October 21st, 2007

I’m starting to get more involved at church. It’s quite amazing, because it’s taken 4 years, but because of my fear and lack of confidence, I generally have felt unworthy or unwanted at church. It’s funny that as I’ve worked with Bishop O. I haven’t stopped being gay, but I have stopped feeling so angry and guilty about being gay, masturbating and hell, even pornography. I was expecting to be “cured” of this, but maybe the cure is learning your own self worth and realizing that guilt and fear are from Satan.—Love, confidence, trust—these are the tools of the Lord.

Well it’s time for bed. Keep faithful, love thy neighbor, and God will bless you and keep you. Good night!

19 Months Ago... June 28th, 2007

I haven't blogged in a while, and maybe because I don't have that much to say.  So instead I'll be opening up a journal entry from 19 months ago.  It is almost uncomfortable.

6/28/07
Dear Journal,

I’m not sure yet. This could be the day that you start making real progress towards heterosexuality—or it could be a day where you’ll look back and regret it. Today I told my Dad that I am struggling with same-sex attraction.  Homosexuality.

I honestly can’t believe that I told him. I bought this book on Amazon.com called “Coming Out Straight” by Richard Cohen, and I think it has helped me realize that I may have a chance to change. According to the book, there are many factors that can lead someone into SSA. I have a lot of them, and it really hit home.

When I told Dad, I cried and muttered along, trying to talk through the tears, and we held hands, he just let me get it all out before even speaking, and then he thanked me for trusting him enough to talk to him.

Then we stood and hugged, and I cried on his shoulder as he held me. I sobbed into his chest for a long time, but it wasn’t enough. Richard Cohen was right—touch/attachment therapy between father and son is important. I never wanted to let go. I’ve probably not cried in the presence of my father for 10 years. I’ve probably not been held like that since I was a child and it felt good, like I finally had a Dad. I’m not cured, and I’m not healed, but if anyone can help me, it’s probably him, since he’s the cause (direct or indirect) of most of these potential factors. He’s also good at emotional healing work. So maybe, with God’s help, the Bishop, Evergreen, myself, maybe D. H. (if I get the courage to ask him to help) I might be able to melt the pain in my heart that has caused these attractions. I’m scared of what is ahead, but I am grateful to be moving away from the darkness and into the light. There is SO much work to be done—I have such low self-esteem and confidence around men, poor body image, fear of women, inadequacy issues and who knows what else is hiding in my subconscious.

It’s funny. I have been asking God for a friend for the last few weeks, projecting developing a healthy friendship with someone, and maybe I’m supposed to heal and become friends with myself and my Dad. Could be?

There are so many thoughts whirling around in my head. Dad says he will do whatever he can to support me, maybe he can. We may do hormonal therapy, flower essences, emotional healing, and who knows what else. I want to become a real man with confidence, self-worth, and respect, and a deep belief that I am a child of God and he loves me as I am—I don’t have to please anyone else.

Dad says he loves me and wants me to know that I shouldn’t feel guilty for the way I feel. And that he feels change is possible, though even if I stay a homosexual, I’d still have his love and support and it wouldn’t change a thing between us.

I really wish I knew what he’s been thinking about all day. Is he even thinking about it?  I want to cry in his arms again.

I feel alone again.

Mom does not know and probably will not know about it until I am done with it (or close to it.)
I love my Mom, but I know (or at least I think I know) that her maturity level is not sufficient to be able to handle that kind of news appropriately. She’d get upset and cry and try to “pray the gay away”. But I already know that doesn’t work.

Sarah would be of the belief that I cannot change it and should accept it, and I’m not sure what Katie and David would think of it. Most of my friends feel the same way about SSA (that you can’t change it). I refuse to accept this because I know God places no burden upon us that we cannot carry—and I can’t carry these thoughts and feelings anymore.

Nothing has even been done yet, but already I have fears and doubts about this. Will the pain and suffering I dredge up be effective and heal me? Or will I be a more well-adjusted homosexual?

All of these fears and frustrations (sexual and mental) are being stacked on top of the lonely-ness of being here in the desert without any friends. Stacked on top of the boring, unfulfilling work I do, the hours of editing crappy footage for J. S.  Stacked on top of my inability to settle or be happy with a film idea and move forward in pre-production. Stacked on top of my concerns about money.

Welcome to adulthood, Ezra.

I need love and I need to get in touch with a very angry little boy who needs healing. I’m looking for a positive, happy relationship. Dad, I need your help. Help me. Help me. Feel me, touch me, heal me.

Sorry if that’s nonsense, I just felt like trying that.
So God, here’s a list (which isn’t all inclusive nor necessarily complete) of experiences I’d like to have and relationships I want.

-I want to have a family. As much as it is scary, because of my current feelings of inadequacy, I still want to experience the joys (and pains) of fatherhood. Please let me be a good father to a few of your spirit children, heavenly father. I would do my best to rear them in love and respect, with a firm foundation that I will never judge them and they can always talk to me.

An important part of this is to have a wife who loves me for who I really am. A woman who is physically attractive would be a wonderful experience, and if she could be supportive of me and the family, creative and spontaneous, a good homemaker, I will have to think more about this as I’ve never given this much thought.  If she is not Mormon I need to come to terms with marrying outside the church, but preferably she should be Mormon.  If the love is strong and the woman can accept me even having not gone on a mission, she should be smart and sound minded, but also be in touch with the guidance of the spirit so we can impart good wisdom and love to our kids.

God, I know thou can do anything, and that thou doest it on your timetable and as I further identify what I truly would like to experience in this life you will provide me with strength and understanding (of others and myself.) I realize I have a lot of forgiving of myself to do, and healing with my family, and I ask for special help with this as I have a tendency to worry and feel afraid and hold onto pain and punish myself for slipping up when I should just repent, forgive myself and move on. Thank you. I ask these blessings in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

This entry almost makes the me of 2009 uncomfortable.

June 17th, 2007 - The First Entry where I actually directly mention Homosexuality

6/17/07
Dear Journal,

It’s Father’s Day 2007. My brother and I got him a salt shaker and a pepper mill combo, since he needed a nice set that he could put on the dining room table. My brother got a double wide butter dish, since Dad broke his old one.

My brother didn’t feel up to going to church this week, so now I’m sitting alone on Father’s day with a a lot on my mind. I really wonder where my father is, and where I am, especially considering our own unique problems and issues. I do feel this church has truths, for example, I know pornography is destructive and a sin. It’s exploitative, vulgar, and makes light of something sacred. However, masterbation seems so innocent. It’s a way provided by our loving God to keep us from committing some more grave sin from sexual frustration and weakness.

But it also could just be rationalization of sinful behavior.

I have been struggling with same-gender attraction since, oh, I don’t know, 5th grade or so, maybe 1997 or 1996. 10 years. More than 10 years I’ve been hiding and suppressing what I really feel inside and it’s destroying me. Crushing me under guilt and sadness and suicidal thoughts. Since I started working with Bishop O. this spring, the suicidal thoughts have stopped (mostly). I masturbate a 1/10th of the times I used to, and for a time I even stopped viewing pornography. However, even when I was doing all those things, there was still so much I wasn’t doing—scriptures, prayer, etc. And through it all, the best I got was not thinking homosexual thoughts. But I never felt or feel attracted to a girl, and I still fantasized about guys. Basically I think almost all my energy and physical ailments stem from this lack of love, lack of expression and companionship. I am an actor, and I have played the role of a lifetime. Playing a happy, well-adjusted hetero-male, when I’m not. I want to come out, abandon this church and get all new-agey like Dad. But I’m so scared that I will be wrong, that I’ll disappoint people. Disappoint God. Besides, I’m fat and I don’t want to be gay. I do want a family and someone to be with so I won’t have to live my life alone.

Here in St. George, every time I see one of those cute tanned blond Mormon boys I cry because I worry that maybe I’d have been one of them if I’d had a different family of stayed in Utah. I meet people at checkout registers and wish I could ask them to be my friend without being super creepy and scary.

I had a brilliant idea the other day about being in a play—that way I could socialize, act and have some fun without being creepy.

Anyway, I’m also kinda sick. So that sucks, and hopefully will clear up.

Love yourself, since no one else will.

Ezra