Thursday, July 2, 2009

August 23rd, 2007

Dear Journal,

What a blessing! I’ve got supportive straight male friends to bond with. It is true, I can’t measure my progress solely on my attraction to women. That will come in it’s own time. The highs and lows I’ve felt this summer have been awesome. (meaning awe inspiring and unbelievable, not necessarily good.) It seems like just a week ago I was heart broken and ready to leave God—but it’s foolish to try and leave someone who’s already with you! He’s been with me the whole time.

I’ve learned a lot from reading a book called “You Don’t Have To Be Gay” by Jeff Conrad. So much perspective, such good advice—from someone who has been there, and been in deeper and darker than I can imagine. And he is free!

What a sad thought, a helpless thought, to be unable to change. That is what Satan wants me to think, but God can help me fulfill the LEGITEMATE homo-emotional needs in my life. I was also uplifted by a fact pointed out in the book, which was that because I’ve not acted with others on these feelings, my healing process will be much easier and quicker than if I was deeply entrenched in a homosexual lifestyle.

I’m still praying for strength and additional guidance on who I should tell about these feelings. For a while, I considered telling Sarah, but I think since it’s been almost impossible to get her alone, God is telling me she is the wrong person to tell and I think she is, because she would probably tell me to give up, because I can’t have what I want!

So far, I’ve thought about Dan, John, and Marc. They all love and care about me, but would understand and probably support my work in fulfilling my homo-emotional needs.

I should probably check in with Bishop O.—I think he’d be proud of me not giving up, even considering the hardships I’ve been through.

I’m so grateful for my friends and the positive energy they help me sustain.

Part of what “You Don’t Have To Be Gay” was saying is that you need to fufill your legitimate homo-emotional needs, be accepted as “one of the guys” and received healthy, non-sexual affirmations of masculinity. Well, I felt that I was pretty comfortable around guys, but when I was invited by Aaron and his friend Patrick to go lift weights at the gym, I remembered a huge area of discomfort and inadequacy. Physical—I’ve felt inferior as a man because of my fat and my alienation from sports and male bonding type activities because when I tried and wasn’t as good as the other boys, I felt like a failure, miserable, inadequate. Just writing that starts many blocked or long-repressed memories emerge. No being able to earn the physical fitness merit badge in Scouts, coming in dead last at the Klondike Derby sled race, never being able to do pull-ups, never getting better than a 12 minute mile in gym, doing modified pushups, being too slow to run bases, too fat to keep up with the ball in soccer, but too slow to be a good goalie. The list goes on. But instead of persevering and getting better, I reacted by thinking I was a failure and inadequate as a boy/man.

This compounded by having no really strong masculine role-model in my life, I had no one to help me understand. When I “showed” my penis to Justin, I had no man in my life to tell me that curiosity was okay, but I should try to limit that behavior. I remember how ashamed and sad I was that I’d done something “gay”.

It’s been a slow process, ending up where I am now—I didn’t get born gay, but I’ve been fighting these emotions for so long that I felt like I’d been born with them.

But I went weight lifting with Aaron and it was a little awkward, but Aaron was my guide, my advocate, my friend and he didn’t leave me to flounder. He supported me and affirmed my masculinity—which is precisely what I need!

I’ve talked with Jon about lifting with me when I get back to school, and he’s all for it. Yippee!

It could be a turning point. In a year or two, I can be who I really want to be. I am so glad that I know of my agency and can learn to retrain my responses.

The think I’d really hope to accomplish is to heal some of my emotional wounds with my parents. I need to find someone who can help me work through those feelings. It’s funny that I’ve spent more time with my Dad this summer than I probably have in my life (or at least the last 14 years).

God, please help me to feel this hope I have in my heart right now in my heart EVERY DAY. Please guide me and show me the path you want me to walk. I’m so grateful for all the gifts, talents, friends, and experiences in my life that have made me who I am today.

Until we meet again!

1 comment:

  1. It's fascinating to me to read these journal entries. You were so much more honest with yourself than I ever was. Even to myself I could never admit to being anything other than the perfect "mission then marriage" Mormon boy--obviously straight because how could I possibly be anything else?