Lovesick

I took a trip east this last week. It was incredible. I visited Maine, Boston, and New York City. I ate amazing food, like good EAST COAST PIZZA tried wine, oysters, scallops, a whole fish, a shot. I saw my sister, my best friends, old acquaintances and haunts.

It was a bittersweet trip, the joy of the reunion, only to be met with the sorrow of departure soon after.

While in New York, I met up with Paul, who is this guy I met up with back in August. He's super sweet and thoughtful and hot, and he's into me back... so that's what makes it all the more frustrating that he has just started figuring out his sexuality. He's 29 and just testing the waters of his bisexuality, and so even if I did live close to him, there's a good chance it wouldn't work out properly. Sigh.

I need to just snap out of it.

But for the first time since coming out, the first time since Seth, I feel like I've met someone who excites me, who makes it hard for me to stop thinking about them. He makes me disinterested in searching for companionship elsewhere. Because I want to make it work with him.

But I'm not a fool—I understand that I'm just in love with the possibilities. I'm infatuated with his body. I'm sure there of plenty of guys who are not attractive to me who are better matches emotionally and spiritually and intellectually, but I never give them a chance because the attraction is not there... this whole thing is frustrating.

Anyway, I'll talk to you all more later,

Peace.

Going East!

I'm in a very good mood, because every passing minute brings me closer to Maine, Boston and New York City.

In the last 18 months, I haven't been further east than Salt Lake City. Considering that I spend almost all of my formidable years growing up in Maine, and went to College in Boston, Massachusetts, I deeply miss it.

It should be an interesting time. Most of these people have not seen me since I have come out of the closet, Most of them have not seen me 35 pounds lighter (I was 284 at graduation, and am currently 249!). Most of them have been moving forward with their lives, as have I.

I'm going to be visiting with the Bishop that saved my life, and probably discussing with him my having left the church. It will be awkward, I'm sure, but I love him too much to not share my life up to now with him.

I'm going to try and get a date with a guy who crushed on me when I was attending Emerson--I was closeted at the time, and now that I'm out and have learned of his interest, it should be fun, even if he lives in Boston and it may never come to anything.

I'm going to spend a night in NYC with a guy who I met a few weeks ago while he was visiting in LA. We hung out two weekends and really hit it off. I miss him, and really could see dating him long term, if only he wasn't in NYC... but if it is love, then no distance is insurmountable. So we'll see.

I'm going to visit Clark Johnsen while in NYC, a blogger who's comments I always appreciated. And I'll be able to add another blogger to my list of "Moho's I've met in real life" :)

As you can imagine, I won't be doing too much blogging whilst travelling. But then again, what else is new?

Love you all!

Some Great Advice From Craigslist

I found this on craigslist many months ago, and it's some of the most simple and good dating advice I've ever read. Who'd have thought? Mind you, easier said than done, but hey--you gotta try!

(this advice was originally given with reference to a girl, but I've gone through for convenience and changed it to a guy.)

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You need to cultivate and exude SELF-POSSESSION.

You must have the attitude that you know you're okay, desirable, etc, regardless of how anyone else responds to you. So, you do not NEED to get a positive response from anyone else. Not arrogant, just independent. This makes you cheerful and thankful.

You are free to show that you ENJOY other people and APPRECIATE them, because you are not afraid that they will reject you.

The natural attitude of a self-possessed winner is to be PLAYFUL.

This not only reflects your independent self-confidence, but also that you appreciate how fortunate you are, etc. Having a playful attitude is appealing to others, and it's an enjoyable way for you to go through your day - it's a victory in itself.

It might help you if you were to imagine how you might interact with a very desirable guy you just happened to meet out in public, if you were already deep into a great relationship with some other amazing guy, and there was no way you want to start dating this guy you just met.

Your mentality would be:

"This is probably the only time I will see this guy or talk to him, so the only thing to do is just enjoy these few minutes for the inherent reward of our little chat now. I don't want or need anything from this guy, because I'm already getting plenty of it from someone else. I can just enjoy this new guy's personality, his smile, etc, right now. No need to be impressive, no need to fear his disapproval of something I say, etc. I can just enjoy being myself, a happy guy who appreciates other people. Hmm, he's interesting, so I'll ask him about him - opinions, etc. If I just talk about me, I don't find out anything I didn't already know."

That's about it from me. Like I said, other responses were very helpful.

I hope mine is helpful to someone...

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I really like this advice--hopefully it helps you too.

Successful Weekend

Hey Friends,

So I thought I'd supplement today's meager entry in my "journal" series with more recent affairs.

Michael Jackon's death caused me to to rediscover his amazing music and I'd been listening to "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" and other hits practically non-stop. Well, Friday night I found myself done with work at 6pm. So I hit the gym, and pushed myself to do my "normal" 35 minutes on the elliptical. (I have yet to quit my 35 minute routine because I was tired--once I get going I just can't let myself stop--I'd feel like a huge failure if I did.) Then I hit the showers, (saw some hotties) then went home, grabbed some dinner found myself in front of the computer with nothing to do at about 8pm.

So I convinced myself that I needed to go out dancing. I needed to move my body. So I texted my straight girlfriend Liz, and asked her to be my date to Akbar, a gay bar in Silverlake. I got there, and we danced together from 11pm-2am! I had a grand old time, even if the DJ wasn't so good. He was playing a lot of Michael Jackson remixes that just decimated the dancing power of his music :( But we didn't care! At one point during the night, a heavy black guy and his lesbian friend started dancing with us, and Liz got swept away by the lesbian, and heavy black guy started grinding into my crotch and putting my hands on his ass.

It was fun to dance, but I was not attracted to this guy, so it wasn't as fun as it could have been--but I'll dance with anyone! I felt bad when he tried to pull me off of the dance floor and I didn't follow him, but that's what you have to do. Liz ended up requiring me to save her from the lesbian who started trying to give her a shoulder hickey!

There were a couple times during the night were I should have asked a couple guys to dance, but I was too chicken. I'm planning to keep going back, so I'm sure that'll come with time.

Anyway, the next day, I kicked butt running around town getting errands done--including getting my poster of Clue, a graduation gift from my dear friend Dan framed. It was a high quality reproduction, but I'm almost positive that I spent more money getting it framed than it was worth--but it looks SO CLASSY that it's totally worth it. It makes me so happy just to look at it. Thanks Dan!

I darted down to Santa Monica to hit up the beach with Danny, Jackie and Josh--6 dollars to park, and I found myself hoping around gleefully in the waves. Then of course, I got to lay out in the sun, and show off my new sunglasses and work on my tan.

That night, I went to a party and my Jackie's house, which was pretty meh, everyone was drinking and there were a lot of people I didn't know--and while normally that's fine, I was just too exhausted to play the part of social butterfly.

So first thing Sunday morning, I run out and do my laundry and clean my house, preparing for Damian's arrival, for date #3. It was was a good time. I cooked my famous spaghetti pie and we watched True Stories, and then sat on the couch and talked for several hours. He ended up being over for almost 7 hours, which was incredible, since we were basically talking.

He likes taking things slow, and that's okay with me. I'm not sure exactly what I feel about him. He's pretty good looking, and we have a lot of common interests, (we know and love almost all the same movies!) but I am not yet feeling that elusive chemistry. So for now I'm just letting things roll and see where they go. Hopefully if it ends up not working out, we'll still be friends, because he seems like a cool guy.

Though he can't swim and hates pools and the ocean--which is a huge problem, IMHO--But we're just gonna leave that one alone for now. This is what happens when you are raised in the deserts of Lancaster I suppose.

This morning I had my second session with Dr. Tony. I really like him, and I really like that he's a gay man--when he speaks about gay issues, he uses "we" to describe them, which helps remind me that he's been there or that it's not a unique and/or insurmountable problem. I wish it didn't cost so much, but until I pay down my insurance deductible, that's just how it's going to have to be.

Anyway, that's what's going on with me lately. Hope everyone is doing well. Oh, and a special shout out to my recent blog hits coming from The Westin Hotel in San Francisco and NASA!

Affirmation Young Adult Cornerstone

Canyon and I will be attending the 1st ever Affirmation Young Adult Cornerstone Conference in San Francisco, CA on July 17th and 18th (Fri/Sat). It's $20. Check it out if you can, it'd be awesome to see some familiar faces there. You never know what could happen!

Saying "No Thanks"

I don't like leading anyone on--but it's easy for me to do, because I'm such a friendly guy and my politeness and conversation is often interpreted incorrectly to mean I'd be interested in being more than just friends.

Well, there's a gay mormon guy who lives in CA, who messaged me because we have a mutual friend.  He doesn't blog, and I've never met him.   To make a long story short he expressed that he thought I was attractive and he wanted to "get to know me better".

This is where I get annoyed.  First off, we've never even met--and he IS getting to know me better, because we've chatted a couple times.  But either way, I am friends with him on Facebook, so I know what he looks like and I can tell you I don't find him in the least bit physically attractive.  Personality wise, it really isn't much better--our conversations have been skin deep at best, and rather than continuing to get to know me, he insinuates he'd like to date me.

So I tell him straight up that I'd be happy to get to know him better, but that I don't find him attractive.  He basically flips out and starts speaking monosyllabically and ending every sentence with "?????" For example "Wow????" and "Can't find the words dude !!!!!"

Now I know I've lamented the lack of a boyfriend on this blog before--but that does NOT mean I'll just settle and accept the first guy that comes along with interest.  I work 50-70 hours a week, I don't have time to date people who do NOTHING for me either intellectually or physically.  I hate that I get treated like a bad guy for being forthright.  But that's how I feel--he wrote me this friggin' e-mail that was practically incoherent

I did not know how to react to you after what you said but i don't hold any hard feelings towards you. you like me have the right to have passionate feeling toward someone.to be honest i wanted to go off on you part of me did but if you take everything that people say personal then you hurt yourself a little.but i know that their nothing wrong with me i know that someday someone will want to get close to me and have feeling towards me.so i don't hold any hard feelings when you have been hurt like i have since i came out you tend to take things a little harder then others.i believe in love trust and respect treating other right and being treated right i don't ask people to love me or to like me just treat me as you would want yourself treated.so i am still up for getting to know you that's no problem with true intentions on both sides we can do this.

I would appreciate it if someone could help me understand what this even means...  All I know is that it further proves that this person is not right for me just in how they chose to react to honesty.

And one more thing--I don't care if this makes me sound like a colossal prick, but I couldn't deal with someone routinely drops words from his sentences and letters from his words (Examples: 2nd sentence: missing "s" on feeling; 3rd sentence "ly" missing from personal; 4th sentence "their" should be "there is"; 5th sentence "s" missing from feeling again; 7th sentence "other" needs to read "others" or "other people"; and of course the missing space between each new sentence, the complete absence of commas, and the complete absence of capitalization)

Now that you all think I'm a huge douche for being so picky about spelling and punctuation, let me just say this to you--It's important to me that someone be able to communicate clearly--I don't even know what to make of this message.  I wrote him back, and got and even MORE confusing message, this time it was twice as long.

But my favorite is this "i don't ask people to love me or to like me just treat me as you would want yourself treated."  I did just that--I want people to be HONEST with me, not lead me on, fuck around with my brain or play games.  So I think he would be happy to know that I treated him exactly as I'd like to be treated.

Speaking as someone who is obese (this person seemed a lot heavier than me, btw), I know I'm judged by my looks all time time--but I refuse to use that phony line that seems to be very popular with people who don't take care of themselves (I have been one of them)--it's always a rewording of that "it's not what's on the outside that counts" cliche.  This is how it was worded to me in the second e-mail:

i have been hurt by some many guys out there but when the hits come when someone thinks i am not the right size or look it may singe for abit but i walk it off because i am better then those who only see what they want to see i am not saying that looks make a big deal to you but i don't let that define me i let my heart define me looks are cool i agree but its what a man or any person holds on the inside that matter to me

Ugh.  Why does that idea seem to be only held by ugly or fat people, hmm?  OF COURSE what's on the inside counts.  It's BOTH.  You need both!!!  I know I used to think that way before I realized if I just took better care of myself, (IE, eat right and exercise) people WOULD find me attractive.  It's because it's easier to believe this "feel good" line about looks not mattering and to keep telling yourself that everyone is just too shallow to appreciate the you that's on the "inside" instead of doing the hard work and getting to the gym and eating right and getting in shape--I've been working at it for less than a year, and I've lost 30 pounds--it's not easy, but I know it has to be done--for myself, if not for anyone else.

I don't even know if I should post this--it's got quite a bit more venom and vituperation than I expected when I started out.

I guess I'll extend the question to you, kind readers--should I have gone on a date with this person?  (though I've now gone from ambivalence to completely turned off)  What would you have done?  Am I a mega-sized asshole for even writing this down?

Self Perception

So I actually think I look pretty good--and people have often told me I'm handsome. But I don't believe them, and I really don't believe myself.  This probably stems from the (in my mind, logical) obvious conclusion that I'm single and hot people aren't single (at least not for long).  Of course looks are only one part of a person's ability to get a guy--personality is huge, but thats not what this post is about.

Last weekend, the TV campaign I was working on provided us with free t-shirts for the film.  They only had up to XL, and I always buy XXL shirts.  But I tried on this XL shirt (it was black and form fitting) and the girl who works as edit assist said "Ezra, you look really good in that shirt, you should wear t-shirts more often!"

It was a surprising revelation.  I have shied away from t-shirts, favoring plaid button downs instead, as I am required to wear collared shirts for work.   I always thought that t-shirts made my man-boobs look more obvious and therefore, ugly.  But I've lost 30 pounds since last May, and I'm still wearing the same clothes and dressing the same as I did then!

On my date with Ben last weekend (which was okay, but we both agreed we're not a good match) he said that he didn't have a type--it could be anyone so long as they're not fat or ugly.  I laughed and I said "There's obviously something wrong with your vision, you're on a date with me!"

He smiled and said "You're not fat, you're chubby".

I'VE BEEN DOWNGRADED!!! LOL.  I'm still very much clinically obese, (BMI=34.6) but at the same time, I think carry my weight very well.

Lastly, my therapist told me that she thinks I have a style and that I just haven't developed it for myself yet.

So this last Saturday I went shopping for some new clothes.  I've never even set foot into a store like Aeropostale before--I'd never have fit into anything there one year ago.  But now, I was easily able to find clothes that fit and looked great! See the two outfits I got below:

Left, Macys; Right, Aeropostale.

I bought "skinny" jeans!  Not spray on jeans, mind you, but jeans that fit snugly around my legs--and I looked damn good, and my roommate's girlfriend and many folks on Facebook agreed!

That night I went down to West Hollywood, (AKA Gay Mecca) for my friend Spencer's going away bash.  As I parked my car and walked down Santa Monica Blvd in the outfit on the left (my skinny jeans and black shirt with patches and rolled up sleeves) I couldn't help but feel good.  As I passed a restaurant patio, several guys were clearly glancing my way!  Even if they didn't look for long, the point was that they were noticing me at all!  This is not something I'm used to by any means!

Basically, I'm feeling much better about my self image, and I've really enjoyed finding new clothes that work well for me.  I've committed to buying a few things every other week or so to build a better, cuter wardrobe... I like looking good, and though I'm far from a fashionista, I'm finding that I do like the way a good outfit makes me feel.

Do clothes make the man?  Or do they just help accent the wonderful man that's already within each of us?  Some may call it vain, but couldn't you say the same thing about the Mormon Temple?  It's made with the highest quality materials, and prominently displayed because it is God's house.   And my body is a temple, right?

Anyway, I suppose the whole purpose of this post was to show off how good I'm looking and feeling lately--sorry for being a bit self-serving.

I love you all and can't wait to see you when I get to Salt Lake for the next Moho Party!

A Super Gay Sunday

So here's my long version of my teaser post from monday.

I'm been working A LOT this past week or so, (yesterday I worked 19 hours!) so I've let blogging fall by the way-side.  It also doesn't help that I don't have internet at home--though now that I think about it I could have written a post offline and then brought it in to work to post instead.

But I have some downtime while I'm waiting for a tape, so here's the deal on what I'm calling my "Super Gay Sunday".

The day started off with me waking and making a "Funfetti" cake for my roommate's girlfriend.  It was her 22nd birthday, and I wanted to do something nice for her, to dispel any remaining idea that I don't like her or don't approve of her.  Early on in their relationship, I think I was a bit stand-offish because they seemed to me to be a bad match... but with time I've come around to see that they actually are a great couple.

In addition to the cake, I went to the grocery store and bought a bushel of balloons.  While the girl filled them, she asked me "are these for a boy or a girl?" which I like to think was a creative way of asking me if I was gay--so I told her the story about my roommate's girlfriend, and that as a gay man I don't have a girl, or a guy, for that matter, to give balloons too.  She was really friendly and assured me that it just takes time.  She seemed suprised that I was only 22...

Anyway, while the cake baked, I wrote to a strictly platonic craigslist ad for a guy looking for a "witty, dry sense of humor conversationalist".  I thought that was intriguing, so I e-mailed, and we sent a few messages back and forth, before it was time for me to head down to Lawndale CA for my lunch with Spencer.  So I asked him to call me while I drove, and he did.

So we talked about this that and the other until I got to Lawndale.  An enjoyable time, but I had to say goodbye when I arrived at Spencer's house.

Most of you know, from my post "Another Amazing Happenstance" that Spencer is the guy I met on OKcupid who's best friend caused me so much angst when he rejected my invitation to get to know me.

Well, after essentially standing him up this Tuesday because I got stuck at work, I readily agreed to reschedule our meet-up for a Sunday lunch.

Now, a funny thing about Spencer is that he's 6'8".  Now, I know this, and was fully expecting tall--but when I knocked on his door (not realizing that there was a step up to get into the front door) and he answered, I was literally taken aback.  He was a good 14 inches higher than me as a result of the extra step... it was pretty crazy.

Anyway, after the initial surprise wore off, we headed towards Hermosa Pier, and decided on a Greek Tapas place.  SO GOOD.  We ordered a bunch of little dishes and ate and talked.  Spencer is so much like me it's not even funny.  I observed the language that he used, the playful and friendly manner in which he addressed the waitstaff, and was just happy.  He playfully chided me for standing him up, and at one point said "Jesus Christ" and then said "I should have said Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints", directly referencing one of my initial reasons for writing him in the first place.  His memory of the little details made me happy--he made me feel like he was glad to be spending time with me--I was certainly happy to be spending time with him.

I'd brought along a rather challenging puzzle-based Geocache for us to do after dinner. (Click the link if you wanna see what I mean--it's a puzzle requiring you to solve a number grid and then use the solution as your "road map"--looping you around through "senic" Lawndale, CA).  Spencer apparently loves puzzles, so he was very excited to solve it.  This made me happy, because so many people are sort of blase about Geocaching, and it's something I think is totally awesome.

The bummer part of this story is that he's moving to Sacramento in mid-may, and so the whole time we're hanging out, I realize that there's a good chance I'll never see him again.

The cache is in this picture... can you spot it?

The cache is that pipe of conduit bolted the the pole!!!  It was so cool I was practically giddy with delight.  I hope I didn't seem crazy--but I was thrilled!

Well, I dropped Spencer off at home so he could get to work.  I drove home, thinking about the fun time I'd just had, and bumming out that it wouldn't happen again, most likely, before the move.

So in an attempt to distract myself from loneliness, I called the craigslist guy and asked if he wanted to hang out and maybe go to a park and walk around or something.  So I picked him up and we went to Woodley Park and visited the Sepulveda Dam. (below)

This dam is awesome, and since it's for flood control, it's always a blast to visit and run up the dry spillways.  Stephen was a nice enough kid, but there wasn't any chemistry, and the difference in how I felt and spoke around him and how I felt and spoke around Spencer was like night and day.

So I dropped Stephen back at home after the park, fully intending to never speak to him again, because with my extremely limited free time, I've got people who I care about a lot more (like friends) than to hang out with someone I'm "meh" about.

Anyway, I got home and decided to call my friend Brandon B, who is the first guy I ever dated. (Granted it was just a coffee date.) and asked if he wanted to grab dinner.  He obliged, and we met at Bossa Nova on Sunset Blvd.  We chatted and caught up, and somehow he suggested that we go to WeHo together and visit a gay club--so we did!  Now granted, we went very tame, and it was a Sunday night, but all told, it was a very interesting experience to see men in such numbers holding, kissing, laughing and talking.  I mostly just stood chatting with Brandon and absorbing the vibe.

Oh, and a forty year old drunk man talked to me and Brandon for a while, extending the generous but undesired offer of his cock to suck.  He also groped my man boob and kissed my neck.  Suprisingly, I was not threatened by this, and was more amused than anything else.

Anyway, I finally took that step and got over that fear, and it wasn't a big deal.  I also had a sip of Vodka Tonic, when Brandon offered me to taste.  It tasted like NyQuil... there was little temptation to drink more.

That night, after all visiting the clubs, I returned to my home at 2am, overly weary (big mistake) for the intense week we had ahead of us at work.  But I hoped online and found that Spencer had invited me to his going away party in WeHo in a couple weeks.  Well, it made me glad that I'd gone to get over the fear so that I can say yes to his invitation.

The other funny thing, is that Spencer's friend Brandon, the editor friend, who I blogged about getting rejected by in my "Creepy Stalker" post, will be there... so he'll get to see exactly how awesome of a guy he ignored!

Anyway, today's been super hard, so I'm going to pass out--I've had a cap of NyQuil and I'm hoping that this is coherant when I read it back tomorrow.

Oh, and I have a date for this weekend.  He seems nice, and pretty cute, but not sure if he'll be my type---more on that when it goes down. Night!

Helpful Tips for Dating Returned Missionaries (Repost)

Troy Williams Posted this amazing article that makes some great points about the frustration behind being gay and mormon. I have reposted the first few paragraphs with permission, but I highly recommend reading the whole article.

"Last week my roommate came bursting through the front door, “What is it with gay men hung up on Mormonism!?” Ah. I could only assume the obvious. He was experiencing the frustration of dating a guy still trying to reconcile his faith and sexuality. “I think its fear,” he continued. “That and privilege” I responded. “Mormon men have been told since childhood that they are the elect of the earth. Coming out as a big nelly fag stripped them of their divine birthright. The trauma is just now sinking in.” Yup. As Mormon men we were once the first of the first class citizens – but now, suddenly, through a quirk of desire, we have been stripped of our chosen status. Saturday’s Warriors have become Friday Night Infidels.

Gay LDS men have a seemingly more difficult time getting over the Church than gay Mormon women. Within their theology and culture, women have always played a subservient role in both Church and household. The stigma associated with being a lesbian isn’t so different from being ranked below a man in all other sectors of society.

This point came home after I read an interview with the African-American author James Baldwin. Richard Goldstein from the Village Voice asked Baldwin why white men seemed more outraged over homophobia than black men. Baldwin responded, “[As a white gay] you’re placed outside a certain safety to which you think you were born. A black gay person is already menaced and marked because he or she is black… I think white gay people feel cheated because they were born into a society where they were supposed to feel safe… Their reaction seems to me in direct proportion to the sense of being cheated of the advantages that accrue to white people in society.” (Homocons; Goldstein, p. 32)"

See the whole article here.

I know it's not the in-depth follow up/update post that you've been eagerly waiting for, but I feel like our moho community would enjoy Mr. Williams blog.

And There's The Problem...

So it's official. I'm not gay enough.

I'm in the Castro blogging from my phone. A little while ago I had lunch at a little restaurant here called "home". They had an amazing meatloaf sandwich that knocked my socks off. But I digress.

When I got my check, I asked my (gay) waiter what I should do or what was a must see. He directed my that if I as going up towards this one area that there were a bunch of bars and strips clubs "like I think there's a Hustler strip club up there.". Yeah then I directly asked what to see and do in re Castro and I got told to check out the Castro theater because they show classic films.

So even in the heart of the Castro people don't even ask if I'm gay because it's apparenty not even in doubt. Now granted, I realize that maybe he just wanted to air on the safe side, assuming that straight people can get offended when their sexuality is questioned, and many gay men would be merely amused or flattered by the assumption that on is straight. But still.

I do not feel like I fit in in any community anymore. I'm pretty much done with
Mormonism and I'm still not comfortable with myself and don't identify with the gay community. I feel sick to my stomach.

Anyway, Mortified is tonight and if I'm lucky someone will invite me out with their group so I don't feel like a total loner lamo.

I feel like in many ways I like the person I was when I was in the closet a lot better. I feel less confident and more reserved an shy than ever. Sigh whatever I just am really lost.

Another Amazing Happenstance

So my life is very odd--coincidences happen to me all the time, and once again I've found myself privileged to be be a victim of happenstance.

Some of you may recall a recent post in which I spoke of my growing stalker tendencies. This post was a result of being ignored by another guy on OKcupid.

Well, about two weeks later, I was "matched" by the "Quiver Match" system to a guy named Spencer. I decided to write him based primarily on his use of the phrase "Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" as an exclamation in one section of his profile.  I mentioned that I thought it was funny, probably because I had been raised LDS.

Well, he wrote back inquiring about my experience with the Mormon Church, and whether my departure had been dramatic and sudden or more of a drifting away. He also mentioned seeing a one man show about an ex-Mormon. I responded and told him it was pretty sudden on the outside, but very gradual inside, and that the show to which he was referring was probably either "Confessions of a Mormon Boy" or "Missionary Position" by Steven Fales. I provided him a link my blog, specifically the post about Missionary Position, and extend the invitation for him to read more to get a better idea of my journey.

Anyway, to make a long story short (too late), we get to talking. And he casually asks me,

"What was the name of the guy you were stalking, the editor in NoHo?"

"His name was Brandon, I think."

"He's my best friend." 

Uh oh.

"But I won't tell!"

Sigh of relief.

Except he did tell him. He mentioned to Brandon that "there's this blog I'm reading that you should check out--but don't be surprised if some of it seems familiar"

Yeah, so I have had both of these fellows reading my blog. Hi guys! Is the gay community really that small? I guess so. At least the gay editing community--that's me, Brandon and Clint so far!

Anyway, I don't really care that he told Brandon about this blog, I'm sure he was amused to learn how his inaction caused my angst-written blog post, and that's dandy.

I've continued to converse with Spencer, and he's a really awesome guy who I have great conversations with. I look forward to our chats and it aggravates me to know that he's moving to Sacramento in a month, because I feel like he could be a really good friend, and I don't feel like I have any really close gay friends. :(

So what continues to bother me is that these two guys are close friends, and undoubtedly have a lot in common and get along really well. So chances are, if I'm getting along well with one, I'd probably get along well with the other. So it makes it all the more damning to think that there's cool gay people who could potentially be awesome friends with me right in my own section of LA, and yet I remain not merely boyfriendless, but "gay best friendless". :(

WTFIWTBS?!?!

WTF

I'm sitting in the business center at the Tenaya Lodge in Fish Camp, CA.

And I'm suprised and angry.

I'm happy to be here, and think I'll have a dandy time--but there's a lot of heavy stuff on my mind right now.

I've really upset someone. Part of me feels bad, and the other part of me says "fuck you and get off your high horse". I feel like I was trying to be a good friend and apparently was an asshole or something. Basically, now I'm angry too, at least for now. I am angry because I sincerly sought reconciliation and was greated with more passive-aggressive behavior.

Truth is, I don't need that bullshit in my life, and I don't like that it came from someone I hardly know. But why did it affect me so? For now I'm putting them off of my radar--it's the only thing I can think to do.

Secondly, here I am in one of the most Beautiful places in a comfortable Lodge--all alone.

It is getting me more depressed by the second. This type of thing should never have to be done this way. There is some snow on the ground up here. The lobby has a fire place. If only I had a boyfriend who I could snuggle with on the couch while watching the fire burn, or playing a board game.

I know I'm young and lucky to be where I am, but all my success and acheivements are trivial in contrast to my solitude.

**WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT**

I'm starting to scare myself again.

I feel like I'm getting more desperate and reckless as time goes by. Friday night I invited a guy over that I'd dated back around Christmas. He was kind of cute but not my type, especially personality wise. But I found myself asking him to come over and spend the night--knowing full well that there would be heavy petting involved.

He somehow didn't end up making it, and in hind-sight I'm thankful--I'm know I'm better than that.

Yet, when I realized he wasn't coming, I started browsing Craigslist, thinking about how easy it would be to get a hook up or a blow job. I stared at a post for a nearby glory hole for what seemed like 15 minutes, thinking about responding.

"I'd never even have to see the person"--it would just be a mouth, a tool for masturbation.

I didn't respond, of course. I masturbated--twice--and went to bed.

It's unsettling to me, because I know how badly I want a honest, meaningful relationship with someone who makes my heart race, who I always want to be around, who "gets" me. I want someone who turns me on, who gets turned on by me, who I can kiss and cuddle and hold and suck and fuck and make love and hold hands and massage. Who will let me run my hands around their waist and draw them in close.

I've only crushed once, and nothing has felt even remotely close since. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not programmed right. I can't elaborate on this tonight, as my brain is too fried from driving 4+ hours to Yosemite.

But seriously, when do I get to fall in love? :/

I'm so tired and so lonely.

I'll try to post more tomorrow night, and give you all an update on how my first day at Yosemite goes.

P.S. I'm planning to visit the local LDS church tomorrow morning, though I'm not 100% sure I can go through with it. Or WHY I am planning to do it.

I'm A Stalker

So I'm turning into my roommate. (Well, at least how he used to be before he finally got a girlfriend.)

I say this because I'm an internet stalker.  I'm on OKcupid, and I got a "quiver" match (basically people the computer suggests you message) with a guy who lives in North Hollywood and works as an editor.  He's pretty cute, too.

So I messaged him, telling him that I, too, am an editor living in Noho, and that I was looking to make new friends, date, network, etc and asked if he wanted to hang out.  Nothing too overt, but just a nice message inviting him to grab a drink.

He received my message and looked at my profile this morning--no response.  Granted, he may have been on his way out the door and not had time to respond, but generally if the person you write to views your profile and doesn't respond, you'll never hear from them.

So rather than letting it go and moving on with my life, I get depressed, once again asking myself "why am I so easy to dismiss, and so easy to ignore?"  I mean, am I the ONLY person who actually wants to make gay friends as he seeks out a boyfriend?  I'm not (just) trying to get into your pants!  I'm cool with networking and making another gay friend in my section of the industry!

So I start using information from his cupid profile to find him on Facebook.  Sure enough, there he is--and because of his privacy settings allowing people in his network (Los Angeles, CA) to see all his information, I found out what company he works for (one my company deals with from time to time) and so it just irks me all the more to think I'm dismissible because I'm unattractive.  He doesn't want to "waste his time" to even get to know me.

To make matters a bit worse, I had a great chat last night with a wonderful guy who I'd really love to take on a date, but lives to far away and probably has no interest.

SIGH.

There's a lot on my mind, but I feel like in needs to be stretched out over several posts, to avoid mixing topics and creating confusion.

The point is that I am disturbing myself because I'm so lonely that I stalk people I don't know. :(

Dr. Hypocrisy OR How I Learned To Quit Feeling Bad About Ignoring Someone

It's a long title for a relatively simple post.

Basically, it used to bother me when people would ignore my messages on OKcupid.  It would bring me down, making me think "God, am I really that ugly/fat/uninteresting that I can't even talk to you and be your friend"?

But today, someone actually messaged me first, and I have zero physical attraction to this person.  They aren't ugly, they seem like they might be nice, but all the same, I'm just not interested in giving up any of my valuable time to someone I don't even have an inkling of desire for in the first place.  And while in theory I want new friends, the reality is I barely get to see the friends I already have... and who wants a friend who secretly wants to be your lover anyway?  It's just awkward.

Granted, this makes me realize that is the same thought process went through the minds of the hundreds (maybe not hundreds, but dozens) of guys who I've messaged that ignore me, and that kind of hurts, but why?

I don't want someone's pity or charity.  I want them to truly be interested in me for who I am.

From now on, I choose to be glad when I'm ignored.  Because if someone politely but vaguely responds, my lonely self automatically goes into hyper-boyfriend-seek-and-destroy mode and I start imagining things that just aren't there, and it always ends up in disappointment.

So I am glad this person messaged me, and I wish I could tell them why without sounding like a dick.  But it's true--he has helped me to be more accepting of rejection.

Weird how things go like that, huh?

Dear [You]

[You] are the only person I ever got excited about.
I used to ride my bike 8 miles just so I could drop in and say I was "in the neighborhood".
And I was excited to do it.

The first time [You] held me my heart fluttered, raced. My awkwardness gave way to comfort as minutes gave way to hours. You gently touched my face, softly exploring me, getting to know the terrain with your touch.

I've never been in love--the closest to it was [You]. Your smile, your body, your attitude all made me want to change to become more for you--to make you feel the same way about me as I felt about [You].

But I didn't, and I won't, and I can't. I know I shouldn't change, I need to find someone who really likes me for me. But I'll be damned if I don't think about [You] whenever I'm alone, even now.

I've dated several guys since you, and none have come close to the wonder and simple joy I felt just innocently holding your body against mine.

If there was something I could do to win [You] back, I'd do it in heart beat.

But you can't win back what you never really had...

I miss [You].

//apologies to Chedner for using his [Him] concept//

The Depths Of Confusion

If I could express to you the level of personal dismay and confusion I feel, I would probably have a book deal, because it would take the eloquence of someone like Thoreau or Hemingway to convey the thoughts I've got bouncing around in my head.

This weekend, I'm planning to hit "send" on an e-mail that I've drafted (the first part was written almost 4 months ago, and finished Sunday night.) to my mother.  It's my coming out e-mail, and she's really the last person who really matters to me who doesn't know.

Big deal, right?  You've already come out to everyone else, you're no longer living a lie, you've already been out of the church proper since September, so what?

I've been thinking something really scary and horrible and it frightens me almost as much as the realization and fear of being gay--that maybe I'm bisexual/straight.

If I were to venture a guess, I'm probably a 4 on the Kinsey Scale, "Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual".  Without getting into too much detail, since I've "come out" and had some experience with male physical intimacy, I've found that I'm EXTREMELY picky when it comes to who I find attractive.  So what? 

Well, I can't look past the physical--I am extremely shallow for being a fat ass who's lucky to get anyone giving him the time of day.  The guys I'm interested in are all white, clean cut and slender.  I guess you could say I like twinks, though I don't really go for labels.  I don't like effeminate guys, but I don't like overly "masc" guys either... I guess I just want someone like me--a nice guy who doesn't know anything about sports, but doesn't have an obsession with pop stars like Beyonce (not that there is anything wrong with either).  So there's this tiny tiny window of what I'm actually attracted to, and everyone else I could care less about.

Well, when I've been in physical moments with guys I've dated, each time my desire for their physical body decreases very quickly, because they aren't what I'm looking for.  But I've probably got this "ideal" guy in my head that I'll never get or find, and so I'll never be able to have it... how is that different from trying to live in celibacy in the gospel?  I don't know.

The thing is, I don't know how to explain this without sounding perverse or rude. Frankly Mohos never seem to mention the sexual aspects of their attraction, (because we're all Mormon, and that stuff is taboo even in the hetero world).  

So if discussing gay sex is a bit uncomfortable for you, I'd advise moving on to the next blog where everything is talked about euphemistically, if at all.

I don't desire cock.  At least not the way it seems most (non-religious) gay people do.   For example, if  you're a red-blooded hetero male and you see a nice pair of breasts on someone whose face is "meh", you might still desire those luscious melons.  Well, when I'm in the gym and I see a nice penis, it doesn't arouse me, and I don't desire to play with it or anything like that.

I don't fantasize about giving or getting anal sex.  I don't get aroused at the thought of giving a blowjob--although getting one? Sure, but then again, most men, straight or gay enjoy getting one.

I am not disgusted or repulsed by women.  I could easily keep it up for a woman and probably have a fun roll in the hay--but I don't admire women in the same way.

Lately I've been feeling decidedly sexually ambivalent, and somewhat confused about it.  The fear lies in that if I'm bisexual, or even remotely hetero, then couldn't it be possible that I could someday find a woman I really love, physically and emotionally, and then live the path that the Mormon Church proscribes?  It's why I'm terrified of coming out publicly--once you're "out of the closet" it's basically impossible to go back on your word.

My roommate's girlfriend confided in him that she "doesn't think I'm really gay".  She has a lot of gay friends, both flamboyant and "straight-acting", and it bothers me that she could think that in a way.  My older sister also questioned me when I came out, saying that maybe I was Bi--all her best friends are gay, and she just couldn't believe it.

I'm rambling now.  I know this is all retarded--of course I'm gay.  I watch gay pornography, I date men, I abandoned my church and am venturing into the unknown, with only my fellow bloggers for a community now.  But it scares the hell out of me to think that if maybe I am changing, or healing, or was just confused--or if I'm bi, then that means I can "choose" to find a woman over a man, and live a "normal" Mormon life with a wife and kids.

I know that I'm just scared and confused and that the reason I don't feel much physical desire for men is because I've not found a man whom I'm attracted to both physically and intellectually, and I know that I need that--my sexual desire spawns from a desire to make the person I care about feel good, and to show my love for them--not because I'm all hot for cock.

Bah, sorry for this post.  I realize it's a terribly disorganized jumble of angst and confusion, but I suppose that's the only way to convey how mixed up I feel.  I've started to write three posts in the last three days but I never finish them, so I just jumbled them all together and got them out the door for you.

I suppose I'll be sending that e-mail late tonight... wish me luck. 

Have a great weekend.

Christmas and the Good News

I first opened myself up to the possibility of actually dating a guy back in the first week of September. At the suggestion of my roommate, I created a profile on a dating site, and started messaging.

Sadly, I was almost universally ignored. It was saddening because I had finally allowed myself to try, and I was facing rejection after rejection. I'd been alone so long that I wanted desperately to have someone to give all my love to, to say sweet nothings to. And finally I was open to it, but I couldn't find anyone.

At least anyone that I liked back.

I went on dates with several different guys, grabbing a bite or watching a movie and snuggling on the couch. It was wonderful to have some male intimacy in my life, but I always shut them down after a date or two because of lack of --je ne sais pas, of chemistry. And the last thing I want is to lead someone on in order to fufill my own desire for companionship, that's really low.

So months have passed, sending message after message, being ignored and generally beginning to think that being out and open was almost the same as being in the closet.

But on Sunday I got a message from a new guy, and I'm very optimistic about it. I'm trying to take it slow, but he seems attracted to me, and I think he's cute for many reasons. It's somewhat frustrating because I met this guy right before leaving the state for essentially two weeks. Argh.

Whilst here in Utah for Christmas, I fully intend to reveal my sexuality to my little sister. She'll be the last sibling brought into the know, but only because I haven't seen her in person since I started coming to terms with myself.

Anyway, to all my fellow Mohos--closeted and out, married and single, devout and ex-mormon, I wish you the happiest of Holidays and a very Merry Christmas. You all deserve it, and I love you so much for the guidance and love I receive from you.

God Bless Us, Everyone!