San Francisco, Affirmation, Old Friends and a Model A Ford

Apologies to those who have been waiting for my feedback on this last weekend in San Francisco (I'm looking at you, Alan) This weekend I took a very short trip up to San Francisco for the 1st ever Affirmation Young Adult Cornerstone Conference. The conference was sparsely attended, but the small group made it feel more like a small ward activity than a big "conference". Which was nice. I think since it was the first time they'd ever had this event, coupled with the simple fact that most young people can't afford to go to San Francisco for the weekend. That's why all the attendees were from the Bay Area except me, Christian and his friend Max.

Christian is pictured here to the left. He is transgendered, and was born biologically female, and has been on hormones since April. I really enjoyed meeting him and getting to hear his story. I'd never met a transgendered Moho before and it was incredible. Interestingly, I still would occasionally refer to Christian as she--it annoyed me, because I support him and his dicisions, but knowing what I knew about his current physical state (pre-op) I would still mentally default to saying "she". I hope I didn't offend, as Christian was a cool person, and as the Bishop's kid in Orange County, I know his path is undoubtedly more difficult than mine.

The conference was fun and I sort of wish I had more time to get the stories of the attendees. I picked up peices between the seminars and talks about political activism and safe sex. But unfortunately, I just didn't get the time. We went on a walking tour of the Castro, which basically consisted of talking about which bars where for what and who goes where and has the best drinks or dancing. It made me feel a little out of the loop. I have gone dancing, but I still don't think clubbing tops my list of things to do on any given night. I still don't drink and frankly haven't more than a fleeting interest in starting. So once again, I was the minority, the guy who was recently out, single and insecure.

It is frustrating, because I'm working my hardest to find out why I'm still so goddamn uncomfortable with myself. My therapist and I are try to get to the root of it. I've got it boiled down the this, at least in my head--I don't deserve happiness. And I'm firmly of the belief that I'll never have it. It can't possibly sound any more emo and self-defeating, but that's the truth. And this blog is about the truth. I look at a couple like Austin and Todd, and I get nauseated. I feel sick to my stomach, knowing that the happiness and joy they've found in each other is never going to be found in my heart.

Don't get my wrong, I'm extremely happy for them--I know they will succeed as a couple. My envy is all encompassing. They are a hot couple, both extremely good looking and thin, which I'll never be. They seem to have given each other their whole heart, which embodies itself in the playfulness of their relationship. As it has been for my whole life, I'm controlled by fear. Despite my best efforts, every date I go on, I feel nothing, every time I look in the mirror and see the fat fuck staring back at me, I know I'll never earn the love and attraction I want, every day that I'm alone, I get more and more ready to give up.

I am sorry this post rapidly became depressing before I even knew what was happening.

I'll have to blog more on this later. To move on, Alan picked me up in his car in the Castro--I joked with him that I never expected to get picked up by an older man in a black car in the Castro..." Hahaha. We went to Grace Cathederal, which no pictures I took do justice. There was a wedding, and I got to hear some music of the choir.

Outside, I encountered this dashing gentleman, and knew I had to have a photo:

He pleasantly obliged, and I sent this photo to my mother, who loves the Scots. She also commented that she thought he was handsome--he is!

After Grace, Alan and I drove down through Golden Gate Park, and then to the 280 south to Woodside (Steve Jobs has a home in this area) up Route 84 to "Alice's Restaurant" (Yes, Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant.) We had dinner with my adopted Mom, Patty Mayall. Alan, Patty and I had a delightful dinner, laughing and talking about a myriad of subjects, before going back to Patty's to have apple pie.

For those who want backstory--Patty and I met at Mortified San Francisco back in April. Have you ever met someone who totally clicks with you and you feel like you've known them your whole life? It's a rare occurrence, but Patty and I were fast friends. And in the short time we were together, we felt comfortable enough to share phone numbers and e-mails, and she extended the invite to stay with her any time I was in the bay area.

So I took her up on the offer. And as we sat at the table talking, it was chilly and I put my arm around her, hugged her. It was very fun, and made me realize how much I miss my real mom, who is still in Virginia. I hope this doesn't make her jealous. My real mom (ToniAnne) and I will often go out to restaurants and sit across the table from each other and hold hands. It's fun, and makes my mom feel so loved and special--and she is both.

So Patty, my surrogate mom, was so appreciative--she's never had children of her own, and I think she really feels as blessed to know me as I do to know her. It's magic. She and her husband Ted are both going to be invited to my wedding (if I ever have one)

The next day, we got to do one of the coolest things I've ever done--easily the highlight of the weekend. We got to drive around the San Mateo Mountains in a 1928 Model A Ford!

Ted gases up the Ford before we begin our sojourn. The engine is gravity fed, meaning that the gas tank must be above the engine--which is why it's BEHIND THE DASHBOARD--basically your riding with 10 gallons of gasoline in your lap.

Here's the hood ornament. Classy! This car can go up to about 50 MPH (on a flat level stretch) and maybe 35-40 up any decent grade. It's a 3 speed flat cut gear manual transmission. It can get between 15-22 mpg. I got to ride in the rumble seat for most of the journey (no seatbelts) and consequently a rocking good time.

And then I got to DRIVE IT!!! This was kind of incredible, and as you can see I was giddy and grinning like the Cheshire cat the entire time. The car has an incredible amount of play in the steering, and it really felt not completely unlike driving the Antique Cars rides at any theme park. You could turn the wheel about a quarter turn before getting any response from the tires. It made driving a very conscious activity. This was real motoring. Oh, and no power brakes either... you're stopping the car with the force of your own foot.

When we finally got to San Gregario, we posed for a picture (me with my new hat I'd just bought).

I took the liberty of correcting and photoshopping this picture to the left to give it a historical and authentic look. Sigh, I want to own a car like this--but only if I've got a cool place to drive it like the winding country roads of the San Mateo Mountains.

In short, it was a fantastic weekend, with lots of new experiences, new friends, and fun. I'm an incredibly lucky guy, even if I don't understand why.

June 28th, 2007

Dear Journal,

I’m not sure yet. This could be the day that you start making real progress towards heterosexuality—or it could be a day where you’ll look back and regret it. Today I told my Dad that I am struggling with same-sex attraction. Homosexuality.

I honestly can’t believe that I told him. I bought this book on Amazon.com called “Coming Out Straight” by Richard Cohen, and I think it has helped me realize that I may have a chance to change. According to the book, there are many factors that can lead someone into SSA. I have a lot of them, and it really hit home.

When I told Dad, I cried and muttered along, trying to talk through the tears, and we held hands, he just let me get it all out before even speaking, and then he thanked me for trusting him enough to talk to him.

Then we stood and hugged, and I cried on his shoulder as he held me. I sobbed into his chest for a long time, but it wasn’t enough. Richard Cohen was right—touch/attachment therapy between father and son is important. I never wanted to let go. I’ve probably not cried in the presence of my father for 10 years. I’ve probably not been held like that since I was a child and it felt good, like I finally had a Dad. I’m not cured, and I’m not healed, but if anyone can help me, it’s probably him, since he’s the cause (direct or indirect) of most of these potential factors. He’s also good at emotional healing work. So maybe, with God’s help, the Bishop, Evergreen, myself, maybe Dan (if I get the courage to ask him to help) I might be able to melt the pain in my heart that has caused these attractions. I’m scared of what is ahead, but I am grateful to be moving away from the darkness and into the light. There is SO much work to be done—I have such low self-esteem and confidence around men, poor body image, fear of women, inadequacy issues and who knows what else is hiding in my subconscious.

It’s funny. I have been asking God for a friend for the last few weeks, projecting developing a healthy friendship with someone, and maybe I’m supposed to heal and become friends with myself and my Dad. Could be?

There are so many thoughts whirling around in my head. Dad says he will do whatever he can to support me, maybe he can. We may do hormonal therapy, flower essences, emotional healing, and who knows what else. I want to become a real man with confidence, self-worth, and respect, and a deep belief that I am a child of God and he loves me as I am—I don’t have to please anyone else.

Dad says he loves me and wants me to know that I shouldn’t feel guilty for the way I feel. And that he feels change is possible, though even if I stay a homosexual, I’d still have his love and support and it wouldn’t change a thing between us.

I really wish I knew what he’s been thinking about all day. Is he even thinking about it. I want to cry in his arms again.

I feel alone again.

Mom does not know and probably will not know about it until I am done with it (or close to it.)

I love my Mom, but I know (or at least I think I know) that her maturity level is not sufficient to be able to handle that kind of news appropriately. She’d get upset and cry and try to “pray the gay away”. But I already know that doesn’t work.

Sarah would be of the belief that I cannot change it and should accept it, and I’m not sure what Katie and David would think of it. Most of my friends feel the same way about SSA (that you can’t change it). I refuse to accept this because I know God places no burden upon us that we cannot carry—and I can’t carry these thoughts and feelings anymore.

Nothing has even been done yet, but already I have fears and doubts about this. Will the pain and suffering I dredge up be effective and heal me? Or will I be a more well-adjusted homosexual?

All of these fears and frustrations (sexual and mental) are being stacked on top of the lonely-ness of being here in the desert without any friends. Stacked on top of the boring, unfulfilling work I do, the hours of editing crappy footage for J-Sasseville. Stacked on top of my inability to settle or be happy with a film idea and move forward in pre-production. Stacked on top of my concerns about money.

Welcome to adulthood, Ezra.

I’m writing this with my right hand. I need love and I need to get in touch with a very angry little boy who needs healing. I’m looking for a positive, happy relationship. Dad, I need your help. Help me. Help me. Feel me, touch me, heal me.

Sorry if that’s nonsense, I just felt like trying that.

So God, here’s a list (which isn’t all inclusive nor nessicerily complete) of experiences I’d like to have and relationships I want.

-I want to have a family. As much as it is scary, because of my current feelings of inadequacy, I still want to experience the joys (and pains) of fatherhood. Please let me be a good father to a few of your spirit children, heavenly father. I would do my best to rear them in love and respect, with a firm foundation that I will never judge them and they can always talk to me.

An important part of this is to have a wife who loves me for who I really am. A woman who is physically attractive would be a wonderful experience, and if she could be supportive of me and the family, creative and spontaneous, a good homemaker, I will have to think more about this as I’ve never given this much thought. If she is not Mormon I need to come to terms with marrying outside the church, but preferably she should be Mormon. If the love is strong and the woman can accept me even having not gone on a mission, she should be smart and sound minded, but also be in touch with the guidance of the spirit so we can impart good wisdom and love to our kids.

God, I know thou can do anything, and that thou doest it be your timetable and as I further identify what I truly would like to experience in this life you will provide me with strength and understanding (of others and myself.) I realize I have a lot of forgiving of myself to do, and healing with my family, and I ask for special help with this as I have a tendency to worry and feel afraid and hold onto pain and punish myself for slipping up when I should just repent, forgive myself and move on. Thank you. I ask these blessings in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

And There's The Problem...

So it's official. I'm not gay enough.

I'm in the Castro blogging from my phone. A little while ago I had lunch at a little restaurant here called "home". They had an amazing meatloaf sandwich that knocked my socks off. But I digress.

When I got my check, I asked my (gay) waiter what I should do or what was a must see. He directed my that if I as going up towards this one area that there were a bunch of bars and strips clubs "like I think there's a Hustler strip club up there.". Yeah then I directly asked what to see and do in re Castro and I got told to check out the Castro theater because they show classic films.

So even in the heart of the Castro people don't even ask if I'm gay because it's apparenty not even in doubt. Now granted, I realize that maybe he just wanted to air on the safe side, assuming that straight people can get offended when their sexuality is questioned, and many gay men would be merely amused or flattered by the assumption that on is straight. But still.

I do not feel like I fit in in any community anymore. I'm pretty much done with
Mormonism and I'm still not comfortable with myself and don't identify with the gay community. I feel sick to my stomach.

Anyway, Mortified is tonight and if I'm lucky someone will invite me out with their group so I don't feel like a total loner lamo.

I feel like in many ways I like the person I was when I was in the closet a lot better. I feel less confident and more reserved an shy than ever. Sigh whatever I just am really lost.

The Buddha Says...

This morning, my grandma (who is Buddhist) sent me this

It is true that in some sense Buddhism can be described as a do-it-yourself process.  The Buddha himself said, "Work out your own salvation with diligence."  So it seems clear that, to a certain extent, salvation is up to us and we cannot really get help from outside.  There is no magical gimmick that will solve our problems for us without pain.

How amazing is it that she would think to send that to me when I needed a little boost, when I'd been doubting my path?

I love my grandma

19 Months Ago... June 28th, 2007

I haven't blogged in a while, and maybe because I don't have that much to say.  So instead I'll be opening up a journal entry from 19 months ago.  It is almost uncomfortable.

6/28/07
Dear Journal,

I’m not sure yet. This could be the day that you start making real progress towards heterosexuality—or it could be a day where you’ll look back and regret it. Today I told my Dad that I am struggling with same-sex attraction.  Homosexuality.

I honestly can’t believe that I told him. I bought this book on Amazon.com called “Coming Out Straight” by Richard Cohen, and I think it has helped me realize that I may have a chance to change. According to the book, there are many factors that can lead someone into SSA. I have a lot of them, and it really hit home.

When I told Dad, I cried and muttered along, trying to talk through the tears, and we held hands, he just let me get it all out before even speaking, and then he thanked me for trusting him enough to talk to him.

Then we stood and hugged, and I cried on his shoulder as he held me. I sobbed into his chest for a long time, but it wasn’t enough. Richard Cohen was right—touch/attachment therapy between father and son is important. I never wanted to let go. I’ve probably not cried in the presence of my father for 10 years. I’ve probably not been held like that since I was a child and it felt good, like I finally had a Dad. I’m not cured, and I’m not healed, but if anyone can help me, it’s probably him, since he’s the cause (direct or indirect) of most of these potential factors. He’s also good at emotional healing work. So maybe, with God’s help, the Bishop, Evergreen, myself, maybe D. H. (if I get the courage to ask him to help) I might be able to melt the pain in my heart that has caused these attractions. I’m scared of what is ahead, but I am grateful to be moving away from the darkness and into the light. There is SO much work to be done—I have such low self-esteem and confidence around men, poor body image, fear of women, inadequacy issues and who knows what else is hiding in my subconscious.

It’s funny. I have been asking God for a friend for the last few weeks, projecting developing a healthy friendship with someone, and maybe I’m supposed to heal and become friends with myself and my Dad. Could be?

There are so many thoughts whirling around in my head. Dad says he will do whatever he can to support me, maybe he can. We may do hormonal therapy, flower essences, emotional healing, and who knows what else. I want to become a real man with confidence, self-worth, and respect, and a deep belief that I am a child of God and he loves me as I am—I don’t have to please anyone else.

Dad says he loves me and wants me to know that I shouldn’t feel guilty for the way I feel. And that he feels change is possible, though even if I stay a homosexual, I’d still have his love and support and it wouldn’t change a thing between us.

I really wish I knew what he’s been thinking about all day. Is he even thinking about it?  I want to cry in his arms again.

I feel alone again.

Mom does not know and probably will not know about it until I am done with it (or close to it.)
I love my Mom, but I know (or at least I think I know) that her maturity level is not sufficient to be able to handle that kind of news appropriately. She’d get upset and cry and try to “pray the gay away”. But I already know that doesn’t work.

Sarah would be of the belief that I cannot change it and should accept it, and I’m not sure what Katie and David would think of it. Most of my friends feel the same way about SSA (that you can’t change it). I refuse to accept this because I know God places no burden upon us that we cannot carry—and I can’t carry these thoughts and feelings anymore.

Nothing has even been done yet, but already I have fears and doubts about this. Will the pain and suffering I dredge up be effective and heal me? Or will I be a more well-adjusted homosexual?

All of these fears and frustrations (sexual and mental) are being stacked on top of the lonely-ness of being here in the desert without any friends. Stacked on top of the boring, unfulfilling work I do, the hours of editing crappy footage for J. S.  Stacked on top of my inability to settle or be happy with a film idea and move forward in pre-production. Stacked on top of my concerns about money.

Welcome to adulthood, Ezra.

I need love and I need to get in touch with a very angry little boy who needs healing. I’m looking for a positive, happy relationship. Dad, I need your help. Help me. Help me. Feel me, touch me, heal me.

Sorry if that’s nonsense, I just felt like trying that.
So God, here’s a list (which isn’t all inclusive nor necessarily complete) of experiences I’d like to have and relationships I want.

-I want to have a family. As much as it is scary, because of my current feelings of inadequacy, I still want to experience the joys (and pains) of fatherhood. Please let me be a good father to a few of your spirit children, heavenly father. I would do my best to rear them in love and respect, with a firm foundation that I will never judge them and they can always talk to me.

An important part of this is to have a wife who loves me for who I really am. A woman who is physically attractive would be a wonderful experience, and if she could be supportive of me and the family, creative and spontaneous, a good homemaker, I will have to think more about this as I’ve never given this much thought.  If she is not Mormon I need to come to terms with marrying outside the church, but preferably she should be Mormon.  If the love is strong and the woman can accept me even having not gone on a mission, she should be smart and sound minded, but also be in touch with the guidance of the spirit so we can impart good wisdom and love to our kids.

God, I know thou can do anything, and that thou doest it on your timetable and as I further identify what I truly would like to experience in this life you will provide me with strength and understanding (of others and myself.) I realize I have a lot of forgiving of myself to do, and healing with my family, and I ask for special help with this as I have a tendency to worry and feel afraid and hold onto pain and punish myself for slipping up when I should just repent, forgive myself and move on. Thank you. I ask these blessings in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

This entry almost makes the me of 2009 uncomfortable.

Another Strange Coincidence...

Just a short note tonight.

Ty Mansfield was a Missionary in the Augusta, Maine Stake back in 1998ish, when I was living there with my mother and siblings.

We always loved Mansfield, and when we learned that he had sold Cutco Knives door-to-door to pay for his mission, we named his favorite Cutco knife, "The Spatula Spreader", the "Mansfield Knife" in his honor.

Through my mother, I reconnected with Ty on Facebook and discovered that we had many mutual moho friends... and I asked him that famous question "are you one, too?"

His response was simple--

I co-authored the following book, to answer your question:
http://deseretbook.com/store/product/4772927

I feel simultaneously foolish and privileged to have been served by Mansfield while he was a missionary. I guess now I have to read the book--which I bought a good year ago but never read.

Small world, huh?

Emo-licious No More

Hey guys.

I was going to apologize for being so emo-licious in the previous post, but I realized that there is no need to. I need not be ashamed for getting depressed. It was what it was, and there is nothing to be sorry about.

I'm grateful that I have this network of people, my close friends and family who send me their love and their prayers every day. I realize that as down as I get sometimes, I always come around. Because I can't stay down when I realize how fortunate I am.

Thanks for everything. Get angry, yell and scream, feel suicidal--it's okay--you need to let the feelings out, or they grow, like a festering wound. Just don't wallow in them forever. Count your many blessings, name them one by one.

So here goes-- 25 things I'm blessed with.

1. My health.
Yes, I got sick this weekend, but I'm pretty much healthy as a horse most days. Especially now that I'm hitting the gym, I feel better than ever most days.

2. The best siblings in the world.
I just do. You may think yours are great, but mine are WAAAY better. :)

3. Having lived in many different parts of the country.
It's helped me be an open minded and loving individual. If I'd stayed in the Mormon Utah Bubble my whole life, I can't even pretend to imagine where I'd be. Probably dead.

4. An amazing body.
When I get past my own body image issues, I realize that I have a great body, a wonderful body, with strong, powerful legs, slender waist and big, broad shoulders. I have a clear complexion and a cute face. I'm very flexible. My body is able to store energy in the form of fat for lean times... it's able to use that energy for other purposes later. In the words "my body machine is super keen." (That's a very obscure reference, btw).

5. The ability to change the things I don't like about my body.
Thank God I'm not disabled, or ugly, or mangled or burned--I'm just overweight. And with patience and determination, I'll shed those pounds. I don't need them any more. I'm done with my shield. I'm ready to go into the world un-armored.

6. My job.
In this economy, I am immensely glad that I'm employed in a well paying job with a small company that is training me and teaching me and essentially allowing me to build a network, should I ever need to find new employment!

7. My maturity and courage.
When I encounter a problem, I might get depressed, but I always win--I attack the problem, finding a solution, even when it's scary.

8. The internet, and its power to help me to never feel alone.
You are all like my extended family. I'm so blessed that we have this tool, this marvelous wonderful tool called the internet that allows us to find each other and lift each other up. If I had known just ONE gay Mormon, setting the example some of you are setting, I probably would have had a much healthier childhood.

9. Hot water.
It seems silly, but every time I am in the shower, I realize that I have the most decadent luxury in the world in my apartment. It makes me immensely happy.

10. Ice.
Another decadent luxury that I can't possibly imagine life without. It's actually one reason I don't look forward to traveling in Europe.

11. Not being stuck anymore.
Even though moving forward is often scary and painful, I'm glad I'm not dammed up--stagnant--anymore. I used to see stories on TV about women in abusive relationships, and I could never understand why they wouldn't just leave--escape from that toxic environment. But now I can relate to what it must be like--I've had a 22 year long abusive relationship with the church, and every day I imagine going back. But there is only forward motion.

12. My bike and my ability to ride and steer with NO HANDS.
I can't tell you how fun it is to ride down the Chandler Bike path in Burbank, steering gracefully around the pedestrians on the sidewalk, using both hands to conduct the music on my iPod as a sail through the brisk evening air. In spite of still feeling kind of sick today, I took this little trip today:

And while I was on this delightful ride, (partially in the rain, which I know is great when you're trying to get healthy) I was able to meet up with some friends for a few moments, get a Grande Carmel Apple Spice drink from Starbucks, and snap the photo at the top of this entry, which I kinda like for some reason. I think it's the power lines, I've always been a fan of power lines.

I wasn't able to get the rainbow on camera, because by the time I went inside to get it, it'd gone.

13. My iPod.
Music helps me get through the day, and having a constant companion that doesn't mind when I sign along to the tunes is invaluable.

14. My workout is yielding results.
As I've stated previously, I've lost about 20 pounds since last summer. If I was more committed, I could lose more, but low and slow seems to be the best way lose weight in such a way as to keep it off. I feel healthier, and more energized now that I attend the gym 3-4 times a week.

15. No one has disowned me.
At the end of the day, my coming out experience was practically painless--at least the pain that was felt was generated solely from within, and not from anyone's outward ignorance.

16. I have sufficient for my needs.
My income surpasses my expenses, and that's without penny pinching. I'm very very blessed.

17. Knowledge that I'm a good person.
I just know it. Sometimes I get down on myself, but I realize I'm doing my best, and I have a real desire to serve, and it part of the reason I know I'm a chosen son of God.

18. Knowledge that God loves me.
Isn't that the greatest thing? I wish I could get a hug from him, but I guess I'll have to deal with his proxies--my friends and family--to feel his love in a physical way. But I do know this is true, even when it feels desperately lonely.

19. My whole life is ahead of me.
I've figured out A LOT for a 22 year old. I am often told that I seem to have it really together for someone my age. In fact, a couple of the guys I've dated have said that they normally go for older guys, but I seem to have my act together... I definitely feel old sometimes.

20. All the times I've screwed up.
Because they make me humble, and help me to learn and grow. One of my favorite quotes is from John N. Mitchell. "The finest steel has to go through the hottest fire". So it shall be with us.

21. Singing!
See #13. I love singing, and it makes me feel good.

22. Living in Southern California.
As much as I miss New England, I am very grateful to be here. The sun generally makes me happy, and California has allowed me to progress in a way I was never capable of back east--Prop 8 catalyzed me into action regarding my sexuality and my future, and in turn motivated me to start getting in shape. It's all wonderful.

23. Each day I get to start over.
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.

24. Forgiveness.
I think that God sometimes gives us permission to make mistakes and sin. Not because he condones it, but because he is omnipotent, and understands that sometimes, no matter how many times you tell a child that they shouldn't touch the stove, they need to get burned to really understand. For some, they are content to be told and live in faith. But I think I'm that idiot that has to feel the pain himself before he gets the picture. Thankfully, those wounds heal, and all can be forgiven.

25. Me.
This is hard for me to say, because I'm not sure this is something I'm really ready to state, but I'm so exceedingly grateful to be me. To have had my experiences, to have my mind and soul, with all it's hardships and trials, I've had a truly beautiful, rich existence. I'm incredibly lucky to have seen all that I've seen, felt all that I've felt, and accomplished all that I've accomplished. God has put me in a special place in this world, and I still believe that I'm here for a very special purpose.

So hopefully this post will be a cheerier read for all of you. Life is worth living, if only because I need to meet all of you in person one day!

Thanks,

Your friend, Ezra.

The Follow-Up: More E-mails From Mother

I know some might be wondering what kind of follow-up e-mails I might have received from my mother. Since there has been a little back and forth, I'm just going to contextualize and share some highlights.

I did not respond to her initial message, since she had said "more to come". So eventually, on Monday the 19th, she wrote back [excerpt]:

I am sorry that you had to wait so long, and I feel I must have failed you in some way that you couldn't tell me sooner. I am sorry I didn't earn your faith and trust. I'm not perfect either!

Have you told your dad? Sarah? David? Katie? My mom? etc? You didn't say not to say anything, but I haven't and won't until you say it's ok. It's your life to decide who know and who doesn't. But I'd like to know... not that I'm going to call or write to any of them and 'talk' about you... but sometimes something like that comes up in a conversation, you know..'

And then there is [My seminary teacher] She's going to be devastated. She told me how she felt she'd be held accountable if she accepted Brandon [Her gay son] the way he is- which I guess is gay from what she said. But I don't agree, you raise up your children as best you can, and then they make their own choices, or go their own way, and you love them even if they become an ax murderer. But from what I gathered talking to her, she can't except him as he is. She didn't say this but the impression I got was he can't come home until he 'cleans up his act'. Sad.

Are you going to tell her?

Well, aside from receiving the same love as an ax-murderer, this e-mail was much more satifying and I think she just doesn't really get that the way she's describing her feelings can be taken in an offensive way.

I told her that she was the last to know, and that I had told my Young Men's leader back in Virginia a while back, but really I wasn't sure about telling anyone from church from my past, (not that I intend to hide, either). She has asked if my roommate was more than just a love interest, and I told her no, that I hoped she'd think I could do better than that--no offense to my roomie. She replied:

Well, actually I had hoped [he wasn't your boyfriend], but if I was wrong, I wouldn't want you to think I didn't like him, I do he's a nice guy... is he straight or gay? I assume he knows. Do you have a 'love interest'?

Then she offers some motherly advice, which I find a bit revealing about why she might have never been able to remarry...

And I'll tell you the same thing I would no matter what sex prefernce... Don't have sex lightly... I think... I know from hearing it, that masterbation is a big no-no, but I think 'self service is better than getting involved in a relationship based on lust. And I'm sure I don't have to tell you about STDs. A good rule of thumb in finding 'the one for you' is... make a list of the 10 things you must have... and the 10 things you just can't live with. For me I couldn't live with someone I can't talk with.. or who loves Country western Music or the Beatles..... and hates what I love in music... I can listen to some for a little bit, but I've got to have my stuff most of the time, I need someone who can love most of what I love... I'm sure that sounds shallow But you've got to know what you can live with. Someone who is never on time? always? mellow ? compulsive? honest? sloppy neatnic? Politically inline with you? etc.... if you can really make the two lists... and in talking to the person who you are interested, you can steer the conversation around to these topics with out being obvious...you have a better idea of if it can be a long term relationship...

And wrapping up one of her messages she reiterated

I am sorry you felt like I would have dissed you. I thought I had expressed that I loved you no matter what. you know... unconditionally......

I guess when I really think about it, I have a really wonderful mother. I hope she and I can become truly comfortable with everything. My prayers go out to the parents of all my fellow moho's who might not have as easy of a time with their folks. Good luck, it feels good to be "out".

And Here's The Response

So this is the response:

Hi Sweetheart, this will be short because the computer keeps crashing every few minutes...
I'm glad you told me and that you are at peace with yourself. Does that mean Joe is more than a roomie? Just wondered. Anyway... Gotta end before it crashes again... will get back to you. Just didn't want you to wonder if I'd gotten this.
Love Mom

No mention that nothing has changed. No mention of support or rejection. And considering my mom is online ALL THE TIME, this seems a pretty weird/lame excuse. She could call me, I even suggested it in a PS on my original e-mail (which I left off of the previous post).

She hasn't called. The two people in my family who've had the least to say about my coming out have been the two that are still most deeply entrenched in the church. I know that this is because they are following the adage "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". I realize she will need time to process, but I know that the reason she can't be immediately responsive is because she can't lie to herself or to me and tell me she's okay or that she supports me and that "nothing has changed"... because stuff has changed. I just threw a major kink into her vision for her children's future. And as an active memeber, she probably believes that my sexuality is a choice, or something she did wrong that caused it.

Frankly, (and it's going to sound cold to say this) I'm not going to let my mother worry me. I've extended my arms open to keep her a part of my life as I move into this new direction, and at this point the ball is in her court. She can either shoot the hoop or walk away. Who knows that that means, but the point remains. It's in her hands now.

I am sad she didn't call me, and I'm worried for what she might say in a longer e-mail.

Yikes.

Anyway, I'm lonely again on a Saturday night. *sigh*

The Letter's In The Mail

So I just hit send on my message to my mom. I felt like sharing it.

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Hey Mom,

I realize that it's been a long time since I wrote you a message of any major substance, but to be perfectly honest, I haven't really felt like talking to you much ever since you failed my litmus test.

You see, way back when I posted to my blog about the church's direct involvement with politics here in California, you responded by calling me a rebellious teenager, dismissed my questions and my invitation to discussion and understanding. I call this a litmus test because I've been filled with dread at the prospect of telling you something important.

I'm gay.

That's right, I like guys. I've known since I can remember, but I ran from it, fought it, prayed for it to go away, to change, so that I could be a good little Mormon and marry in the temple and go on a mission, but God has not seen fit to heal me.

I think that's because I'm not sick.

I've spent the best years of my life hiding, and being ashamed, and I'm not going to hide anymore. I'm slowly coming to accept and be at peace with myself as I am, and I hope you too can be at peace knowing that I love you and want you to be a part of my life.

I want to make it clear to you that this isn't anyone's "fault". You did the best you could raising all of your children--and I'm very blessed to have been sent to this earth to be in your care. I think of all the amazing things I was able to accomplish because of your unconditional love and support--my TV show, my radio show, plays, activities, etc. All because you chose to be a full-time mom.

You probably understand, better than most, the pain I've gone through in my life--you too had a vision of how your life was "supposed" to play out--you'd be married to a man for time and all eternity and raise many beautiful children who'd serve missions and have families--etc. And yet, something outside of your control sent you down a different path. I too grew up firmly believing that I should go on a mission, marry a woman in the temple, and have many children--and I really wanted that. But something outside of my control has sent me down a different path.

I wanted to tell you this in person, but I don't know how long it might be before I see you in person again, and I am tired of waiting to tell you.

Your loving son,

Ezra

Now, it's time to talk to Mother.

Well, I came out to my sister, and though on the surface she's taking it well, I think it's going to hit her a little while later the full implications of what I've told her.

I've made sure to emphasize that I always want her to feel like she can ask me anything and I'll be happy to answer the best that I can. The only question she asked me was "So what kinda guys are you attracted to?"

Hahaha, that's still a bit awkward for me to talk about, but I did my best to answer, and she just said "it just occured to me that we could talk about boys".

Weird.

Anyway, it's all good I guess. I think the funniest thing was that she said "Really?" and "For real?" when I said I was gay. I had to re-iterate three times before she simply shrugged "okay".

Not how I envisioned it, but it's all right I suppose.

Anyway, we've been doing some after-Christmas shopping around St. George today and trying to pick up good deals on Christmas crap for next year. It's been fun, but I do wish she'd talk to me a little bit more concerning my sexuality. I know she's got to be thinking about it.

Or maybe I'm just completely self-absorbed.

Well, be sure to pass this journal/blog around to all of your mohomies--I'd love to get some readers, because it'd almost definately motivate me to keep writing.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEW YEARS PARTY AT SCOTT'S HOUSE!!! See you all there, my Moho's!