I haven't blogged in a while, and maybe because I don't have that much to say. So instead I'll be opening up a journal entry from 19 months ago. It is almost uncomfortable.
Dear Journal,
I’m not sure yet. This could be the day that you start making real progress towards heterosexuality—or it could be a day where you’ll look back and regret it. Today I told my Dad that I am struggling with same-sex attraction. Homosexuality.
I honestly can’t believe that I told him. I bought this book on Amazon.com called “Coming Out Straight” by Richard Cohen, and I think it has helped me realize that I may have a chance to change. According to the book, there are many factors that can lead someone into SSA. I have a lot of them, and it really hit home.
When I told Dad, I cried and muttered along, trying to talk through the tears, and we held hands, he just let me get it all out before even speaking, and then he thanked me for trusting him enough to talk to him.
Then we stood and hugged, and I cried on his shoulder as he held me. I sobbed into his chest for a long time, but it wasn’t enough. Richard Cohen was right—touch/attachment therapy between father and son is important. I never wanted to let go. I’ve probably not cried in the presence of my father for 10 years. I’ve probably not been held like that since I was a child and it felt good, like I finally had a Dad. I’m not cured, and I’m not healed, but if anyone can help me, it’s probably him, since he’s the cause (direct or indirect) of most of these potential factors. He’s also good at emotional healing work. So maybe, with God’s help, the Bishop, Evergreen, myself, maybe D. H. (if I get the courage to ask him to help) I might be able to melt the pain in my heart that has caused these attractions. I’m scared of what is ahead, but I am grateful to be moving away from the darkness and into the light. There is SO much work to be done—I have such low self-esteem and confidence around men, poor body image, fear of women, inadequacy issues and who knows what else is hiding in my subconscious.
It’s funny. I have been asking God for a friend for the last few weeks, projecting developing a healthy friendship with someone, and maybe I’m supposed to heal and become friends with myself and my Dad. Could be?
There are so many thoughts whirling around in my head. Dad says he will do whatever he can to support me, maybe he can. We may do hormonal therapy, flower essences, emotional healing, and who knows what else. I want to become a real man with confidence, self-worth, and respect, and a deep belief that I am a child of God and he loves me as I am—I don’t have to please anyone else.
Dad says he loves me and wants me to know that I shouldn’t feel guilty for the way I feel. And that he feels change is possible, though even if I stay a homosexual, I’d still have his love and support and it wouldn’t change a thing between us.
I really wish I knew what he’s been thinking about all day. Is he even thinking about it? I want to cry in his arms again.
I feel alone again.
Mom does not know and probably will not know about it until I am done with it (or close to it.)
I love my Mom, but I know (or at least I think I know) that her maturity level is not sufficient to be able to handle that kind of news appropriately. She’d get upset and cry and try to “pray the gay away”. But I already know that doesn’t work.
Sarah would be of the belief that I cannot change it and should accept it, and I’m not sure what Katie and David would think of it. Most of my friends feel the same way about SSA (that you can’t change it). I refuse to accept this because I know God places no burden upon us that we cannot carry—and I can’t carry these thoughts and feelings anymore.
Nothing has even been done yet, but already I have fears and doubts about this. Will the pain and suffering I dredge up be effective and heal me? Or will I be a more well-adjusted homosexual?
All of these fears and frustrations (sexual and mental) are being stacked on top of the lonely-ness of being here in the desert without any friends. Stacked on top of the boring, unfulfilling work I do, the hours of editing crappy footage for J. S. Stacked on top of my inability to settle or be happy with a film idea and move forward in pre-production. Stacked on top of my concerns about money.
Welcome to adulthood, Ezra.
I need love and I need to get in touch with a very angry little boy who needs healing. I’m looking for a positive, happy relationship. Dad, I need your help. Help me. Help me. Feel me, touch me, heal me.
Sorry if that’s nonsense, I just felt like trying that.
So God, here’s a list (which isn’t all inclusive nor necessarily complete) of experiences I’d like to have and relationships I want.
-I want to have a family. As much as it is scary, because of my current feelings of inadequacy, I still want to experience the joys (and pains) of fatherhood. Please let me be a good father to a few of your spirit children, heavenly father. I would do my best to rear them in love and respect, with a firm foundation that I will never judge them and they can always talk to me.
An important part of this is to have a wife who loves me for who I really am. A woman who is physically attractive would be a wonderful experience, and if she could be supportive of me and the family, creative and spontaneous, a good homemaker, I will have to think more about this as I’ve never given this much thought. If she is not Mormon I need to come to terms with marrying outside the church, but preferably she should be Mormon. If the love is strong and the woman can accept me even having not gone on a mission, she should be smart and sound minded, but also be in touch with the guidance of the spirit so we can impart good wisdom and love to our kids.
God, I know thou can do anything, and that thou doest it on your timetable and as I further identify what I truly would like to experience in this life you will provide me with strength and understanding (of others and myself.) I realize I have a lot of forgiving of myself to do, and healing with my family, and I ask for special help with this as I have a tendency to worry and feel afraid and hold onto pain and punish myself for slipping up when I should just repent, forgive myself and move on. Thank you. I ask these blessings in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
This entry almost makes the me of 2009 uncomfortable.
Dear Ezra,
ReplyDeleteOften my old journal entries make me uncomfortable also. It's interesting to see how the process of history changes us, and in which ways. We generally grow into a greater acceptance of ourselves as we do of others.
Peace,
G
WOW. I am SOOO amazed by this entry. I feel like I could have written it. I especially connected with this... from where I stand now I think its a very poignant thought here:
ReplyDelete"Will the pain and suffering I dredge up be effective and heal me? Or will I be a more well-adjusted homosexual?"
As I went through the near 5 years of therapy, (I also did EMDR, flower essences, even a Shamanic Soul Retrieval), I just became more and more aware that I was perfect just as I am. It is crazy now to look back at how tightly I was holding on to the concept of my own emotional illness. I did need to heal, thats for sure, but NOT of my homosexuality. Of my own ignorance, self-loathing, and the years of incorrect indoctrination YES.
I think its a beautiful completion for you to post this. Awesome.
The next thing to delve into - is why this truly makes you uncomfortable? Could it be that you have grown to accept yourself as a homosexual but know that the feelings you wrote down so many months ago ring true on some levels while at the same time seem so contradictory? I can't say much for flower essences helping you - but perhaps somewhere deep inside you feel that your desires for having a family and being "normal" - as incredibly useless as that word is nowadays - still exist - as impossible as that result may seem. That somewhere deep inside- you think change is possible.
ReplyDeleteMany of your friends think change is impossible, but this friend tends to think it is, and that without question it will be the most difficult thing you will ever do. If you shared this journal entry with me the day you wrote it I would say this then and now - you don't need God or flower essences to solve this heartache- time, a support system, exploration, most importantly growth in areas you've never given or been granted a chance to explore.
I think you've made huge strides as a person since June 2007. Your image for starters - I know it's slow go, but you've lost a lot of weight - looking better every week. In addition to losing weight, you've lost a lot of fear. You are much more open and willing to express what you feel, and way less self loathing. You stopped going to that crazy church too. That's just the tip of the ice berg.
Unfortunately, if change is ever to occur - it will take an incredible amount of determination, persistence, and an open mind. And as you know - change will happen only if you want it. And clearly this is a big duh - but this change isn't for your family, friends, or God - this change is for where you want to be in 20 years. Everyone will love you and support you just the same if you decide to get hitched with some dude. If that's what makes you happy - all the power within the state of California to you, but if you want the joy of creating another human being someday - and trust me - we need more of your type in this retarded world - I want you to know it's possible to discover the joys of a woman.
Whatever you do though - if you decided to never pursue women - if you decided to be a monk - if you decided to be alone and watch 40 hrs of alien porn a week - it really doesn't matter to me as long as you work to the full potential of who you want to be - no one else's standard - nor God's.