Saturday, January 17, 2009

And Here's The Response

So this is the response:
Hi Sweetheart, this will be short because the computer keeps crashing every few minutes...
I'm glad you told me and that you are at peace with yourself. Does that mean Joe is more than a roomie? Just wondered. Anyway... Gotta end before it crashes again... will get back to you. Just didn't want you to wonder if I'd gotten this.
Love Mom
No mention that nothing has changed. No mention of support or rejection. And considering my mom is online ALL THE TIME, this seems a pretty weird/lame excuse. She could call me, I even suggested it in a PS on my original e-mail (which I left off of the previous post).

She hasn't called. The two people in my family who've had the least to say about my coming out have been the two that are still most deeply entrenched in the church. I know that this is because they are following the adage "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". I realize she will need time to process, but I know that the reason she can't be immediately responsive is because she can't lie to herself or to me and tell me she's okay or that she supports me and that "nothing has changed"... because stuff has changed. I just threw a major kink into her vision for her children's future. And as an active memeber, she probably believes that my sexuality is a choice, or something she did wrong that caused it.

Frankly, (and it's going to sound cold to say this) I'm not going to let my mother worry me. I've extended my arms open to keep her a part of my life as I move into this new direction, and at this point the ball is in her court. She can either shoot the hoop or walk away. Who knows that that means, but the point remains. It's in her hands now.

I am sad she didn't call me, and I'm worried for what she might say in a longer e-mail.


Anyway, I'm lonely again on a Saturday night. *sigh*


  1. Really a Sports metaphor on a gay blog?

    All joking aside, this is a giant leap you have taken. You should be proud. being true to one's self is not easy, and you did it! I hope this brings you and your mum closer.

  2. Well, I am glad she didn't freak out on you over the email..although she may be freaking out and just not be telling you. But I hope she decides to allow this to change your relationship for the better. Congratulations on completing one of the hardest coming out's of your life!

  3. That is one of the more surprising responses I've read, but, if I were to average them all together, that would not be below average on the scale of good and bad.

    The negative is that it's brevity seems to hold something negative.


    1. "Love Mom", many won't even get that.
    2. "Sweetheart". She still uses pet names, and I know when I'm being stern with my kids I do not :-).
    3. She asked about your love life and that, in my experience, is a big step. To be taken right off the bat, well, I think that's a good sign.

    I hope the next letter clears much up and doesn't do any damage to the relationship. Time, nevertheless, can heal a lot in this realm.

  4. Hey Ezra. This note from your mom actually sounds pretty benign to me. Maybe I just don't know her too well, but I'd take it at face value unless you know from experience that you shouldn't do that. I agree with Scot. Take it easy.

  5. Remember, how long did it take for you to realize that you were gay? And after that, how long did it take to come to terms? And then be happy with being gay?

    Well, expect a period shorter than that for her to go through the same process, but not much shorter. Just remember this is *very* difficult for her. Don't be judgmental. Just accept every little step forward that she makes. Try to minimize every step backwards. I came out to my mom in November and besides that first talk, we still haven't talked about it other than in passing. It takes time... lots of time.

  6. I agree with BigRedHammer, you just need to give her some time to digest this. Mothers blame themselves for everything, even if they shouldn't. Just be patient and I am sure this will enhance your relationship with her, rather than destroy it.

  7. @Ausmo, Comment #1 - (I know you were tongue in cheek but I had to respond) Absolutely a sports metaphor. Guys who like guys should use them a lot more, maybe we could dispel a few stereotypes!

  8. Ezra-- GO YOU. I thought your letter to your mom was AMAZING and so well put together. I really love the way you express gratitude for her throughout the letter. You are an awesome young man. Her response is obviously short on purpose. I think she is just at a loss for what to say to you. Thats what it seems to me. I think a lot of us have been through this process, and I know it feels strange and anti-climactic to have such a meagre return on such a heart-opening deposit that you made by sending that honest letter. My opinion is that this is very positive. I think that she will probably go back and forth a lot on this in her own head. I almost think it is better for you if she processes her own angst about this without involving you. She is an adult and she will figure it out. In the meantime I suggest you just continue loving her and as long as she is being respectful and loving to you, you can leave it there and just wait for her to figure out how to love this "new you". Its not new to you, but it is to her.

    I support you 100%. You are awesome and I am anxious to stay abreast of your story.

    Hey how bout that super bowl thats coming up? (breaking stereotypes)
    Football players are hot. I love locker rooms (supporting stereotypes)