and I have a date for this weekend.  He seems nice, and pretty cute, but not sure if he'll be my type---more on that when it goes down. Night!

Monday, April 27, 2009

A Gay Day

This Sunday was a very gay day.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Helpful Tips for Dating Returned Missionaries (Repost)

Troy Williams Posted this amazing article that makes some great points about the frustration behind being gay and mormon. I have reposted the first few paragraphs with permission, but I highly recommend reading the whole article.

"Last week my roommate came bursting through the front door, “What is it with gay men hung up on Mormonism!?” Ah. I could only assume the obvious. He was experiencing the frustration of dating a guy still trying to reconcile his faith and sexuality. “I think its fear,” he continued. “That and privilege” I responded. “Mormon men have been told since childhood that they are the elect of the earth. Coming out as a big nelly fag stripped them of their divine birthright. The trauma is just now sinking in.” Yup. As Mormon men we were once the first of the first class citizens – but now, suddenly, through a quirk of desire, we have been stripped of our chosen status. Saturday’s Warriors have become Friday Night Infidels.

Gay LDS men have a seemingly more difficult time getting over the Church than gay Mormon women. Within their theology and culture, women have always played a subservient role in both Church and household. The stigma associated with being a lesbian isn’t so different from being ranked below a man in all other sectors of society.

This point came home after I read an interview with the African-American author James Baldwin. Richard Goldstein from the Village Voice asked Baldwin why white men seemed more outraged over homophobia than black men. Baldwin responded, “[As a white gay] you’re placed outside a certain safety to which you think you were born. A black gay person is already menaced and marked because he or she is black… I think white gay people feel cheated because they were born into a society where they were supposed to feel safe… Their reaction seems to me in direct proportion to the sense of being cheated of the advantages that accrue to white people in society.” (Homocons; Goldstein, p. 32)"

See the whole article here.

I know it's not the in-depth follow up/update post that you've been eagerly waiting for, but I feel like our moho community would enjoy Mr. Williams blog.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

SSA Hiring Initiative

I opened my inbox this morning and was greeted with an e-mail from my EQ Pres with this subject line:

"Fwd: SSA Hiring Initiative: Free Teleconference"

SSA=Social Security Administration... not Same Sex Attraction.


Longer post sometime today, I promise.


Friday, April 17, 2009

And There's The Problem...

So it's official. I'm not gay enough.

I'm in the Castro blogging from my phone. A little while ago I had lunch at a little restaurant here called "home". They had an amazing meatloaf sandwich that knocked my socks off. But I digress.

When I got my check, I asked my (gay) waiter what I should do or what was a must see. He directed my that if I as going up towards this one area that there were a bunch of bars and strips clubs "like I think there's a Hustler strip club up there.". Yeah then I directly asked what to see and do in re Castro and I got told to check out the Castro theater because they show classic films.

So even in the heart of the Castro people don't even ask if I'm gay because it's apparenty not even in doubt. Now granted, I realize that maybe he just wanted to air on the safe side, assuming that straight people can get offended when their sexuality is questioned, and many gay men would be merely amused or flattered by the assumption that on is straight. But still.

I do not feel like I fit in in any community anymore. I'm pretty much done with
Mormonism and I'm still not comfortable with myself and don't identify with the gay community. I feel sick to my stomach.

Anyway, Mortified is tonight and if I'm lucky someone will invite me out with their group so I don't feel like a total loner lamo.

I feel like in many ways I like the person I was when I was in the closet a lot better. I feel less confident and more reserved an shy than ever. Sigh whatever I just am really lost.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Another Amazing Happenstance

So my life is very odd--coincidences happen to me all the time, and once again I've found myself privileged to be be a victim of happenstance.

Some of you may recall a recent post in which I spoke of my growing stalker tendencies. This post was a result of being ignored by another guy on OKcupid.

Well, about two weeks later, I was "matched" by the "Quiver Match" system to a guy named Spencer. I decided to write him based primarily on his use of the phrase "Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" as an exclamation in one section of his profile.  I mentioned that I thought it was funny, probably because I had been raised LDS.

Well, he wrote back inquiring about my experience with the Mormon Church, and whether my departure had been dramatic and sudden or more of a drifting away. He also mentioned seeing a one man show about an ex-Mormon. I responded and told him it was pretty sudden on the outside, but very gradual inside, and that the show to which he was referring was probably either "Confessions of a Mormon Boy" or "Missionary Position" by Steven Fales. I provided him a link my blog, specifically the post about Missionary Position, and extend the invitation for him to read more to get a better idea of my journey.

Anyway, to make a long story short (too late), we get to talking. And he casually asks me,

"What was the name of the guy you were stalking, the editor in NoHo?"

"His name was Brandon, I think."

"He's my best friend." 

Uh oh.

"But I won't tell!"

Sigh of relief.

Except he did tell him. He mentioned to Brandon that "there's this blog I'm reading that you should check out--but don't be surprised if some of it seems familiar"

Yeah, so I have had both of these fellows reading my blog. Hi guys! Is the gay community really that small? I guess so. At least the gay editing community--that's me, Brandon and Clint so far!

Anyway, I don't really care that he told Brandon about this blog, I'm sure he was amused to learn how his inaction caused my angst-written blog post, and that's dandy.

I've continued to converse with Spencer, and he's a really awesome guy who I have great conversations with. I look forward to our chats and it aggravates me to know that he's moving to Sacramento in a month, because I feel like he could be a really good friend, and I don't feel like I have any really close gay friends. :(

So what continues to bother me is that these two guys are close friends, and undoubtedly have a lot in common and get along really well. So chances are, if I'm getting along well with one, I'd probably get along well with the other. So it makes it all the more damning to think that there's cool gay people who could potentially be awesome friends with me right in my own section of LA, and yet I remain not merely boyfriendless, but "gay best friendless". :(


Saturday, April 11, 2009

Being Here For Once

I have been meaning to make several blog posts as of late and I find that the only time I have lately have been sitting at the laundromat.

This also gives me an excuse to practice and hopefully improve my iPhone typing speed and accuracy. So far, so good.

Anyways, I'll start this post talking about my recent trip to Yosemite National Park. It was amazing. I didn't think that I'd want to stay the full six nights as I was alone, however I found that once I was out in nature, I was fine. No, I was better than fine, I was amazing.

I feel peace when I am alone in nature. My mind grows quiet, the gears slow down, and I am suddenly present. 100% present in the here and now. For once in my life, I'm not thinking about what I'm going to make for dinner or worrying about the next day at work. For once in my life, I don't reminisce about the past or dwell on mistakes.

For once in my life I feel free.

That's the power of nature-- that's what God is supposed to feel like. We shouldn't spend our days pining for some imaginary heavenly glory that may or may not be what we think it is or even exist! We must work to build Zion HERE RIGHT NOW. Because that's where we live.

Friday, April 10, 2009

And I Am Afraid!

So I'm sure you're all well aware of the National Organization for Marriage's ridiculous video regarding their new "Rainbow Coalition" to prevent marriage equality.

It makes me sad to think that millions of dollars are being spent to keep gay families from forming--and yet, they form regardless.  Just as you can't stop a rainstorm, you can't stop marriage equality.  It's coming--and everyone will someday be sheltered by the same legal umbrella. (Okay, sorry for taking the analogy so far!)

Anyway, the style of this video reminded my of my friend Seth, the first gay christian I ever met.  He was the one who helped me realize that I didn't have to be a Godless heathen to embrace my whole self.  Back before any of this nonsense with Prop 8 was even a blip on the radar, Seth made the video below:

New Apologetics
It's an incredible work, and I find it funny that the style is very similar. Though, I have to say, it's sad to think that one college student with some friends can make a more professional looking spot than a 1.5 million dollar ad campaign.

BTW, Seth is the guy with the deep voice and long hair at the end, apologizing.

The Airport Pickup

Seinfeld says that the airport pickup is the most important indicator of friendship.

That being said, if I booked a flight to Scott's moho party on May 30th, and arrived mid-day on May 30th, or late Friday the 29th, who would be able to grab me from the Salt Lake airport and bring me to the party?

And who would be willing to put up with me--er, I mean, put me up for the night?

Let me know! I'd really appreciate getting all this figured out before I book tickets, and the longer I wait, the higher the prices get!

Oh, and I still have some good lengthy updates coming, including a brief review of "In Quiet Desperation".  Stay tuned!

Friday, April 3, 2009

This is what happens--

I didn't read blogs while I was in Yosemite.


Now I've got about 30 entries to catch up on.

I considered just hitting "mark all as read", but I care about you all too much to want to miss anything you've uncovered, discovered and felt while I was exploring.

So give me some time, and I'll get back on track!