It's weird, but I almost feel good while I'm crying. It doesn't matter the reason--I could be crying tears of joy or pain or sadness--but I don't want to stop.
When I told my third Bishop (the one who actually cared and worked with me) that I was gay, I cried. And after I left his office, I went into an empty classroom in the Cambridge Ward building, and cried my eyes out. I sat in a corner, and I let it all out. I didn't want to stop. The emotional release was so powerful that I'll never forget it.
The heaving, the sobbing, the blowing the nose. I love it. I love watching movies that make me cry. I cry at the end of October Sky, I cry during scenes in Into The Wild, I cry when I realize that the life I always dreamed about would never be mine.
Yesterday, (as noted in the previous post) I cried during therapy. I don't remember exactly how we got onto this topic, but I told her that I didn't deserve to have the boyfriend I desired, that I didn't deserve good things. She responded "Why do you think you don't deserve good things?"
And the tears started to well up.
Just writing that question, "Why don't you deserve good things?" is making my eyes wet again.
I couldn't give her an answer for a long time. Eventually I concluded that the reason I don't deserve good things is because I'm too foul, too ugly, too sinful and lazy to be blessed. I have it so easy, so many gifts and so many wonderful, loving people in my life, and yet I accomplish nothing. So many others, with the weight of the whole world on their backs, great men and women have scarified and dragged themselves up from the bottom. Yet I remain content with the middle.
I am a coward.
Time after time I kept coming back to the word coward. I struggled to justify why I felt this way, but couldn't find the reasons--I just feel like a tiny little man, who's so broken and lonely that his true potential is lost.
Dammit. I'm at work on my lunch break, and I've got tears rolling down my cheeks. F**k.
I received my Patriarchal blessing in the fall of 2007. I had been working with my Bishop to become worthy to receive it for several months. The day I got it was one of the most powerful spiritual experiences of my life. And my blessing said this "There will be individuals in distant parts of the world who will speak your name with reverence even though they may have never met you because of what you have done to assist them to understand to gospel of Jesus Christ."
I've always felt that my purpose on this earth was so great, so important--that I would change the world. It's my destiny. I knew this since I was a kid.
But I don't see how someone so broken can fix anything.
I'm not even really a Mormon anymore--how can some ex-mormon faggot sinner teach anyone anything about the gospel of Jesus Christ?
I have to stop.
I have to get back to work.
I have to force myself to go on pretending that I know what I'm doing.