Tuesday, June 30, 2009
It’s strange to even think about it. I am in love/have a crush. Let me rewind and explain.
Seth contacted me on Couchsurfing.com. He’s a 22 year old filmmaker from NY. Probably one of the most amazing spirits I’ve encountered in a long time. When he arrived, we walked and talked and I started to realize that he acted and talked the way I used to. Excited, full of life, friendly. We were joined by Nick, (the other person I’ve met this summer.) and we went to Sand Hollow Resevoir. We all played and splashed in the water and had a great time. We swam out to the island in the resevoir and jumped into the water.
There was one place where it was 17-20 jump into the water! It was an adrenaline rushing experience.
Anyway, because Kim was staying with us too, Seth slept in my room and we stayed up late (til 4am) talking about everything. Religion, politics, film, sexuality, etc. He is a gay Christian. We talk about what that was like. I lied and pretended I was straight. But when he left Friday morning I felt an emptiness inside. I’ve never felt this sad, even when leaving my best friends or family behind. This was a new experience that I’ve never encountered before. A new sensation. I couldn’t get anything done at work, I just kept thinking about him. How he’d burst into snippets of song, how he’d look me in the eye and smile when talking to me. Everyone loved him—Steven, Kim, David, Nick. He’s everything I wish I was. Smart, winning personality, great heart, openly gay but still maintains Christian beliefs. He’s athletic, thin and beautiful. He’s not like some waxed porno star—he had a hairy chest, but he’s tall and thin. Beautiful both inside and out.
This is so frustrating. I want to just tell him how I feel, give up on trying to “fix” my sexuality and be with someone like Seth. He’s exactly the type of person I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. I didn’t want him to leave and for the last two days I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. I talked to Dad about it today, and that was nice, to have someone to share my feelings with. Just knowing how non-judgemental my father is has been good for our relationship.
I think the most frustrating thing of all is that even if I were to embrace homosexuality and tell Seth how I really feel, he’d probably be disgusted with me for lying to him and basically working to be straight, and he probably feels nothing for me. I’m fat and ugly and he’s an attractive gay male. He could get any guy he wants. Why would he want some emotionally scarred closet case fatso?
Or maybe he felt the connection too. But probably not, since I told him I’m straight, so he probably never even considered it. But oh, how I wish he did.
I am scared for my mental health because I’m starting to act like Joe Collesano, when he was projecting himself into relationships that didn’t exist. I wish we could watch a movie together, relaxing on the couch, holding each other in our arms… but it’s a stupid thought, and my mind knows this, but my heart aches/longs/pines for his companionship again.
But he’d never be attracted to me because I’m a coward—I’ve hid from myself and who I am for so long. I want to abandon the Mormon Church. When I talk to Dad, his beliefs are so clean and based on love. I want to feel happy from inside, and I can’t feel that right now living the way I’m living. God will give us no burden that we can’t handle.—but maybe it has to be handled differently. Do I have to bear my homosexuality for the rest of my life? Can’t I have someone in my life to cuddle and love?
I’m starting to repeat myself, but needless to say, I’m missing Seth a lot, even though I only met him for a few hours. There’s a special connection (at least with me.) and I just e-mailed him about it tonight (about having a “connection”) I’m nervous to see what he says. I just can’t get over the way he’d smile. Such a beautiful smile, like he really liked me and cared about what I was saying.
When he left, I gave him a “hug/shake” where you shake hands and then pull the other person in for a pat on the back. I wish I could have gotten a real hug. I liked getting a hug from him. *sigh* I’ve been sighing a lot in the last two days.
Well, I should move on from talking about Seth.
On Saturday, (today) I met up with Aaron (from Harrisonburg, VA) who’s going to Dixie State. I went to Sand Hollow with him and his two new girlfriends, Liza (from Hawaii) and Mandy (from Colorado) we had a great time splashing and diving into the rocks. Now I’m home and our four couchsurfers are here. Norah, Estelle, Lorenzo, and Angela. They are Tufts students road-tripping back to Boston (well, Sommerville) over like 3 weeks. They all seem really nice and they’re headed to Zion National Park tomorrow to hike Angel’s Landing. I should probably wrap this up, I’ve been writing for 45 minutes.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
It’s been a long week. On Monday I volunteered at the Church cannery and probably moved 6,000 cans of apricots in my four hour shift. Later, during the week, I got really depressed about having no friends and my struggle with homosexuality. So I called and talked to Bishop O. I tried not to cry when I was on the phone with him. But it did make me feel better. I need to persue making friends with Gunnar. I think he and I should make good friends. I’m just to creeped out to go to “Zumiez” in the mall and talk to him. Call it fear, stupidity, or maybe I’m nervous that he’ll see through me, see that I’m not a very good Mormon, or even that I’m gay. Fear. Discomfort. Anguish. These are the things that make me who I am. Am I really just an “underdeveloped” man who never developed his manhood and so he longs for the manhood of another? Or am I doomed by God because of some sin? Who knows.
Moving on, this week Dad had his Herb Walk this week, and it was very successful. Everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves and I seemed to be really liked by all the women who visited. In particular, Tanya from California. She seemed to really like me and she was a sweet old lady—I carried her backpack for her into Zion because it was hard for her to walk. She was such a trooper, I’m hoping to keep in touch with her.
Did a little budgeting today and I’m still wondering how I’m going to afford school. I imagine God will take care of me, especially as I have a testimony of the power of tithing and have been paying in full. This morning I ran for as long as I could at 8am. I couldn’t get far, but I’m going to try to get up each morning and run until I have to stop, and hopefully reverse my obesity. Wish me luck and persistence.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
by christopher davis (the Moho I met on craigslist)
oh God, the Eternal Father
i ask thee this day if i should even bother
for i'm damned if i do and i'm damned if i don't
the efforts i make either matter or won't
i could love with the one i would love to, oh Lord,
or live sad and alone, claim a deathly "reward"
but even then i can't be with the one i would choose
no matter how i play, in the end i will lose
so to enjoy life at all, i must do this one sin
but i'll try to meet you halfway, amen
Friday, June 19, 2009
Scott: There will never be a time that you could suicide and *not* cause people pain and trouble. I love you, and losing you will hurt, even if it's 80 years from now and due to natural causes. Mostly I just wanted to let you know that I love you
Ezra: I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel undeserving of the friends I have. God knows I wouldn't be friends with me. I'd run like hell in the opposite direction from this train wreck
Scott: It isn't up to you to decide who's friends with you. I get to choose who I'm friends with, and I like you. You can choose whether or not to reciprocate that friendship, but you're getting it from me either way. And I'll always count myself lucky to know you.
Ezra: I'm 22 and I'm giving up. How fuckin' pathetic is that? You'd be crazy to want to know a loser like that.
Scott: I like you just because you're *you*. Because I like *Ezra*.
*apologies to initially leaving Ned and Frank off my list.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Who would have thought a year ago, or even a few weeks ago for that matter, that by the time we got to Pride Month, 2009, that the following statements would be true?
Dick Cheney has come out as more publicly supportive of marriage equality than Barack Obama.1
Iowa is now more gay-affirming than California.2
More people in the United States are afraid or distrustful of Mormons than of gay people.3
1. Dick Cheney came out this month in favor of full marriage equality; Barack Obama has said that he is in favor of the legal benefits of marriage, but not of calling our relationships “marriage.”
2. Iowa is one of six states (with more coming) that now has full marriage equality. The California Supreme Court has now overturned that state’s marriage equality law, creating three legal classes of citizens in California: straight people, who can marry each other (one man and one woman at a time) at will, 18,000 same-gender couples married in 2008, who are married to their present spouse (but who are not permitted to remarry in the event of death or divorce), and the rest of California’s citizens who are not permitted to marry.
3. A Washington Post article on May 29, cites a poll showing that “more people in the United States harbor apprehensions about Mormons than about homosexuality.” The article goes on to state that 80% of Americans know or work with a gay person, 48% know or work with a Mormon.
4. This is what the post is about.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
But it's fun anyway.
-My voice pitches up when I get excited
-I've never been into watching or playing sports
-I sing showtunes and other songs in my car
-I can't live without frequent hugs and massages
-I am hyper sensitive. Disney movies and sappy endings make me cry, I'm easily upset by the suffering of others, etc.
-I cook, and love to teach myself to cook new things
-I have been doing my own laundry since I was in 6th grade or so
-I've never dated/kissed/made out with a woman
-I don't mind asking for directions
-I did musical theater productions in high school
-I was in choir
-I was never athletic
-I drive a manual transmission
-I love being outdoors, hiking, swimming and exploring
-I have mostly straight male friends my whole life (up until the last year or so
-My sense of direction is excellent
-I resent needing to ask for help
-I can open stubborn jars and bottles
-I'm not flamboyant
-I find history and politics fascinating
-I don't read fashion or gossip magazines/websites
I'm sure there's plenty more that I'm forgetting... Let me know if you can think of them
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I watch the patchwork farms
Slow fade into the ocean's arms
Calm down, release your cares
The stale taste of recycled air
The Postal Service - Recycled Air
It was an epic journey to say the least. When I landed, I was blessed with a visit from Austin. We sat in the classy Phoenix International Airport and discussed the drama and the joy in each others lives. From crazy haters chatting him up on his blog, to the troubles with his boyfriend's coming out to his family, to our perspectives of what it means to be Mormon and gay. A delightful time. My only complaint was that it was too short of a visit. I have a feeling we'll get to cross paths again, though. Before I went back through security, we snapped this pic:
If only I had realized that I'd be in the airport another 3 hours, I would have asked him to stay longer. Or maybe gone somewhere. It went down like this: I went back through security, and headed toward the gate indicated on my boarding pass. When I got there, I found that they'd moved the plane to the gate at THE EXTREME OTHER END OF THE ENTIRE TERMINAL! I checked the signage and found that my flight was "On Time" and hustled the 2/3rds of a mile or so (thank goodness for moving walkways) to the new gate. Upon arriving, I settle into the waiting area, only to realize that I've been called to the counter--everyone has been called to the counter--to receive a new boarding pass and a 10 dollar meal voucher, as our flight has been cancelled due to mechanical failure. The next flight wouldn't be leaving until 8:15, which meant that I was now scheduled to arrive in SLC at 11pm. The party would be drawing to a close by the time I arrived. Frustration and anger welled up inside of me. And rather than recap these feelings, I'll merely provide you with this link to the stream of conscience writing that I did after I finally boarded the plan.
CAUTION--READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED--OBSCENITIES AND BLASPHEMY THAT YOU CAN'T BELIEVE ARE WITHIN THIS DOCUMENT.
Well, I finally arrived and while waiting for Scott to pick me up, I spotted a guy who I thought was gay from when we boarded in Salt Lake, and he and I were alone on the platform waiting together, and I still kick myself for not just starting a conversation. I need be be less of a coward--why shouldn't I just struck up a conversation with a cute boy, even if he is straight and/or I'll never see him again? It's practice! Anyway, the party was fantastic. I met some people for the first time, and some old friends were reunited. My day had been so sour prior to that party, but when I walked in the door I felt like the Fonz "HEEEEEY!" And was immediately happy. Special thanks to all those people who waited until I got their before leaving--especially Clint. His blog was the first one that really spoke to me, and it was so well written, not to mention our common background in media production. We became fast friends, and I was so happy that he waited for me. Hugs were administered. Smiles were shared, and conversation, though painfully brief, was delightful. Sadly, he left not 10 minutes after my arrival. I had so many other new friends there though, the sadness didn't hit me until the next morning.
I was doing a lousy job of holding by my tears as I wished Scott a goodbye. Hugged once--then twice. Told him how much I loved him and his family. I turned away and walked inside, and started bawling.
I'm sure I was a sight to see. The perky TSA agent who checked my ticket didn't bat an eye, and for that I was grateful. Her concern would have turned my muffled tears into an outright wail. Even now I'm not 100% sure why I cried. I felt so tumultuous inside, I felt despair at leaving such dear friends behind that I'd shared mere minutes with. I felt the weight of decisions not mine to make, and the fear and trepidation of consequences not yet meted out. I cried because I have so much love in my life and my path is so easy. It seems that I must be an incredibly weak soul, for God to provide me with so many blessings and so few trials--knowing just how little I would be able to handle.
I learned that Clint was departing from the same Terminal and Concourse as I, and so I was delighted to find that I got another 40 minutes to hang out with him before going home. He could see my tears and I felt no shame in them... but I think I did a piss-poor job of explaining them. When surrounded by strangers, it's hard to have a conversation about what you're feeling.
I got a picture of my friend before I boarded:
Why do I deserve this?
Who will ever love me?
Will I ever know with a surety that my path is good?
And I closed my eyes and leaned back, and tried to understand.