November 20th, 2007

Dear Journal,

I just woke up from a dream about flying. It was rather vivid and though I’m a bit spotty on the details, I know this much:

I was on some journey in a very harsh but amazingly beautiful landscape. At first it was a desert but it later became a craggly, rocky coast with pine trees but it was other worldly in that the water was completely clear and still and there were these things in the water, bright, swirling patches mixing with one another. Reds, greens, browns, like algae blooms or something. Anyway, I was looking for something, with someone, but they weren’t physically there, like a narrator or still-small voice. The items I was trying to figure out were up in some rafters, and I some how got it into my head that I could fly up there if I wanted to, so I ran forward, leapt into the air, stuck out my arms and tried to fly. Well, I sort of flew, but had no control over my direction or altitude and I quickly slowed, glided and fell/descended. I kept trying and eventually I figured it out. I leapt into the air, riding updrafts, circling over the crystal clear water in a stunningly beautiful wilderness landscape. I dove down, gliding gliding just above the water, then climbed up again. But if I climbed too steeply for too long, I’d slow down and start to lose lift. It was thrilling and invigorating. Eventually I think I landed, but when I stopped I couldn’t get going again.

I’m not sure of the meaning of this dream, but I feel it represents my spiritual journey—if I could only figure out how to maintain the lift, how to get off the ground, I could SOAR. The narrator is the spirit, guiding me, but I must do the real work. It was a beautiful and marvelous dream. I hope I can fly like that someday.

November 18th, 2007

Dear Journal,

Today I received my Patriarchal Blessing. It seemed to be over far too soon, and I now must wait months to read it again. I felt the spirit so strongly. I pray that I will be able to hold on to the memories of exactly how I felt while receiving that blessing.

We chatted briefly before he started and I looked around [The Patriarch's] beautiful home, his wife, saw his children who have gone on missions and been married in the temple. I thought about how blessed this man was to receive such blessings. How God blesses them that follow him!

When he placed his hands on my head, they trembled as he waited for the inspiration and guidance from God to come down.

I began tearing up and holding back my sobbing throughout the entire blessing. I heard GOD talking through Patriarch Williams. The spirit FILLED me so greatly I felt the tears dripping off my cheeks and onto my shirt.

During the blessing, it was revealed that I am of the Lineage of Ephraim. I’m interested in learning now what that means for me.

One of the things he spoke of the almost made me burst into sobs was when I was told that one day I would go to the temple with a woman and be sealed to her—and eventually return to heaven as a family unit.

As I have been struggling, begging and pleading for relief from my homosexual feelings, I’ve always worried I would be alone forever, and that I’ll never overcome my tendencies. But I know that if I live the commandments and exalt God, I WILL have a family and a spouse—and we will return to heaven as a sealed family unit.

Another element that stuck out was that I was told that I had had many experiences that brought me joy, and many that brought sorrow and tears to my eyes—but that all these experiences were preparing me to be able to help others find the way to Christ and the gospel. It’s not good to speculate, but perhaps my struggle with homosexuality is preparing me to eventually help others who feel just as sad and desperate and alone as I have felt. But hopefully I will not have suffered in vain. I am grateful for the experience and the things that have made me who I am.

I was told that (paraphrased) “through my job I would have interactions with powerful controllers of the country” and that my example could/would help the church reach places that it cannot reach.

What job could that be I wonder. I can’t imagine and editor helping advance the church.

It was also revealed to me that one of my spiritual gifts is that of discernment. I am able to discern the needs of others and help them—I was admonished to use this talent to help others and not for selfish gain.

I was also admonished to go on a mission and be a missionary always. If I live worthily, I will be made a great spokesperson for the gospel.

As I reflect on this day, I am so concerned—the spirit faded so fast once the blessing was over, I didn’t want it to end. How can I receive that sort of spiritual high all the time? I crave it. I feel close to the Lord. First you must make the steps you’ve known all along. Read your scriptures, pray always and magnify your callings. Avoid sins like pornography and lustful thoughts and actions. Then you can receive the Melchezadic Priesthood and attend the temple.

That reminds me, I’m pretty sure that at one point in the blessing, I was told by God that I was in doubt of myself as a true son of God and that it was okay, as that’s part of my growth and the stage I’m at right now. However, I was counseled that I would receive the Melchezadic Priesthood and when I do, all doubt would be removed about my divine nature.

Since I am such a mortal, there have been times since I received the blessing that I’ve thought—“well, that sounds like a pretty generic outline for a standard Mormon life—maybe he says most of that stuff to everyone.” But then again, God knows the best path to happiness and immortality is the straight and narrow, so why should I be any different? Honestly, I don’t know what I expected in my blessing—I’d almost like to compare it with others to see how many people have very direct and specific mentions of eternal marriage. Mainly because that sticks out to me the most out of anything in the blessing. Probably because it speaks directly to my pleading for escape from these feelings of SSA. (Same-sex-attraction) I wish I could re-read the whole thing again, as it is so dense and packed with information for me from God!!!

I’m exhausted and spiritually I am uplifted. It’s been a fulfilling day and I’m sad it is coming to an end. However, the process I am in is an amazing one, and I am hoping to continue and become a good and faithful servant who is fortunate to come to earth at this time of opportunity.

October 21st, 2007

I’m starting to get more involved at church. It’s quite amazing, because it’s taken 4 years, but because of my fear and lack of confidence, I generally have felt unworthy or unwanted at church. It’s funny that as I’ve worked with Bishop O. I haven’t stopped being gay, but I have stopped feeling so angry and guilty about being gay, masturbating and hell, even pornography. I was expecting to be “cured” of this, but maybe the cure is learning your own self worth and realizing that guilt and fear are from Satan.—Love, confidence, trust—these are the tools of the Lord.

Well it’s time for bed. Keep faithful, love thy neighbor, and God will bless you and keep you. Good night!

August 23rd, 2007

Dear Journal,

What a blessing! I’ve got supportive straight male friends to bond with. It is true, I can’t measure my progress solely on my attraction to women. That will come in it’s own time. The highs and lows I’ve felt this summer have been awesome. (meaning awe inspiring and unbelievable, not necessarily good.) It seems like just a week ago I was heart broken and ready to leave God—but it’s foolish to try and leave someone who’s already with you! He’s been with me the whole time.

I’ve learned a lot from reading a book called “You Don’t Have To Be Gay” by Jeff Conrad. So much perspective, such good advice—from someone who has been there, and been in deeper and darker than I can imagine. And he is free!

What a sad thought, a helpless thought, to be unable to change. That is what Satan wants me to think, but God can help me fulfill the LEGITEMATE homo-emotional needs in my life. I was also uplifted by a fact pointed out in the book, which was that because I’ve not acted with others on these feelings, my healing process will be much easier and quicker than if I was deeply entrenched in a homosexual lifestyle.

I’m still praying for strength and additional guidance on who I should tell about these feelings. For a while, I considered telling Sarah, but I think since it’s been almost impossible to get her alone, God is telling me she is the wrong person to tell and I think she is, because she would probably tell me to give up, because I can’t have what I want!

So far, I’ve thought about Dan, John, and Marc. They all love and care about me, but would understand and probably support my work in fulfilling my homo-emotional needs.

I should probably check in with Bishop O.—I think he’d be proud of me not giving up, even considering the hardships I’ve been through.

I’m so grateful for my friends and the positive energy they help me sustain.

Part of what “You Don’t Have To Be Gay” was saying is that you need to fufill your legitimate homo-emotional needs, be accepted as “one of the guys” and received healthy, non-sexual affirmations of masculinity. Well, I felt that I was pretty comfortable around guys, but when I was invited by Aaron and his friend Patrick to go lift weights at the gym, I remembered a huge area of discomfort and inadequacy. Physical—I’ve felt inferior as a man because of my fat and my alienation from sports and male bonding type activities because when I tried and wasn’t as good as the other boys, I felt like a failure, miserable, inadequate. Just writing that starts many blocked or long-repressed memories emerge. No being able to earn the physical fitness merit badge in Scouts, coming in dead last at the Klondike Derby sled race, never being able to do pull-ups, never getting better than a 12 minute mile in gym, doing modified pushups, being too slow to run bases, too fat to keep up with the ball in soccer, but too slow to be a good goalie. The list goes on. But instead of persevering and getting better, I reacted by thinking I was a failure and inadequate as a boy/man.

This compounded by having no really strong masculine role-model in my life, I had no one to help me understand. When I “showed” my penis to Justin, I had no man in my life to tell me that curiosity was okay, but I should try to limit that behavior. I remember how ashamed and sad I was that I’d done something “gay”.

It’s been a slow process, ending up where I am now—I didn’t get born gay, but I’ve been fighting these emotions for so long that I felt like I’d been born with them.

But I went weight lifting with Aaron and it was a little awkward, but Aaron was my guide, my advocate, my friend and he didn’t leave me to flounder. He supported me and affirmed my masculinity—which is precisely what I need!

I’ve talked with Jon about lifting with me when I get back to school, and he’s all for it. Yippee!

It could be a turning point. In a year or two, I can be who I really want to be. I am so glad that I know of my agency and can learn to retrain my responses.

The think I’d really hope to accomplish is to heal some of my emotional wounds with my parents. I need to find someone who can help me work through those feelings. It’s funny that I’ve spent more time with my Dad this summer than I probably have in my life (or at least the last 14 years).

God, please help me to feel this hope I have in my heart right now in my heart EVERY DAY. Please guide me and show me the path you want me to walk. I’m so grateful for all the gifts, talents, friends, and experiences in my life that have made me who I am today.

Until we meet again!

August 19th, 2007

Dear Journal,

I’ve been unable to accomplish much today as I’ve continued to be lost in thought about me, sexuality, the Mormon Church, Seth, and my future in general. You can imagine that I’d still like to be straight. I’d like to have a family and a loving, intimate relationship. I imagine my infatuation with Seth will eventually wear off, but in the mean time I’m still stuck thinking about him. Part of me just wants to call him and pry him for answers. Is he remaining celibate as a homosexual? Or has he done anything with his desires? Has he read the literature about “going straight” and does he think it’s possible?

I’m still waiting on a response from my last e-mail. The e-mail where I asked him if he felt a strong connection. Maybe I freaked him out, or maybe he sensed I was gay. (Though I doubt it)

I wanted to call Sarah today and talk to her about it. But she was in public with her friend Aajonus so it didn’t seem appropriate. I want to change my sexuality, but I have no idea how. Perhaps I should give it one more semester or year before I abandon it all. After all, I do want to get my Patriachial Blessing. Maybe it can offer som insight.

Dad says that God never works through fear or shame. But the Mormon Church is all about fear and shame. No, let me rephrase that. The Mormon people are often about shame. I feel ashamed just being in a mind set which I didn’t choose to be in. A series of events put me here, and so far, I haven’t been progressing far in spite of seeking lots of help.

Seth seems to have a friend on myspace who’s refusing to act on his homosexual desires, just like me. He said that until Jesus changes him, he’s happy to remain single. He doesn’t like to think about it as being alone, because he is never alone. I realize that God loves me, and I never have to earn that love, for it is that love which is the definition of unconditional.

What are the things that happened in my life that caused my homosexual identity to become dominant?

1. Absent Father—when I was very young, Dad was always away on business trips. Maybe I developed the idea that he didn’t really enjoy spending time with us, and then when my parents divorced when I was six years old, I thought it was my fault because Dad didn’t want to have more than two kids.

This seems strange to me, though, because it wasn’t just my Dad. Because I loved being with him. We went fishing one time and he killed a fish and it grossed me out—maybe I felt like a sissy.

Did Dad ever re-affirm my masculinity?

2. I didn’t participate in any “manly” activities like sports teams or athletics. This is probably more Mom’s fault, but because athletic events often happened on Sundays. I think I got the impression I couldn’t do them. Plus, after the divorce, I was so confused and felt so worthless that I slowly got fatter and fatter and fatter, and here I am today at 280 pounds. I’ve never felt comfortable with other men, particularly playing sports.

3. I have an overbearing mother who taught me (perhaps inadvertently) that men are evil scum, and to please her I became the opposite of the guys I knew—smart, polite, good in school. This is undoubtedly a possible reason.

4. Having some “mildy gay” experiences at childhood which I probably should have attributed to curiousity, and at the time probably was, but instead I assumed that made me gay.

5. I’m clumsy and have low body image and self esteem.

6. Because I’ve never dated or done anything with a girl, I feel inadequate as a guy. The key component to recovery is to stop blaming others in order to avoid taking responsibility for your own actions.

7. When I was in Boy Scounts, I didn’t earn the merit badges, advancement, etc. and was made to feel inferior and consequently less masculine.

8. Because of my Mormon upbringing/homosexual tendencies, I don’t feel comfortable talking with guys about girls and sex, because I’ve never done it and am basically clueless. It’s cyclical because I am not going to fix that problem without violating some core beliefs.

I’m going to leave the rest of this page open for further revelations.

August 18th, 2007

Dear Journal,

It’s strange to even think about it. I am in love/have a crush. Let me rewind and explain.

Seth contacted me on Couchsurfing.com. He’s a 22 year old filmmaker from NY. Probably one of the most amazing spirits I’ve encountered in a long time. When he arrived, we walked and talked and I started to realize that he acted and talked the way I used to. Excited, full of life, friendly. We were joined by Nick, (the other person I’ve met this summer.) and we went to Sand Hollow Resevoir. We all played and splashed in the water and had a great time. We swam out to the island in the resevoir and jumped into the water.

There was one place where it was 17-20 jump into the water! It was an adrenaline rushing experience.

Anyway, because Kim was staying with us too, Seth slept in my room and we stayed up late (til 4am) talking about everything. Religion, politics, film, sexuality, etc. He is a gay Christian. We talk about what that was like. I lied and pretended I was straight. But when he left Friday morning I felt an emptiness inside. I’ve never felt this sad, even when leaving my best friends or family behind. This was a new experience that I’ve never encountered before. A new sensation. I couldn’t get anything done at work, I just kept thinking about him. How he’d burst into snippets of song, how he’d look me in the eye and smile when talking to me. Everyone loved him—Steven, Kim, David, Nick. He’s everything I wish I was. Smart, winning personality, great heart, openly gay but still maintains Christian beliefs. He’s athletic, thin and beautiful. He’s not like some waxed porno star—he had a hairy chest, but he’s tall and thin. Beautiful both inside and out.

This is so frustrating. I want to just tell him how I feel, give up on trying to “fix” my sexuality and be with someone like Seth. He’s exactly the type of person I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. I didn’t want him to leave and for the last two days I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. I talked to Dad about it today, and that was nice, to have someone to share my feelings with. Just knowing how non-judgemental my father is has been good for our relationship.

I think the most frustrating thing of all is that even if I were to embrace homosexuality and tell Seth how I really feel, he’d probably be disgusted with me for lying to him and basically working to be straight, and he probably feels nothing for me. I’m fat and ugly and he’s an attractive gay male. He could get any guy he wants. Why would he want some emotionally scarred closet case fatso?

Or maybe he felt the connection too. But probably not, since I told him I’m straight, so he probably never even considered it. But oh, how I wish he did.

I am scared for my mental health because I’m starting to act like Joe Collesano, when he was projecting himself into relationships that didn’t exist. I wish we could watch a movie together, relaxing on the couch, holding each other in our arms… but it’s a stupid thought, and my mind knows this, but my heart aches/longs/pines for his companionship again.

But he’d never be attracted to me because I’m a coward—I’ve hid from myself and who I am for so long. I want to abandon the Mormon Church. When I talk to Dad, his beliefs are so clean and based on love. I want to feel happy from inside, and I can’t feel that right now living the way I’m living. God will give us no burden that we can’t handle.—but maybe it has to be handled differently. Do I have to bear my homosexuality for the rest of my life? Can’t I have someone in my life to cuddle and love?

I’m starting to repeat myself, but needless to say, I’m missing Seth a lot, even though I only met him for a few hours. There’s a special connection (at least with me.) and I just e-mailed him about it tonight (about having a “connection”) I’m nervous to see what he says. I just can’t get over the way he’d smile. Such a beautiful smile, like he really liked me and cared about what I was saying.

When he left, I gave him a “hug/shake” where you shake hands and then pull the other person in for a pat on the back. I wish I could have gotten a real hug. I liked getting a hug from him. *sigh* I’ve been sighing a lot in the last two days.

Well, I should move on from talking about Seth.

On Saturday, (today) I met up with Aaron (from Harrisonburg, VA) who’s going to Dixie State. I went to Sand Hollow with him and his two new girlfriends, Liza (from Hawaii) and Mandy (from Colorado) we had a great time splashing and diving into the rocks. Now I’m home and our four couchsurfers are here. Norah, Estelle, Lorenzo, and Angela. They are Tufts students road-tripping back to Boston (well, Sommerville) over like 3 weeks. They all seem really nice and they’re headed to Zion National Park tomorrow to hike Angel’s Landing. I should probably wrap this up, I’ve been writing for 45 minutes.

An Undated Note...

(I’m unsure when this was written, as it is an undated note, but it was written in the summer of 2007.)

“Why is Joseph wearing this fruity jacket? He should be wearing something macho—leather or combat fatigues” –Advertising execs at Christian Booksellers.

“Do we want kids to turn out gay because of the Bible story with a fruity coat?”

June 28th, 2007

Dear Journal,

I’m not sure yet. This could be the day that you start making real progress towards heterosexuality—or it could be a day where you’ll look back and regret it. Today I told my Dad that I am struggling with same-sex attraction. Homosexuality.

I honestly can’t believe that I told him. I bought this book on Amazon.com called “Coming Out Straight” by Richard Cohen, and I think it has helped me realize that I may have a chance to change. According to the book, there are many factors that can lead someone into SSA. I have a lot of them, and it really hit home.

When I told Dad, I cried and muttered along, trying to talk through the tears, and we held hands, he just let me get it all out before even speaking, and then he thanked me for trusting him enough to talk to him.

Then we stood and hugged, and I cried on his shoulder as he held me. I sobbed into his chest for a long time, but it wasn’t enough. Richard Cohen was right—touch/attachment therapy between father and son is important. I never wanted to let go. I’ve probably not cried in the presence of my father for 10 years. I’ve probably not been held like that since I was a child and it felt good, like I finally had a Dad. I’m not cured, and I’m not healed, but if anyone can help me, it’s probably him, since he’s the cause (direct or indirect) of most of these potential factors. He’s also good at emotional healing work. So maybe, with God’s help, the Bishop, Evergreen, myself, maybe Dan (if I get the courage to ask him to help) I might be able to melt the pain in my heart that has caused these attractions. I’m scared of what is ahead, but I am grateful to be moving away from the darkness and into the light. There is SO much work to be done—I have such low self-esteem and confidence around men, poor body image, fear of women, inadequacy issues and who knows what else is hiding in my subconscious.

It’s funny. I have been asking God for a friend for the last few weeks, projecting developing a healthy friendship with someone, and maybe I’m supposed to heal and become friends with myself and my Dad. Could be?

There are so many thoughts whirling around in my head. Dad says he will do whatever he can to support me, maybe he can. We may do hormonal therapy, flower essences, emotional healing, and who knows what else. I want to become a real man with confidence, self-worth, and respect, and a deep belief that I am a child of God and he loves me as I am—I don’t have to please anyone else.

Dad says he loves me and wants me to know that I shouldn’t feel guilty for the way I feel. And that he feels change is possible, though even if I stay a homosexual, I’d still have his love and support and it wouldn’t change a thing between us.

I really wish I knew what he’s been thinking about all day. Is he even thinking about it. I want to cry in his arms again.

I feel alone again.

Mom does not know and probably will not know about it until I am done with it (or close to it.)

I love my Mom, but I know (or at least I think I know) that her maturity level is not sufficient to be able to handle that kind of news appropriately. She’d get upset and cry and try to “pray the gay away”. But I already know that doesn’t work.

Sarah would be of the belief that I cannot change it and should accept it, and I’m not sure what Katie and David would think of it. Most of my friends feel the same way about SSA (that you can’t change it). I refuse to accept this because I know God places no burden upon us that we cannot carry—and I can’t carry these thoughts and feelings anymore.

Nothing has even been done yet, but already I have fears and doubts about this. Will the pain and suffering I dredge up be effective and heal me? Or will I be a more well-adjusted homosexual?

All of these fears and frustrations (sexual and mental) are being stacked on top of the lonely-ness of being here in the desert without any friends. Stacked on top of the boring, unfulfilling work I do, the hours of editing crappy footage for J-Sasseville. Stacked on top of my inability to settle or be happy with a film idea and move forward in pre-production. Stacked on top of my concerns about money.

Welcome to adulthood, Ezra.

I’m writing this with my right hand. I need love and I need to get in touch with a very angry little boy who needs healing. I’m looking for a positive, happy relationship. Dad, I need your help. Help me. Help me. Feel me, touch me, heal me.

Sorry if that’s nonsense, I just felt like trying that.

So God, here’s a list (which isn’t all inclusive nor nessicerily complete) of experiences I’d like to have and relationships I want.

-I want to have a family. As much as it is scary, because of my current feelings of inadequacy, I still want to experience the joys (and pains) of fatherhood. Please let me be a good father to a few of your spirit children, heavenly father. I would do my best to rear them in love and respect, with a firm foundation that I will never judge them and they can always talk to me.

An important part of this is to have a wife who loves me for who I really am. A woman who is physically attractive would be a wonderful experience, and if she could be supportive of me and the family, creative and spontaneous, a good homemaker, I will have to think more about this as I’ve never given this much thought. If she is not Mormon I need to come to terms with marrying outside the church, but preferably she should be Mormon. If the love is strong and the woman can accept me even having not gone on a mission, she should be smart and sound minded, but also be in touch with the guidance of the spirit so we can impart good wisdom and love to our kids.

God, I know thou can do anything, and that thou doest it be your timetable and as I further identify what I truly would like to experience in this life you will provide me with strength and understanding (of others and myself.) I realize I have a lot of forgiving of myself to do, and healing with my family, and I ask for special help with this as I have a tendency to worry and feel afraid and hold onto pain and punish myself for slipping up when I should just repent, forgive myself and move on. Thank you. I ask these blessings in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

June 25th, 2007

Dear Journal,

It’s been a long week. On Monday I volunteered at the Church cannery and probably moved 6,000 cans of apricots in my four hour shift. Later, during the week, I got really depressed about having no friends and my struggle with homosexuality. So I called and talked to Bishop O. I tried not to cry when I was on the phone with him. But it did make me feel better. I need to persue making friends with Gunnar. I think he and I should make good friends. I’m just to creeped out to go to “Zumiez” in the mall and talk to him. Call it fear, stupidity, or maybe I’m nervous that he’ll see through me, see that I’m not a very good Mormon, or even that I’m gay. Fear. Discomfort. Anguish. These are the things that make me who I am. Am I really just an “underdeveloped” man who never developed his manhood and so he longs for the manhood of another? Or am I doomed by God because of some sin? Who knows.

Moving on, this week Dad had his Herb Walk this week, and it was very successful. Everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves and I seemed to be really liked by all the women who visited. In particular, Tanya from California. She seemed to really like me and she was a sweet old lady—I carried her backpack for her into Zion because it was hard for her to walk. She was such a trooper, I’m hoping to keep in touch with her.

Did a little budgeting today and I’m still wondering how I’m going to afford school. I imagine God will take care of me, especially as I have a testimony of the power of tithing and have been paying in full. This morning I ran for as long as I could at 8am. I couldn’t get far, but I’m going to try to get up each morning and run until I have to stop, and hopefully reverse my obesity. Wish me luck and persistence.

A New Series

Starting tomorrow, I'll be posting a journal entry from the summer and fall of 2007 every day until July 5th.

I'm not really sure why I want to do this. It's old news, it's angst and pain and not particularly pleasant for present day me to read--maybe because I still feel like I gave up.

Tell me if you think this is a bad idea... I've posted old journal entries before, but I couldn't really tell what people thought about them.

To get you started, feel free to read this entry, from June 17th, 2007, which I posted back in December. It'll all move forward from there.

Ezra is MORTIFIED

In case you weren't in the Bay Area on April 17th, here's an audio recording of my performance. I recorded it with my digital still camera, which was sitting behind a booth. If you find it hard to hear--tough cookies, If I could have gotten a board feed I would've!



For those who might not want/care to listen, you can download a PDF of the piece, here. But trust me, it's more fun to hear me read it and hear the audience reactions.

19 Months Ago... June 28th, 2007

I haven't blogged in a while, and maybe because I don't have that much to say.  So instead I'll be opening up a journal entry from 19 months ago.  It is almost uncomfortable.

6/28/07
Dear Journal,

I’m not sure yet. This could be the day that you start making real progress towards heterosexuality—or it could be a day where you’ll look back and regret it. Today I told my Dad that I am struggling with same-sex attraction.  Homosexuality.

I honestly can’t believe that I told him. I bought this book on Amazon.com called “Coming Out Straight” by Richard Cohen, and I think it has helped me realize that I may have a chance to change. According to the book, there are many factors that can lead someone into SSA. I have a lot of them, and it really hit home.

When I told Dad, I cried and muttered along, trying to talk through the tears, and we held hands, he just let me get it all out before even speaking, and then he thanked me for trusting him enough to talk to him.

Then we stood and hugged, and I cried on his shoulder as he held me. I sobbed into his chest for a long time, but it wasn’t enough. Richard Cohen was right—touch/attachment therapy between father and son is important. I never wanted to let go. I’ve probably not cried in the presence of my father for 10 years. I’ve probably not been held like that since I was a child and it felt good, like I finally had a Dad. I’m not cured, and I’m not healed, but if anyone can help me, it’s probably him, since he’s the cause (direct or indirect) of most of these potential factors. He’s also good at emotional healing work. So maybe, with God’s help, the Bishop, Evergreen, myself, maybe D. H. (if I get the courage to ask him to help) I might be able to melt the pain in my heart that has caused these attractions. I’m scared of what is ahead, but I am grateful to be moving away from the darkness and into the light. There is SO much work to be done—I have such low self-esteem and confidence around men, poor body image, fear of women, inadequacy issues and who knows what else is hiding in my subconscious.

It’s funny. I have been asking God for a friend for the last few weeks, projecting developing a healthy friendship with someone, and maybe I’m supposed to heal and become friends with myself and my Dad. Could be?

There are so many thoughts whirling around in my head. Dad says he will do whatever he can to support me, maybe he can. We may do hormonal therapy, flower essences, emotional healing, and who knows what else. I want to become a real man with confidence, self-worth, and respect, and a deep belief that I am a child of God and he loves me as I am—I don’t have to please anyone else.

Dad says he loves me and wants me to know that I shouldn’t feel guilty for the way I feel. And that he feels change is possible, though even if I stay a homosexual, I’d still have his love and support and it wouldn’t change a thing between us.

I really wish I knew what he’s been thinking about all day. Is he even thinking about it?  I want to cry in his arms again.

I feel alone again.

Mom does not know and probably will not know about it until I am done with it (or close to it.)
I love my Mom, but I know (or at least I think I know) that her maturity level is not sufficient to be able to handle that kind of news appropriately. She’d get upset and cry and try to “pray the gay away”. But I already know that doesn’t work.

Sarah would be of the belief that I cannot change it and should accept it, and I’m not sure what Katie and David would think of it. Most of my friends feel the same way about SSA (that you can’t change it). I refuse to accept this because I know God places no burden upon us that we cannot carry—and I can’t carry these thoughts and feelings anymore.

Nothing has even been done yet, but already I have fears and doubts about this. Will the pain and suffering I dredge up be effective and heal me? Or will I be a more well-adjusted homosexual?

All of these fears and frustrations (sexual and mental) are being stacked on top of the lonely-ness of being here in the desert without any friends. Stacked on top of the boring, unfulfilling work I do, the hours of editing crappy footage for J. S.  Stacked on top of my inability to settle or be happy with a film idea and move forward in pre-production. Stacked on top of my concerns about money.

Welcome to adulthood, Ezra.

I need love and I need to get in touch with a very angry little boy who needs healing. I’m looking for a positive, happy relationship. Dad, I need your help. Help me. Help me. Feel me, touch me, heal me.

Sorry if that’s nonsense, I just felt like trying that.
So God, here’s a list (which isn’t all inclusive nor necessarily complete) of experiences I’d like to have and relationships I want.

-I want to have a family. As much as it is scary, because of my current feelings of inadequacy, I still want to experience the joys (and pains) of fatherhood. Please let me be a good father to a few of your spirit children, heavenly father. I would do my best to rear them in love and respect, with a firm foundation that I will never judge them and they can always talk to me.

An important part of this is to have a wife who loves me for who I really am. A woman who is physically attractive would be a wonderful experience, and if she could be supportive of me and the family, creative and spontaneous, a good homemaker, I will have to think more about this as I’ve never given this much thought.  If she is not Mormon I need to come to terms with marrying outside the church, but preferably she should be Mormon.  If the love is strong and the woman can accept me even having not gone on a mission, she should be smart and sound minded, but also be in touch with the guidance of the spirit so we can impart good wisdom and love to our kids.

God, I know thou can do anything, and that thou doest it on your timetable and as I further identify what I truly would like to experience in this life you will provide me with strength and understanding (of others and myself.) I realize I have a lot of forgiving of myself to do, and healing with my family, and I ask for special help with this as I have a tendency to worry and feel afraid and hold onto pain and punish myself for slipping up when I should just repent, forgive myself and move on. Thank you. I ask these blessings in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

This entry almost makes the me of 2009 uncomfortable.

May 23rd, 2001

And the bottom dropped out.

Dear Journal,

Today was another “bad day” in my effort, or lack thereof. I felt so worthless. I didn’t get anything done. Sometimes I wish I were dead, but I think that right now I’d go to hell, so either here or there is pain. There’s no escape. Ezra Horne.

This entry is so brief, and yet it's wording so intense that it makes me uncomfortable in many ways. I wish I could go back, I wish I could sit down with myself and set the record straight, but I can't.

It's so frustrating to thing of all the years I wasted feeling guilty and shameful--all of which was so draining, instead of focusing on service, helping others, and other self improvement. And yet, sometimes I feel like that is how I'm supposed to see it, and I've just been won over by evil...

May 22nd, 2001

Wow, I was a horny little kid.

Dear Journal,

Really bad low today.  5 m’s or more, not sure.  Anyway, Mr. M., my science teacher is in Boston for surgery so he won’t be back this year.  It’s too bad.  I’ve been listening to the tape of the 5/18/01 radio show.  I really like it.  Anyway, I did my homework and looked at my movie’s “What?!?!” script.  I realized that it’s really funny.  I am going to finish it before I leave.  BTW, Rosebud is Kane’s sled!  Ezra Horne.

Nice to see I had a sense of humor in spite of my crippling shame.

May 21st, 2001

But I could only go two days.  It makes me cringe--I couldn't even write the words.

Dear Journal,

Today I had a major setback-recession if you will.  After a weekend of abstention, I did two P’s and 4 m’s—oh man, this is not cool at all.  I read an article in the newest issue of The New Era, and there was a short article on passing the sacrament by.  It made me feel funny because I have to do that.  Hopefully I’ll have the courage to talk to the Bishop about my other problem. [gay pornography/being gay] I love Jesus Christ and his plan of repentance.  It lets me make mistakes without condemning me forever.  Goodnight.  Ezra Horne.

No, but I condemned myself.

May 20th, 2001

The next day was successful and productive.

Dear Journal,

We went to church today and made the other batch of ice cream. I cleaned the spice cupboards, the cans area and the “snack rack”, as well as helped my brother make the gardens all afternoon. We lined the patches with bricks and/or the giant Lincoln logs and then put seeds in and mulched the area. We also fixed the steps that had gotten broken and planted a lilac bush. Anyway, I am confused about my math work, so I’m gonna try again tomorrow morning. Well, it’s 10:14, so I gotta go—it’s been 48 hours or more! Night! Ezra Horne.

“I will not drown in shallow waters”

I was so proud of myself.

May 19th, 2001

Over the next couple days, I'll be posting A short series of journal entries from May of 2001.

Dear Journal,

Today was mostly all work.  We roto-tilled the garden and planted potatoes and cleaned the downstairs, and I went all day today!  Tomorrow’s Sunday and we’re gonna go to church.  We made cakes and homemade vanilla ice cream.  I don’t wanna say much today—goodnight.  Ezra Horne.

More to come.

June 17th, 2007 - The First Entry where I actually directly mention Homosexuality

6/17/07
Dear Journal,

It’s Father’s Day 2007. My brother and I got him a salt shaker and a pepper mill combo, since he needed a nice set that he could put on the dining room table. My brother got a double wide butter dish, since Dad broke his old one.

My brother didn’t feel up to going to church this week, so now I’m sitting alone on Father’s day with a a lot on my mind. I really wonder where my father is, and where I am, especially considering our own unique problems and issues. I do feel this church has truths, for example, I know pornography is destructive and a sin. It’s exploitative, vulgar, and makes light of something sacred. However, masterbation seems so innocent. It’s a way provided by our loving God to keep us from committing some more grave sin from sexual frustration and weakness.

But it also could just be rationalization of sinful behavior.

I have been struggling with same-gender attraction since, oh, I don’t know, 5th grade or so, maybe 1997 or 1996. 10 years. More than 10 years I’ve been hiding and suppressing what I really feel inside and it’s destroying me. Crushing me under guilt and sadness and suicidal thoughts. Since I started working with Bishop O. this spring, the suicidal thoughts have stopped (mostly). I masturbate a 1/10th of the times I used to, and for a time I even stopped viewing pornography. However, even when I was doing all those things, there was still so much I wasn’t doing—scriptures, prayer, etc. And through it all, the best I got was not thinking homosexual thoughts. But I never felt or feel attracted to a girl, and I still fantasized about guys. Basically I think almost all my energy and physical ailments stem from this lack of love, lack of expression and companionship. I am an actor, and I have played the role of a lifetime. Playing a happy, well-adjusted hetero-male, when I’m not. I want to come out, abandon this church and get all new-agey like Dad. But I’m so scared that I will be wrong, that I’ll disappoint people. Disappoint God. Besides, I’m fat and I don’t want to be gay. I do want a family and someone to be with so I won’t have to live my life alone.

Here in St. George, every time I see one of those cute tanned blond Mormon boys I cry because I worry that maybe I’d have been one of them if I’d had a different family of stayed in Utah. I meet people at checkout registers and wish I could ask them to be my friend without being super creepy and scary.

I had a brilliant idea the other day about being in a play—that way I could socialize, act and have some fun without being creepy.

Anyway, I’m also kinda sick. So that sucks, and hopefully will clear up.

Love yourself, since no one else will.

Ezra