My Mothers Visit / Mortified San Francisco

The first weekend in December, my mother flew out to LA to drive with me up to San Francisco for my Mortified performances there. I had not seen her in 18 months or so, and as a result I was a but unsettled. This would be the first time that she'd seen me as an out (done) and proud (working on it) gay man. This would be the first time that she'd seen me 40 pounds lighter. This would be the first time she'd seen me as a fully self-sufficient man.

It would be the first time she was really seeing me.

And so when I busted my hump to get from Hollywood to LAX during rush hour, you can imagine my frustration when she wasn't waiting for me on the curb. I called her, but her phone was off. Convinced that she'd sequestered herself inside the terminal, I was forced to park and go in after her.

She wasn't inside, either. I asked the Virgin America ticketing agent if she'd boarded the flight. When I was informed that she never boarded, my mind immediately went to the macabre. Certainly no one could be so inconsiderate as to have missed their flight and not called to say they'd be on the next one, so she must be dead on the side of the highway. It didn't take me long to get hysterical. I'd had such a hard week... I'd taken two sick days with a 103 fever earlier in the week, and I was looking forward to having mother come and "make it all better".

To make a long story short (too late), my mother had boarded the next flight. At this point, I lost it. I exited the terminal, screamed, returned to my car, screamed again, and called my friend Liz and cried my eyes out sitting against my car in an LAX parking garage.

I've always loved both of my parents, and I'm grateful for them. But so often it seems that I have to be the adult, the responsible one. Now, in fairness, my mother did say she tried texting me, but I guess she didn't actually send it or something--I've never gotten a text from her before, so I can imagine this might be true. But regardless, my whole life I've been as responsible and mature as possible, acting as my own adult in my life. For crying out loud, my father dumped me from his health insurance when I graduated college... that was essentially my graduation present.

For once in my life I feel like I want to be immature, to do stupid things that I know won't work, to be wreckless, do what feels good, and learn the hard way. I've always carefully considered the options, taken calculated risks, never attempted anything I wasn't pretty sure I could manage.

This blog entry is rapidly spinning out of control. I'm no longer sure exactly what this is about, or even if I should publish it. My mother reads this blog, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I think my mother is very strong, and is doing the best she can. She needs to learn to forgive herself and realize that she is lovable, and deserves love.

I guess I need to learn that too.

Going to Mortified in San Francisco was a good experience for us both. I got to be me in front of my mother, and have a room full of strangers affirm me and the great job she did as a mother, raising a wonderful son. But how much of it is going to sink in? People were wanting to meet her after the performance, to tell her how proud she must be.

And I think she was proud. She is proud of me and loves me. And in that regard, I just might be the luckiest guy in the world. My life is filled with people who love me and support my identity and my happiness.

Here's my mom and me down by the Embarcadero, with the bay bridge in the background.

It's strange to watch your parents age, and to realize that they aren't going to live forever. I think that was something I realized while on this trip—while I will always be her little boy—I'm a man now, and we're all changing and growing simultaneously. As a kid, your parents seem frozen in time, unchanging pillars for you to rely on. Part of my journey into adulthood has been realizing that when my parents started our family, they were my age—young, ignorant kids trying to figure the world out, and find a portion of happiness along the way.

Forgiving them for their mistakes is easy now, because when I stand and think about how I would fare with a young family right now, I can't honestly say I'd do any better.

I'm grateful for the family that I have, and for the things I've learned so far on my sojourn.

Since the vast majority of my readers live thousands of miles away from me, it's unlikely that any of you will ever be able to attend my Mortified Performance. Which is why I set a camera up on my little table at The Makeout Room (the venue in San Francisco) and taped this video. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy performing it.

Also, this multimedia piece was done by [X]press: Check it out!

I love you all, and leave you with this adorable pic of me and my mother.

Moho Halloween!

As many of you know, I went to Salt Lake City and visited with all my moho blogger friends. It was so wonderful and I had some great experiences.

Most of you were at the party, and know it was a nice time with lots of socialization and some great costumes. It was a really good time, but many of my readers were there, so I'm going to skip to the "after party" if you will... haha!

After the Moho party and Scott's house, Canyon, his friend C. and I went to this club in SLC to get a drink and dance a bit. It seems a little weird to think about gay bars in Salt Lake City, but I'm glad they exist—the immediate difference I noticed was that this place was practically empty, whereas on halloween night gay bars in LA are twice as packed as normal!

We went to the bar, and the 'tender said all they serve is beer (probably a result of SLC's ridiculous liquor laws). Canyon hates beer, and our very attentive bartender offered to make us "samples" of different beers with juice mixed in. So we took him up on the offer, and he made us three samples. I tried the first one, which tasted like cranberry juice. He told me it was called "Cranberry Summer Breeze" (which he said with a playful lisp) and I laughed, it was actually really good--cranberry juice, soda water and michelob. So I got that. There were two others, one with OJ and another with Lemonade (Canyon got the lemonade one, which was humorously entitled "Lemon Especiale" I gave him a good tip, and we went out to the patio to get away from the music and talk some.

Now, a patio in November (it was technically novemeber at this point) in SLC is not very warm. So we were not super comfortable, but it was the only way to have a conversation. So we talked for a while, and this guy in a tunic, who appears to be working for the bar comes over and checks on us, and he seems to be hitting on me, touching my shoulder, talking to me more than the others... it was nice. He wasn't exactly my type, but it's always nice to get hit on (which never happens in LA)

Another bartender was dressed like a Swat Team style police officer (complete with REAL taser) and we talked to him for quite a bit--he was really cute and very friendly. I was just taken aback at how much friendlier everyone seemed the whole night!

After we finished our drinks and went inside to dance for a bit, I ended up dancing with this guy in red strapless dress with a blonde wig who called himself "Alexis"--I couldn't figure out if he was just being cute to complete a costume for halloween, or if he really was a cross dresser. He was cute, and very friendly and we talked a bit during some of the dancing, as the club was getting emptier and emptier... near the end it was just me, Canyon and Alexis on the dance floor "they're all just so intimidated by us" I quipped.

So Alexis took off, and I was going into exhaustion since I was going on about 22 hours being awake (and traveling, which is always tiring.) and so we were heading out. But we stopped to ask one of the other employees who was sweeping up (he was also in a tunic) is it was true that they showed "Glee" here on Wednesday nights. He confirmed it, then turned to me and said "Can I rub your belly?"

I just about lost it laughing.

"Sure" I said, and he started rubbing my belly and said "That's hot". I asked him if he liked chubby guys and he said yeah. So I gave him a hug and told him that if I wasn't sharing a room with three other people that night, I'm might have taken him home with me.

Anyway, we went home (The three of us were all crashing at Scott's house) and just as I was about to finally get in bed and rest, I reached for the lamp in the basement where I was sleeping, and knocked it over in the dark. The moment between when I knocked it and it hitting the ground is vivid. I blurted out "OH MY GOD" at full volume, which was punctuated by a resounding CRASH as the glass around the lamp shattered all accross the basement floor (and me in stocking feet).

Needless to say, I basically woke up the entire household. The Alan Westermark and his son (both in from San Diego with an early morning departure) were awoken, as was Sarah. I was so embarressed, and not because I broke the lamp, but because it was 3am and I'd just woken everyone up after a very very long day. Sigh.

Everyone was very cool, C. helped me quietly clean up the glass in the dark (I only got cut once!) and then we talked quietly before hitting the hay.

The next day, I was picked up by Marcus and he took me to Brunch with a bunch of people from the party. Robert, Brandon, Michael R., Michael W., McKay, and, Marcus and I went to Market Street Grille, and I had my first Mojito. It was actually really good, I enjoyed it.

After that we went geocaching which was fun, and then we went back to the Michael's apartment and played Catch Phrase. I napped for a while, and then we made dinner (Just me and the two Michaels, as others had to leave)

All the guys made me feel so welcome in Salt Lake. It almost makes me want to move up there so I can be a full time part of this awesome gang. Sadly, I don't think that's reason enough—I've got to build Moho Zion right here in LA!

So that was essentially my trip. A lot of fun. I'm sorry if I rambled on incessantly with every mundane detail, but I really enjoyed myself, and figured I'd share with you.

I'm really excited for the next two months--this is a great time of year (aside from the darkness) because it's so busy and I can keep myself distracted from how much I want a boyfriend! HAHA.

Also, stay tuned for an important post tomorrow...

Can't Seem To Shake My Faith

Last night, I drove out to Camarillo, planning to meet this guy and hookup with him. He told me to get off at the Lewis Exit and be there at 9:30pm. So I was running late, and I got there at 9:40pm, worried that I was late.

I texted him, and he told me "b there in 5 minutes" ten minutes passes.

I text again "sorry, dropping a drunk friend off" twenty minutes pass.

I'm getting frustrated.

I text again saying "you're a really bad time estimator, lol" He responded "Sorry, didn't know I was going to end up designated driver and having to drop 4 people off". So now it's four people? WTF. So I wait some more, and finally I say "it's been 40 minutes dude, what's going on"

He finally says he's home, and I ask him for the address. A few minutes pass, and he finally texts it to me. So I drive over, park, and text him. 5 minutes pass. I text "Dude, I don't have time for this, where are you?" He said he was changing out of his suit... and then added "I'm doing the best I can and if you're going to have an attitude you should go home".

So I did.

I'm actually proud of myself that I value myself and my time enough not to allow a stranger to jerk me around like that for over an hour. I wish I'd done it sooner, but the point is I did it... so I never even saw him. Even though I was on his doorstep. I'm really glad I didn't. My time is valuable, and I'm a good guy who not only can get better, but deserves better.

So I drove home, and actually felt pretty great. I'd boosted my self esteem because I'd valued myself enough not to just have sex with someone I was angry with and didn't respect me or my time.

I was so far from home, and I figured I should do SOMETHING to be productive with my trip, and there was this place called "Lake Eleanor Open Space" in Thousand Oaks that I wanted to check out. So I got off the freeway and went there—but I quickly realized it was all fenced off, and I wasn't going to get to skinny dip in a moonlit lake—not that I would of, it was too windy and cool.

I was about to get back on the freeway, and I saw a 65 year old man thumbing for a ride with a bunch of books under his arm.

I stopped and picked him up.

He was headed to LA, and had missed the last bus back to the city after a class that he was attending. The poor guy didn't even have a jacket, and with the wind it was probably about 40 degrees.

He mentioned several times that I was an answer to a prayer... and it made me wonder if maybe the whole experience was to get me out there to help this man out when he needed it.

It's thrown me for a bit of a loop. No matter how hard I try to ignore my faith, when things like that happen, I think of how God must be directing me, guiding me to help others and enrich lives. Remarkable, isn't it?

Lovesick

I took a trip east this last week. It was incredible. I visited Maine, Boston, and New York City. I ate amazing food, like good EAST COAST PIZZA tried wine, oysters, scallops, a whole fish, a shot. I saw my sister, my best friends, old acquaintances and haunts.

It was a bittersweet trip, the joy of the reunion, only to be met with the sorrow of departure soon after.

While in New York, I met up with Paul, who is this guy I met up with back in August. He's super sweet and thoughtful and hot, and he's into me back... so that's what makes it all the more frustrating that he has just started figuring out his sexuality. He's 29 and just testing the waters of his bisexuality, and so even if I did live close to him, there's a good chance it wouldn't work out properly. Sigh.

I need to just snap out of it.

But for the first time since coming out, the first time since Seth, I feel like I've met someone who excites me, who makes it hard for me to stop thinking about them. He makes me disinterested in searching for companionship elsewhere. Because I want to make it work with him.

But I'm not a fool—I understand that I'm just in love with the possibilities. I'm infatuated with his body. I'm sure there of plenty of guys who are not attractive to me who are better matches emotionally and spiritually and intellectually, but I never give them a chance because the attraction is not there... this whole thing is frustrating.

Anyway, I'll talk to you all more later,

Peace.

Adventures In Geocaching - Yosemite National Park

Take a look at my latest video creation... maybe I'll make another episode while I'm on the east coast! (I wouldn't hold your breath for it, though.)

Leave a comment here or on the YouTube page! Or Both!

Going East!

I'm in a very good mood, because every passing minute brings me closer to Maine, Boston and New York City.

In the last 18 months, I haven't been further east than Salt Lake City. Considering that I spend almost all of my formidable years growing up in Maine, and went to College in Boston, Massachusetts, I deeply miss it.

It should be an interesting time. Most of these people have not seen me since I have come out of the closet, Most of them have not seen me 35 pounds lighter (I was 284 at graduation, and am currently 249!). Most of them have been moving forward with their lives, as have I.

I'm going to be visiting with the Bishop that saved my life, and probably discussing with him my having left the church. It will be awkward, I'm sure, but I love him too much to not share my life up to now with him.

I'm going to try and get a date with a guy who crushed on me when I was attending Emerson--I was closeted at the time, and now that I'm out and have learned of his interest, it should be fun, even if he lives in Boston and it may never come to anything.

I'm going to spend a night in NYC with a guy who I met a few weeks ago while he was visiting in LA. We hung out two weekends and really hit it off. I miss him, and really could see dating him long term, if only he wasn't in NYC... but if it is love, then no distance is insurmountable. So we'll see.

I'm going to visit Clark Johnsen while in NYC, a blogger who's comments I always appreciated. And I'll be able to add another blogger to my list of "Moho's I've met in real life" :)

As you can imagine, I won't be doing too much blogging whilst travelling. But then again, what else is new?

Love you all!