While in therapy yesterday, I was explaining that since coming out, I've become more active and vocal regarding GLBT issues, because I feel it's my duty. It would be selfish and irresponsible for me to let others do all the work for my equality, freedom and dignity.
But I never wanted to be a fighter. I never wanted to have to stand up and defend myself. I never wanted to make a statement. I just wanted to live my life according to the dictates of my own conscience and be done with it.
"But", I said, "I force myself to do the things that I'm afraid of. Because it's only by facing them that I can overcome the fear, and move towards being truly comfortable and at peace. I guess that's the difference--". At this point, a little switch clicked in my head. I started crying. I paused as I let the words that were on the tip of my tongue roll around in my mind. "--the difference between a coward and and a courageous man, is action."
My therapist smiled--she saw the door opening, just a crack--and light of truth flooding around the frame. I smiled, too.
"I know that both the coward and the courageous man are scared shitless--but the courageous man does what is right and true anyway."
I laughed and looked to my therapist. "So why don't I believe it?"
LOL. You can believe it and still be scared of it, Ezra. Believing it doesn't mean the fear goes away. It means you master yourself sufficiently to go forward regardless. Not without good judgment of course, but you summon the strength to move despite the fear. This is no overnight thing, it takes all of us a long time to learn to do it, if we learn at all. Many never do. Great post, I was smiling too as I read it.
ReplyDeleteI posted a really long comment on this post and it then went away! I'm so sad. I'll have to try again later today. I just wanted to tell you I support you and think you are great.
ReplyDelete@Clark: Dude, that's happened to me before and it breaks my heart. I loved your last comment, it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I hope you feel inspired to re-write it.
ReplyDelete@Alan: I'm glad I could make you smile.