Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Excitement and Apprehension - Hand-wringing in the New Year

In about 2 hours I begin my 4 hour drive up to the valley of the Great Salt Lake to attend Scott's New Years Moho party/get-together/shindig/bash/hurrah.

Yesterday, I left LA at 6pm, after a long day at work.  I fought valiantly against the rest of Los Angeles, whose taillights formed a red serpent that slithered towards Sin City.   Climbing the mountain and crossing the desert, the winter cold whistled at the window.   My cracked ipod screen prohibits me from listening to my music in any order except alphabetical by artist,  and so I was unable to think straight.  Exhausted and spent much more quickly than usual, my general pattern of driving thrown off by the excess traffic and the morons who insist on driving in the fast lane 10 mph underneath the speed limit (which is about 20 mph underneath the general flow of traffic), I had to stop, nap, and take night photography.

The photo at the right was taken at about 10pm, 8 second exposure, ISO 80, F-3.1 at a ranch exit in California.  Could it be a metaphor for my life?  The road I want to take is unavailable to me...?

I thought I might not make it.  I wondered why I was driving 700 miles.  Spending hundreds of dollars in lost wages from taking extra days off, gas, and food.  What was I doing?  I don't know any of these people!  I read their words on the screen and I hear of their struggles, but I don't know them.  And they don't know me.  What do I expect from this?  What do I want?  What am I nervous about?

I've been thinking about this a lot.  On the one hand I have been super excited about this party since I realized I would actually be able to attend.  The chance to meet a group of people who know what I've been going through, who know the framework of my thoughts, the struggle that it causes, and the crippling indecision that it creates.

When I was still in the closet, I used to subconsciously deny my sexuality by process of comparison.  I had a perception of the elements that made a homosexual, and by process of simple A+B=C, I concluded that if "that" was gay, and "that" certainly wasn't me, then I wasn't gay.

But I now know that there are all kinds of gay men, and I see the blogosphere as the only community I somewhat identify with.  But even there I sometimes feel like an outsider.  Most of the blogs I enjoy reading the most seem to be of good men who are continuing to stay in the church, even if they want a boyfriend or are pursuing a relationship.  For me, as fallout from the Prop 8 battle in California, I lost my testimony.

I lost my testimony.

I've never written or said that before.  But I think it's true.  Am I really a Moho?  I don't know.  But being gay didn't make me lose my faith.  I lost my faith when the things the church taught me my whole life were thrown out the window, and I chose to follow my heart, my conscience.  And sadly, since the church doesn't really allow personal interpretations, I had to leave, lest my faith be constantly questioned by doting members.  I couldn't make it work.  I was tired of trying.  All I can really say these days is that if I'm wrong, and I won't be returning to the kingdom of heaven, at least I'll be in good company.  My father, older sister and brother will all be there... so much for families together forever, I guess.

I closing, I'm very nervous about how this evening will go.  Will I be loved, welcomed and accepted?  Will I make lasting, life-long friends?  Will I learn something about myself?  Will God show me the path I should follow?

Or will it just be another year of "I don't knows".

See you when I see you.  Goodnight.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Public Blog with Comments Enabled

I decided there's no reason not to put this blog on my profile and allow comments, so it's all available now. Still not sure whether to make the blog published to and searchable by search engines--what do you folks do on your blogs?

Now, it's time to talk to Mother.

Well, I came out to my sister, and though on the surface she's taking it well, I think it's going to hit her a little while later the full implications of what I've told her.

I've made sure to emphasize that I always want her to feel like she can ask me anything and I'll be happy to answer the best that I can. The only question she asked me was "So what kinda guys are you attracted to?"

Hahaha, that's still a bit awkward for me to talk about, but I did my best to answer, and she just said "it just occured to me that we could talk about boys".


Anyway, it's all good I guess. I think the funniest thing was that she said "Really?" and "For real?" when I said I was gay. I had to re-iterate three times before she simply shrugged "okay".

Not how I envisioned it, but it's all right I suppose.

Anyway, we've been doing some after-Christmas shopping around St. George today and trying to pick up good deals on Christmas crap for next year. It's been fun, but I do wish she'd talk to me a little bit more concerning my sexuality. I know she's got to be thinking about it.

Or maybe I'm just completely self-absorbed.

Well, be sure to pass this journal/blog around to all of your mohomies--I'd love to get some readers, because it'd almost definately motivate me to keep writing.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEW YEARS PARTY AT SCOTT'S HOUSE!!! See you all there, my Moho's!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas and the Good News

I first opened myself up to the possibility of actually dating a guy back in the first week of September. At the suggestion of my roommate, I created a profile on a dating site, and started messaging.

Sadly, I was almost universally ignored. It was saddening because I had finally allowed myself to try, and I was facing rejection after rejection. I'd been alone so long that I wanted desperately to have someone to give all my love to, to say sweet nothings to. And finally I was open to it, but I couldn't find anyone.

At least anyone that I liked back.

I went on dates with several different guys, grabbing a bite or watching a movie and snuggling on the couch. It was wonderful to have some male intimacy in my life, but I always shut them down after a date or two because of lack of --je ne sais pas, of chemistry. And the last thing I want is to lead someone on in order to fufill my own desire for companionship, that's really low.

So months have passed, sending message after message, being ignored and generally beginning to think that being out and open was almost the same as being in the closet.

But on Sunday I got a message from a new guy, and I'm very optimistic about it. I'm trying to take it slow, but he seems attracted to me, and I think he's cute for many reasons. It's somewhat frustrating because I met this guy right before leaving the state for essentially two weeks. Argh.

Whilst here in Utah for Christmas, I fully intend to reveal my sexuality to my little sister. She'll be the last sibling brought into the know, but only because I haven't seen her in person since I started coming to terms with myself.

Anyway, to all my fellow Mohos--closeted and out, married and single, devout and ex-mormon, I wish you the happiest of Holidays and a very Merry Christmas. You all deserve it, and I love you so much for the guidance and love I receive from you.

God Bless Us, Everyone!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

June 17th, 2007 - The First Entry where I actually directly mention Homosexuality

Dear Journal,

It’s Father’s Day 2007. My brother and I got him a salt shaker and a pepper mill combo, since he needed a nice set that he could put on the dining room table. My brother got a double wide butter dish, since Dad broke his old one.

My brother didn’t feel up to going to church this week, so now I’m sitting alone on Father’s day with a a lot on my mind. I really wonder where my father is, and where I am, especially considering our own unique problems and issues. I do feel this church has truths, for example, I know pornography is destructive and a sin. It’s exploitative, vulgar, and makes light of something sacred. However, masterbation seems so innocent. It’s a way provided by our loving God to keep us from committing some more grave sin from sexual frustration and weakness.

But it also could just be rationalization of sinful behavior.

I have been struggling with same-gender attraction since, oh, I don’t know, 5th grade or so, maybe 1997 or 1996. 10 years. More than 10 years I’ve been hiding and suppressing what I really feel inside and it’s destroying me. Crushing me under guilt and sadness and suicidal thoughts. Since I started working with Bishop O. this spring, the suicidal thoughts have stopped (mostly). I masturbate a 1/10th of the times I used to, and for a time I even stopped viewing pornography. However, even when I was doing all those things, there was still so much I wasn’t doing—scriptures, prayer, etc. And through it all, the best I got was not thinking homosexual thoughts. But I never felt or feel attracted to a girl, and I still fantasized about guys. Basically I think almost all my energy and physical ailments stem from this lack of love, lack of expression and companionship. I am an actor, and I have played the role of a lifetime. Playing a happy, well-adjusted hetero-male, when I’m not. I want to come out, abandon this church and get all new-agey like Dad. But I’m so scared that I will be wrong, that I’ll disappoint people. Disappoint God. Besides, I’m fat and I don’t want to be gay. I do want a family and someone to be with so I won’t have to live my life alone.

Here in St. George, every time I see one of those cute tanned blond Mormon boys I cry because I worry that maybe I’d have been one of them if I’d had a different family of stayed in Utah. I meet people at checkout registers and wish I could ask them to be my friend without being super creepy and scary.

I had a brilliant idea the other day about being in a play—that way I could socialize, act and have some fun without being creepy.

Anyway, I’m also kinda sick. So that sucks, and hopefully will clear up.

Love yourself, since no one else will.


Thursday, November 20, 2008

People Who Know...

People who know I am gay:

Steven H. - Father
Sarah T. - Older Sister
Nathaniel K. - Friend of Sarah T.
Katie H. - Little Sister
David H. - Older Brother
Joyce H. - Grandmother on my mom's side
Joseph C. - Roommate/Friend
Joseph's Girlfriend
Daniel R. - Friend
Jonathan P. - Friend
Becka F. - Friend
Tanner M. - Friend
Tanner's Girlfriend
Danny Z. - Friend
Seth D. - Friend
Daniel S. - Seth's Roommate/Friend
Josh H. - Friend
Kevin M. - Friend
Kyle H. - Friend
Jake S. - Friend
Matt B. - Friend
Maxx H. - Friend
Grant M. - Friend
Jeremiah C. - Friend
Arthur N. - Husband of Jeremiah C.
Kim K. - Friend
Nick P. - Co-worker
Lee S. - Co-worker
Judd M. - Co-worker
Brent G. - Home teaching companion
Ron R. - Home teachee
Bryan L. - Elders Quorum President
Scott E. - Church Friend
Dan H. - Church Friend/Teacher
Missionary A
Missionary B
Bishop 1
Bishop 2
Bishop 3
Richard N. - Barber
Christina - Therapist
Eulis K. - Friend/Dated
Ian M. - 1 Date
Brandon B. - 1 Date
Haim A. - Dated
Matt M. - Dating... :) (12/23/08)
Random guy on I-15 near Yerbo, CA
And numerous Internet People in the Moho Blogosphere (I don't know all their names)
etc etc etc

Reading through this list, it's pretty amazing to me to see how in July this list was about 8-9 people.

(Updated last: 12/27/08)

You've come a long way, baby!

A New Blog

Well, I've gone and done it, mostly because I couldn't resist the amazing blog title that my position presents me with.

I'm a Mormon Homosexual living in North Hollywood. NoHo Moho! C'mon, you can't resist.

We'll see how this goes. I just wanted to get this out there.

Also, do you think MoHo in NoHo is a better name? Or do you like the NOHOMOHO? (Homo is in the middle, which I find funny.)