Moho Halloween!

As many of you know, I went to Salt Lake City and visited with all my moho blogger friends. It was so wonderful and I had some great experiences.

Most of you were at the party, and know it was a nice time with lots of socialization and some great costumes. It was a really good time, but many of my readers were there, so I'm going to skip to the "after party" if you will... haha!

After the Moho party and Scott's house, Canyon, his friend C. and I went to this club in SLC to get a drink and dance a bit. It seems a little weird to think about gay bars in Salt Lake City, but I'm glad they exist—the immediate difference I noticed was that this place was practically empty, whereas on halloween night gay bars in LA are twice as packed as normal!

We went to the bar, and the 'tender said all they serve is beer (probably a result of SLC's ridiculous liquor laws). Canyon hates beer, and our very attentive bartender offered to make us "samples" of different beers with juice mixed in. So we took him up on the offer, and he made us three samples. I tried the first one, which tasted like cranberry juice. He told me it was called "Cranberry Summer Breeze" (which he said with a playful lisp) and I laughed, it was actually really good--cranberry juice, soda water and michelob. So I got that. There were two others, one with OJ and another with Lemonade (Canyon got the lemonade one, which was humorously entitled "Lemon Especiale" I gave him a good tip, and we went out to the patio to get away from the music and talk some.

Now, a patio in November (it was technically novemeber at this point) in SLC is not very warm. So we were not super comfortable, but it was the only way to have a conversation. So we talked for a while, and this guy in a tunic, who appears to be working for the bar comes over and checks on us, and he seems to be hitting on me, touching my shoulder, talking to me more than the others... it was nice. He wasn't exactly my type, but it's always nice to get hit on (which never happens in LA)

Another bartender was dressed like a Swat Team style police officer (complete with REAL taser) and we talked to him for quite a bit--he was really cute and very friendly. I was just taken aback at how much friendlier everyone seemed the whole night!

After we finished our drinks and went inside to dance for a bit, I ended up dancing with this guy in red strapless dress with a blonde wig who called himself "Alexis"--I couldn't figure out if he was just being cute to complete a costume for halloween, or if he really was a cross dresser. He was cute, and very friendly and we talked a bit during some of the dancing, as the club was getting emptier and emptier... near the end it was just me, Canyon and Alexis on the dance floor "they're all just so intimidated by us" I quipped.

So Alexis took off, and I was going into exhaustion since I was going on about 22 hours being awake (and traveling, which is always tiring.) and so we were heading out. But we stopped to ask one of the other employees who was sweeping up (he was also in a tunic) is it was true that they showed "Glee" here on Wednesday nights. He confirmed it, then turned to me and said "Can I rub your belly?"

I just about lost it laughing.

"Sure" I said, and he started rubbing my belly and said "That's hot". I asked him if he liked chubby guys and he said yeah. So I gave him a hug and told him that if I wasn't sharing a room with three other people that night, I'm might have taken him home with me.

Anyway, we went home (The three of us were all crashing at Scott's house) and just as I was about to finally get in bed and rest, I reached for the lamp in the basement where I was sleeping, and knocked it over in the dark. The moment between when I knocked it and it hitting the ground is vivid. I blurted out "OH MY GOD" at full volume, which was punctuated by a resounding CRASH as the glass around the lamp shattered all accross the basement floor (and me in stocking feet).

Needless to say, I basically woke up the entire household. The Alan Westermark and his son (both in from San Diego with an early morning departure) were awoken, as was Sarah. I was so embarressed, and not because I broke the lamp, but because it was 3am and I'd just woken everyone up after a very very long day. Sigh.

Everyone was very cool, C. helped me quietly clean up the glass in the dark (I only got cut once!) and then we talked quietly before hitting the hay.

The next day, I was picked up by Marcus and he took me to Brunch with a bunch of people from the party. Robert, Brandon, Michael R., Michael W., McKay, and, Marcus and I went to Market Street Grille, and I had my first Mojito. It was actually really good, I enjoyed it.

After that we went geocaching which was fun, and then we went back to the Michael's apartment and played Catch Phrase. I napped for a while, and then we made dinner (Just me and the two Michaels, as others had to leave)

All the guys made me feel so welcome in Salt Lake. It almost makes me want to move up there so I can be a full time part of this awesome gang. Sadly, I don't think that's reason enough—I've got to build Moho Zion right here in LA!

So that was essentially my trip. A lot of fun. I'm sorry if I rambled on incessantly with every mundane detail, but I really enjoyed myself, and figured I'd share with you.

I'm really excited for the next two months--this is a great time of year (aside from the darkness) because it's so busy and I can keep myself distracted from how much I want a boyfriend! HAHA.

Also, stay tuned for an important post tomorrow...

In Just One Year...

From the latest Affirmation Newsletter:

Who would have thought a year ago, or even a few weeks ago for that matter, that by the time we got to Pride Month, 2009, that the following statements would be true?

Dick Cheney has come out as more publicly supportive of marriage equality than Barack Obama.1

Iowa is now more gay-affirming than California.2

More people in the United States are afraid or distrustful of Mormons than of gay people.3

1. Dick Cheney came out this month in favor of full marriage equality; Barack Obama has said that he is in favor of the legal benefits of marriage, but not of calling our relationships “marriage.”

2. Iowa is one of six states (with more coming) that now has full marriage equality. The California Supreme Court has now overturned that state’s marriage equality law, creating three legal classes of citizens in California: straight people, who can marry each other (one man and one woman at a time) at will, 18,000 same-gender couples married in 2008, who are married to their present spouse (but who are not permitted to remarry in the event of death or divorce), and the rest of California’s citizens who are not permitted to marry.

3. A Washington Post article on May 29, cites a poll showing that “more people in the United States harbor apprehensions about Mormons than about homosexuality.” The article goes on to state that 80% of Americans know or work with a gay person, 48% know or work with a Mormon.

4. This is what the post is about.

Flying To Friends: A Weekend Of Mohos and Flight Woes

I decided several months ago to book tickets to Salt Lake City for the May Moho Party. And as I landed in Phoenix, AZ after the first leg of my journey, I saw this sight:

I watch the patchwork farms
Slow fade into the ocean's arms
Calm down, release your cares
The stale taste of recycled air

The Postal Service - Recycled Air

It was an epic journey to say the least. When I landed, I was blessed with a visit from Austin. We sat in the classy Phoenix International Airport and discussed the drama and the joy in each others lives. From crazy haters chatting him up on his blog, to the troubles with his boyfriend's coming out to his family, to our perspectives of what it means to be Mormon and gay. A delightful time. My only complaint was that it was too short of a visit. I have a feeling we'll get to cross paths again, though. Before I went back through security, we snapped this pic:

If only I had realized that I'd be in the airport another 3 hours, I would have asked him to stay longer. Or maybe gone somewhere. It went down like this: I went back through security, and headed toward the gate indicated on my boarding pass. When I got there, I found that they'd moved the plane to the gate at THE EXTREME OTHER END OF THE ENTIRE TERMINAL!  I checked the signage and found that my flight was "On Time" and hustled the 2/3rds of a mile or so (thank goodness for moving walkways) to the new gate.  Upon arriving, I settle into the waiting area, only to realize that I've been called to the counter--everyone has been called to the counter--to receive a new boarding pass and a 10 dollar meal voucher, as our flight has been cancelled due to mechanical failure. The next flight wouldn't be leaving until 8:15, which meant that I was now scheduled to arrive in SLC at 11pm. The party would be drawing to a close by the time I arrived. Frustration and anger welled up inside of me. And rather than recap these feelings, I'll merely provide you with this link to the stream of conscience writing that I did after I finally boarded the plan.

CAUTION--READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED--OBSCENITIES AND BLASPHEMY THAT YOU CAN'T BELIEVE ARE WITHIN THIS DOCUMENT.

Well, I finally arrived and while waiting for Scott to pick me up, I spotted a guy who I thought was gay from when we boarded in Salt Lake, and he and I were alone on the platform waiting together, and I still kick myself for not just starting a conversation.  I need be be less of a coward--why shouldn't I just struck up a conversation with a cute boy, even if he is straight and/or I'll never see him again?  It's practice! Anyway, the party was fantastic.  I met some people for the first time, and some old friends were reunited.  My day had been so sour prior to that party, but when I walked in the door I felt like the Fonz "HEEEEEY!" And was immediately happy.  Special thanks to all those people who waited until I got their before leaving--especially Clint.  His blog was the first one that really spoke to me, and it was so well written, not to mention our common background in media production.  We became fast friends, and I was so happy that he waited for me.  Hugs were administered.  Smiles were shared, and conversation, though painfully brief, was delightful.  Sadly, he left not 10 minutes after my arrival.  I had so many other new friends there though, the sadness didn't hit me until the next morning.

Before I left, I snapped this picture of the greatest couple--our gracious hosts, Scott and Sarah.

The next morning as I watched "Were The World Mine" (excellent film, I'll buy it--I already have the soundtrack) I got a little sad. As I played scrabble with the kids, I felt increasingly depressed. As I drove to the airport with Scott, I questioned him about how he felt watching a movie like that--didn't it make him ill? It made me ill thinking about him--having detrimental side effects to his life no matter what he does. He answered my questions--he's such a wonderful man and Sarah is such a wonderful woman. Their strength makes me feel so inadequate.

I was doing a lousy job of holding by my tears as I wished Scott a goodbye. Hugged once--then twice. Told him how much I loved him and his family. I turned away and walked inside, and started bawling.

I'm sure I was a sight to see. The perky TSA agent who checked my ticket didn't bat an eye, and for that I was grateful. Her concern would have turned my muffled tears into an outright wail. Even now I'm not 100% sure why I cried. I felt so tumultuous inside, I felt despair at leaving such dear friends behind that I'd shared mere minutes with. I felt the weight of decisions not mine to make, and the fear and trepidation of consequences not yet meted out. I cried because I have so much love in my life and my path is so easy. It seems that I must be an incredibly weak soul, for God to provide me with so many blessings and so few trials--knowing just how little I would be able to handle.

I learned that Clint was departing from the same Terminal and Concourse as I, and so I was delighted to find that I got another 40 minutes to hang out with him before going home. He could see my tears and I felt no shame in them... but I think I did a piss-poor job of explaining them. When surrounded by strangers, it's hard to have a conversation about what you're feeling.

I got a picture of my friend before I boarded:

And as I sailed away into the sky, I saw the otherworldly appearance of the great Salt Lake--and the illusion it created that we were already miles above the earth, when we'd actually taken off moments earlier.

Why have I been blessed?
Why do I deserve this?
Who will ever love me?
Will I ever know with a surety that my path is good?

And I closed my eyes and leaned back, and tried to understand.

The Airport Pickup

Seinfeld says that the airport pickup is the most important indicator of friendship.

That being said, if I booked a flight to Scott's moho party on May 30th, and arrived mid-day on May 30th, or late Friday the 29th, who would be able to grab me from the Salt Lake airport and bring me to the party?

And who would be willing to put up with me--er, I mean, put me up for the night?

Let me know! I'd really appreciate getting all this figured out before I book tickets, and the longer I wait, the higher the prices get!

Oh, and I still have some good lengthy updates coming, including a brief review of "In Quiet Desperation".  Stay tuned!

19 Months Ago... June 28th, 2007

I haven't blogged in a while, and maybe because I don't have that much to say.  So instead I'll be opening up a journal entry from 19 months ago.  It is almost uncomfortable.

6/28/07
Dear Journal,

I’m not sure yet. This could be the day that you start making real progress towards heterosexuality—or it could be a day where you’ll look back and regret it. Today I told my Dad that I am struggling with same-sex attraction.  Homosexuality.

I honestly can’t believe that I told him. I bought this book on Amazon.com called “Coming Out Straight” by Richard Cohen, and I think it has helped me realize that I may have a chance to change. According to the book, there are many factors that can lead someone into SSA. I have a lot of them, and it really hit home.

When I told Dad, I cried and muttered along, trying to talk through the tears, and we held hands, he just let me get it all out before even speaking, and then he thanked me for trusting him enough to talk to him.

Then we stood and hugged, and I cried on his shoulder as he held me. I sobbed into his chest for a long time, but it wasn’t enough. Richard Cohen was right—touch/attachment therapy between father and son is important. I never wanted to let go. I’ve probably not cried in the presence of my father for 10 years. I’ve probably not been held like that since I was a child and it felt good, like I finally had a Dad. I’m not cured, and I’m not healed, but if anyone can help me, it’s probably him, since he’s the cause (direct or indirect) of most of these potential factors. He’s also good at emotional healing work. So maybe, with God’s help, the Bishop, Evergreen, myself, maybe D. H. (if I get the courage to ask him to help) I might be able to melt the pain in my heart that has caused these attractions. I’m scared of what is ahead, but I am grateful to be moving away from the darkness and into the light. There is SO much work to be done—I have such low self-esteem and confidence around men, poor body image, fear of women, inadequacy issues and who knows what else is hiding in my subconscious.

It’s funny. I have been asking God for a friend for the last few weeks, projecting developing a healthy friendship with someone, and maybe I’m supposed to heal and become friends with myself and my Dad. Could be?

There are so many thoughts whirling around in my head. Dad says he will do whatever he can to support me, maybe he can. We may do hormonal therapy, flower essences, emotional healing, and who knows what else. I want to become a real man with confidence, self-worth, and respect, and a deep belief that I am a child of God and he loves me as I am—I don’t have to please anyone else.

Dad says he loves me and wants me to know that I shouldn’t feel guilty for the way I feel. And that he feels change is possible, though even if I stay a homosexual, I’d still have his love and support and it wouldn’t change a thing between us.

I really wish I knew what he’s been thinking about all day. Is he even thinking about it?  I want to cry in his arms again.

I feel alone again.

Mom does not know and probably will not know about it until I am done with it (or close to it.)
I love my Mom, but I know (or at least I think I know) that her maturity level is not sufficient to be able to handle that kind of news appropriately. She’d get upset and cry and try to “pray the gay away”. But I already know that doesn’t work.

Sarah would be of the belief that I cannot change it and should accept it, and I’m not sure what Katie and David would think of it. Most of my friends feel the same way about SSA (that you can’t change it). I refuse to accept this because I know God places no burden upon us that we cannot carry—and I can’t carry these thoughts and feelings anymore.

Nothing has even been done yet, but already I have fears and doubts about this. Will the pain and suffering I dredge up be effective and heal me? Or will I be a more well-adjusted homosexual?

All of these fears and frustrations (sexual and mental) are being stacked on top of the lonely-ness of being here in the desert without any friends. Stacked on top of the boring, unfulfilling work I do, the hours of editing crappy footage for J. S.  Stacked on top of my inability to settle or be happy with a film idea and move forward in pre-production. Stacked on top of my concerns about money.

Welcome to adulthood, Ezra.

I need love and I need to get in touch with a very angry little boy who needs healing. I’m looking for a positive, happy relationship. Dad, I need your help. Help me. Help me. Feel me, touch me, heal me.

Sorry if that’s nonsense, I just felt like trying that.
So God, here’s a list (which isn’t all inclusive nor necessarily complete) of experiences I’d like to have and relationships I want.

-I want to have a family. As much as it is scary, because of my current feelings of inadequacy, I still want to experience the joys (and pains) of fatherhood. Please let me be a good father to a few of your spirit children, heavenly father. I would do my best to rear them in love and respect, with a firm foundation that I will never judge them and they can always talk to me.

An important part of this is to have a wife who loves me for who I really am. A woman who is physically attractive would be a wonderful experience, and if she could be supportive of me and the family, creative and spontaneous, a good homemaker, I will have to think more about this as I’ve never given this much thought.  If she is not Mormon I need to come to terms with marrying outside the church, but preferably she should be Mormon.  If the love is strong and the woman can accept me even having not gone on a mission, she should be smart and sound minded, but also be in touch with the guidance of the spirit so we can impart good wisdom and love to our kids.

God, I know thou can do anything, and that thou doest it on your timetable and as I further identify what I truly would like to experience in this life you will provide me with strength and understanding (of others and myself.) I realize I have a lot of forgiving of myself to do, and healing with my family, and I ask for special help with this as I have a tendency to worry and feel afraid and hold onto pain and punish myself for slipping up when I should just repent, forgive myself and move on. Thank you. I ask these blessings in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

This entry almost makes the me of 2009 uncomfortable.

Excitement and Apprehension - Hand-wringing in the New Year

In about 2 hours I begin my 4 hour drive up to the valley of the Great Salt Lake to attend Scott's New Years Moho party/get-together/shindig/bash/hurrah.

Yesterday, I left LA at 6pm, after a long day at work.  I fought valiantly against the rest of Los Angeles, whose taillights formed a red serpent that slithered towards Sin City.   Climbing the mountain and crossing the desert, the winter cold whistled at the window.   My cracked ipod screen prohibits me from listening to my music in any order except alphabetical by artist,  and so I was unable to think straight.  Exhausted and spent much more quickly than usual, my general pattern of driving thrown off by the excess traffic and the morons who insist on driving in the fast lane 10 mph underneath the speed limit (which is about 20 mph underneath the general flow of traffic), I had to stop, nap, and take night photography.

The photo at the right was taken at about 10pm, 8 second exposure, ISO 80, F-3.1 at a ranch exit in California.  Could it be a metaphor for my life?  The road I want to take is unavailable to me...?

I thought I might not make it.  I wondered why I was driving 700 miles.  Spending hundreds of dollars in lost wages from taking extra days off, gas, and food.  What was I doing?  I don't know any of these people!  I read their words on the screen and I hear of their struggles, but I don't know them.  And they don't know me.  What do I expect from this?  What do I want?  What am I nervous about?

I've been thinking about this a lot.  On the one hand I have been super excited about this party since I realized I would actually be able to attend.  The chance to meet a group of people who know what I've been going through, who know the framework of my thoughts, the struggle that it causes, and the crippling indecision that it creates.

When I was still in the closet, I used to subconsciously deny my sexuality by process of comparison.  I had a perception of the elements that made a homosexual, and by process of simple A+B=C, I concluded that if "that" was gay, and "that" certainly wasn't me, then I wasn't gay.

But I now know that there are all kinds of gay men, and I see the blogosphere as the only community I somewhat identify with.  But even there I sometimes feel like an outsider.  Most of the blogs I enjoy reading the most seem to be of good men who are continuing to stay in the church, even if they want a boyfriend or are pursuing a relationship.  For me, as fallout from the Prop 8 battle in California, I lost my testimony.

I lost my testimony.

I've never written or said that before.  But I think it's true.  Am I really a Moho?  I don't know.  But being gay didn't make me lose my faith.  I lost my faith when the things the church taught me my whole life were thrown out the window, and I chose to follow my heart, my conscience.  And sadly, since the church doesn't really allow personal interpretations, I had to leave, lest my faith be constantly questioned by doting members.  I couldn't make it work.  I was tired of trying.  All I can really say these days is that if I'm wrong, and I won't be returning to the kingdom of heaven, at least I'll be in good company.  My father, older sister and brother will all be there... so much for families together forever, I guess.

I closing, I'm very nervous about how this evening will go.  Will I be loved, welcomed and accepted?  Will I make lasting, life-long friends?  Will I learn something about myself?  Will God show me the path I should follow?

Or will it just be another year of "I don't knows".

See you when I see you.  Goodnight.