Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
1.) I love my name and honestly can't imagine ever being called anything but Ezra Horne.
2.) I was a contestant on the Price is Right in 2008, and I won a week-long getaway to a lodge in Yosemite National Park.
3.) I've never been in a serious relationship.
4.) Whenever I'm stopped at a light, I often check out who's behind me in the review mirror and speculate about them.
5.) I've helped Jeff Probst (Survivor) and Gilles Marini (Sex and the City Movie) cheat at Scrabble against Seth Green (Robot Chicken) and Skeet Ulrich (Jericho) at a Charity Event.
6.) I didn't stop wetting the bed until I was 8 or 9.
7.) I've dressed in drag for at least two different plays.
8.) Though I love California and the good changes it's helped me to realize in my life, I miss New England a lot.
9.) When I walk by a homeless person on the street, I make sure I don't adjust my path--I want them to know that I don't fear them, and want them to think I'm not thinking less of them by acting as if they are infected. Though often I really am uncomfortable.
10.) I have an addictive personality.
11.) My mother doesn't like the Beatles, and I think that explains why I only really started to hear Beatles a lot when I got out of the house.
12.) I weighed 283 pounds at this time last year. I now am fluctuating around 263-266.
13.) My obesity causes me to feel undesirable, so much so that it overshadows my knowledge that I'm a really good guy with a lot to offer.
14.) I feel that In-N-Out Burger makes up for the fact that Pizza in Los Angeles is Sub-par.
15.) Secretly I want to be a stage actor again.
16.) In most situations when I'm bored, I will sing to myself, and I worry that it makes people afraid to approach me, and makes me seem crazy--but I hate holding the song inside.
17.) My office at work has a terrific view of the Hollywood Sign, but most of the time it's behind a blackout curtain. Whenever I look out at it though, I feel a little bit better about being where I am.
18.) When I was in Boy Scouts, I never advanced beyond the rank of Tenderfoot, though I was in the program for a good 3 years or more. Mostly because I didn't care about badges and rank--I just liked camping and hanging out with my friends.
19.) The prospect of going to a club is of zero interest for me, and mostly because I'm incredibly self conscious about my weight and lack of coordination.
20.) ...which is why I find sports and dancing to be incredibly scary. (Square dancing excepted.)
21.) I know how to square-dance.
22.) My siblings are the best I could ever ask for and I can't imagine life without them.
23.) I've owned 3 cars, and never paid more than 1,200 dollars for one of them.
24.) I scored a 1290 on my SATs, and part of me wanted to take it again because I knew I could break 1300, but I hated the test so much I said "it's good enough".
25.) I've lived in five different states: California, Massachusetts, Maine, Virginia and Utah. I consider Maine to be my "home state" and California will probably be the place I live the longest.
Hope you enjoyed that, it was rather difficult to come up with all those! Hope everyone is having a fantastic day.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I know some might be wondering what kind of follow-up e-mails I might have received from my mother. Since there has been a little back and forth, I'm just going to contextualize and share some highlights.
I did not respond to her initial message, since she had said "more to come". So eventually, on Monday the 19th, she wrote back [excerpt]:
I am sorry that you had to wait so long, and I feel I must have failed you in some way that you couldn't tell me sooner. I am sorry I didn't earn your faith and trust. I'm not perfect either!
Have you told your dad? Sarah? David? Katie? My mom? etc? You didn't say not to say anything, but I haven't and won't until you say it's ok. It's your life to decide who know and who doesn't. But I'd like to know... not that I'm going to call or write to any of them and 'talk' about you... but sometimes something like that comes up in a conversation, you know..'
And then there is [My seminary teacher] She's going to be devastated. She told me how she felt she'd be held accountable if she accepted Brandon [Her gay son] the way he is- which I guess is gay from what she said. But I don't agree, you raise up your children as best you can, and then they make their own choices, or go their own way, and you love them even if they become an ax murderer. But from what I gathered talking to her, she can't except him as he is. She didn't say this but the impression I got was he can't come home until he 'cleans up his act'. Sad.
Are you going to tell her?
Well, aside from receiving the same love as an ax-murderer, this e-mail was much more satifying and I think she just doesn't really get that the way she's describing her feelings can be taken in an offensive way.
I told her that she was the last to know, and that I had told my Young Men's leader back in Virginia a while back, but really I wasn't sure about telling anyone from church from my past, (not that I intend to hide, either). She has asked if my roommate was more than just a love interest, and I told her no, that I hoped she'd think I could do better than that--no offense to my roomie. She replied:
Well, actually I had hoped [he wasn't your boyfriend], but if I was wrong, I wouldn't want you to think I didn't like him, I do he's a nice guy... is he straight or gay? I assume he knows. Do you have a 'love interest'?
Then she offers some motherly advice, which I find a bit revealing about why she might have never been able to remarry...
And I'll tell you the same thing I would no matter what sex prefernce... Don't have sex lightly... I think... I know from hearing it, that masterbation is a big no-no, but I think 'self service is better than getting involved in a relationship based on lust. And I'm sure I don't have to tell you about STDs. A good rule of thumb in finding 'the one for you' is... make a list of the 10 things you must have... and the 10 things you just can't live with. For me I couldn't live with someone I can't talk with.. or who loves Country western Music or the Beatles..... and hates what I love in music... I can listen to some for a little bit, but I've got to have my stuff most of the time, I need someone who can love most of what I love... I'm sure that sounds shallow But you've got to know what you can live with. Someone who is never on time? always? mellow ? compulsive? honest? sloppy neatnic? Politically inline with you? etc.... if you can really make the two lists... and in talking to the person who you are interested, you can steer the conversation around to these topics with out being obvious...you have a better idea of if it can be a long term relationship...
And wrapping up one of her messages she reiterated
I am sorry you felt like I would have dissed you. I thought I had expressed that I loved you no matter what. you know... unconditionally......
I guess when I really think about it, I have a really wonderful mother. I hope she and I can become truly comfortable with everything. My prayers go out to the parents of all my fellow moho's who might not have as easy of a time with their folks. Good luck, it feels good to be "out".
"Help, help us, somebody help!"
It was one of the most scary things I've ever heard. I jumped out of bed and ran to my window, opening it, trying to assess if it was safe to go investigate. My worst fear was that this woman was being attacked, or raped.
It was a car wreck. My roomate and I both ran out as his girlfriend dialed 911. "Grab the first aid kit", Joe reminded me. I ran out, and the pictures tell the tale. An SUV had hit a parked car flipped, and the passengers were trying to crawl out. Other men had gotten out just before and got the first woman pulled out. Coolant was on the ground, and radio music poured from the speakers.
I did not smell gas, thank God. I held the driver door open as a man who'd climbed up on top of the vehicle pulled the the four occupants out, one by one. I told the man on top to reach in and turn off the ignition and I turned off the headlights. Like I said, I didn't smell gas, but I didn't want to find out the hard way.
No one was badly injured. The driver had a cut on the bridge of his nose, and had blood in his mouth. I put on my latex gloves and wiped his blood off with gauze, then used alcohol to sterilize the cut that was visible. I wasn't sure what to do for the inside of his mouth. (He'd probably bitten down on his cheek or tongue when he impacted.) By that time, the fire department and the police showed up, and they took over. I was glad to have helped, and one officer even told me thanks for my help.
I don't really feel like I did anything major, but just having someone care for you in an incident like that probably was helpful in keeping him calm. I made him sit down while I cleaned him up.
Anyway, it's weird to think that my whole building ran out to help. Northridge hit Southern California at the same time of morning--I can only imagine what that must be like after an experience like this.
BTW, if you want to see the car being uprighted by the tow truck, click here.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I used to ride my bike 8 miles just so I could drop in and say I was "in the neighborhood".
And I was excited to do it.
The first time [You] held me my heart fluttered, raced. My awkwardness gave way to comfort as minutes gave way to hours. You gently touched my face, softly exploring me, getting to know the terrain with your touch.
I've never been in love--the closest to it was [You]. Your smile, your body, your attitude all made me want to change to become more for you--to make you feel the same way about me as I felt about [You].
But I didn't, and I won't, and I can't. I know I shouldn't change, I need to find someone who really likes me for me. But I'll be damned if I don't think about [You] whenever I'm alone, even now.
I've dated several guys since you, and none have come close to the wonder and simple joy I felt just innocently holding your body against mine.
If there was something I could do to win [You] back, I'd do it in heart beat.
But you can't win back what you never really had...
I miss [You].
//apologies to Chedner for using his [Him] concept//
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Hi Sweetheart, this will be short because the computer keeps crashing every few minutes...No mention that nothing has changed. No mention of support or rejection. And considering my mom is online ALL THE TIME, this seems a pretty weird/lame excuse. She could call me, I even suggested it in a PS on my original e-mail (which I left off of the previous post).
I'm glad you told me and that you are at peace with yourself. Does that mean Joe is more than a roomie? Just wondered. Anyway... Gotta end before it crashes again... will get back to you. Just didn't want you to wonder if I'd gotten this.
She hasn't called. The two people in my family who've had the least to say about my coming out have been the two that are still most deeply entrenched in the church. I know that this is because they are following the adage "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". I realize she will need time to process, but I know that the reason she can't be immediately responsive is because she can't lie to herself or to me and tell me she's okay or that she supports me and that "nothing has changed"... because stuff has changed. I just threw a major kink into her vision for her children's future. And as an active memeber, she probably believes that my sexuality is a choice, or something she did wrong that caused it.
Frankly, (and it's going to sound cold to say this) I'm not going to let my mother worry me. I've extended my arms open to keep her a part of my life as I move into this new direction, and at this point the ball is in her court. She can either shoot the hoop or walk away. Who knows that that means, but the point remains. It's in her hands now.
I am sad she didn't call me, and I'm worried for what she might say in a longer e-mail.
Anyway, I'm lonely again on a Saturday night. *sigh*
I think that's because I'm not sick.
I want to make it clear to you that this isn't anyone's "fault". You did the best you could raising all of your children--and I'm very blessed to have been sent to this earth to be in your care. I think of all the amazing things I was able to accomplish because of your unconditional love and support--my TV show, my radio show, plays, activities, etc. All because you chose to be a full-time mom.
You probably understand, better than most, the pain I've gone through in my life--you too had a vision of how your life was "supposed" to play out--you'd be married to a man for time and all eternity and raise many beautiful children who'd serve missions and have families--etc. And yet, something outside of your control sent you down a different path. I too grew up firmly believing that I should go on a mission, marry a woman in the temple, and have many children--and I really wanted that. But something outside of my control has sent me down a different path.
I wanted to tell you this in person, but I don't know how long it might be before I see you in person again, and I am tired of waiting to tell you.
Your loving son,
Friday, January 16, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
And the bottom dropped out.
Today was another “bad day” in my effort, or lack thereof. I felt so worthless. I didn’t get anything done. Sometimes I wish I were dead, but I think that right now I’d go to hell, so either here or there is pain. There’s no escape. Ezra Horne.
This entry is so brief, and yet it's wording so intense that it makes me uncomfortable in many ways. I wish I could go back, I wish I could sit down with myself and set the record straight, but I can't.
It's so frustrating to thing of all the years I wasted feeling guilty and shameful--all of which was so draining, instead of focusing on service, helping others, and other self improvement. And yet, sometimes I feel like that is how I'm supposed to see it, and I've just been won over by evil...
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Wow, I was a horny little kid.
Really bad low today. 5 m’s or more, not sure. Anyway, Mr. M., my science teacher is in Boston for surgery so he won’t be back this year. It’s too bad. I’ve been listening to the tape of the 5/18/01 radio show. I really like it. Anyway, I did my homework and looked at my movie’s “What?!?!” script. I realized that it’s really funny. I am going to finish it before I leave. BTW, Rosebud is Kane’s sled! Ezra Horne.
Nice to see I had a sense of humor in spite of my crippling shame.
Friday, January 9, 2009
But I could only go two days. It makes me cringe--I couldn't even write the words.
Today I had a major setback-recession if you will. After a weekend of abstention, I did two P’s and 4 m’s—oh man, this is not cool at all. I read an article in the newest issue of The New Era, and there was a short article on passing the sacrament by. It made me feel funny because I have to do that. Hopefully I’ll have the courage to talk to the Bishop about my other problem. [gay pornography/being gay] I love Jesus Christ and his plan of repentance. It lets me make mistakes without condemning me forever. Goodnight. Ezra Horne.
No, but I condemned myself.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The next day was successful and productive.
We went to church today and made the other batch of ice cream. I cleaned the spice cupboards, the cans area and the “snack rack”, as well as helped my brother make the gardens all afternoon. We lined the patches with bricks and/or the giant Lincoln logs and then put seeds in and mulched the area. We also fixed the steps that had gotten broken and planted a lilac bush. Anyway, I am confused about my math work, so I’m gonna try again tomorrow morning. Well, it’s 10:14, so I gotta go—it’s been 48 hours or more! Night! Ezra Horne.
“I will not drown in shallow waters”
I was so proud of myself.