Does anyone have any feedback or thoughts on my two year old way of thinking? I was a bit disappointed at the lack of feedback and commentary on my entries. It made me wonder if perhaps people were just in shock at how obsessive and scary I was about trying to change my sexuality. I don't know.
But you can see how much I wanted to be straight. You can see how hard I was trying to make myself straight. You can understand my frustrations and my pain.
I'm concerned that my progress is still so insignificant. I still don't see being gay as a blessing or a gift. I still see it as a flaw, a defect. I no longer feel guilty about it--any more than someone who was born with any genetic defect has no say or fault in the matter. I wish I could see my homosexuality the same way I see, say, my left-handedness.
I love being left handed--sure, the world is set up for right-handed people. My life might be a little easier if I was right handed--but I don't really think about it--it doesn't matter, because I'm proud to be left handed. It makes me special, and I feel happy when I consider that left handed people are often more creative as they are right brain dominant.
So why can't I embrace my sexuality in the same way? Why do you think, especially after reading these very personal journals, I still perceive it as a flaw? For those who DO feel proud and happy about being gay--how did you arrive there? What changed your point of view?
I don't have any feedback except to say that my blog has merely become a reaction to yours of late. I've been pretty busy. I work odd hours and stay up late with political stuff and with friends, and hardly find the time to write any longer. When I do write something meaningful, you're my inspiration.
ReplyDeleteWe were all fucked by the Mormon god as children.
So why can't I embrace my sexuality in the same way? Why do you think, especially after reading these very personal journals, I still perceive it as a flaw? For those who DO feel proud and happy about being gay--how did you arrive there? What changed your point of view?
I feel proud to be a heterosexual. I'm happy about it and wouldn't change it for anything. When I say heterosexual I mean specifically a normal heterosexual; rather than a repressed, hung-up Mormon who pretends to be perfect but is banging a barely legal teenager or two on the side he picked up prowling the community college, or one who is fucking his secretary. I'm not a fucked up crypto-polygamist like my maternal grandfather was, who had a zillion different kids until he was eighty years old by various different women. I've been married nearly 15 years to the same woman, and at 39 I can boast about that, because I'm one of a tiny fraction of people in my entire extended Mormon family who can say as much. Whether they want to admit it or not, the reason I have stayed married is due to the fact that I've abandoned the regressive, patriarchal nonsense so many of them cling to.
I'm totally at peace with who I am. As I've read your blog I've realized that this has less to do with heterosexuality than simply embracing a healthier view of love, sex and relationships than the one we both grew up with. I know it might be easy to think that your major difficulty is as a homosexual, but I don't think you and I are as different as we might at first assume.
Ezra, Greg has beaten me to it. He said exactly what I was going to say: it has less to do with sexual orientation than with simply adopting healthier attitudes toward love, sex and relationships generally. I would also add the confidence of personal accomplishment which strengthens a solid sense of self-worth.
ReplyDeleteI didn't win all of life's lotteries, but I was lucky enough to grow up surrounded by lots of love and encouragement. Life was always a wonderful adventure to be excited about. By contrast, being gay was always a negative--as long as I was in the closet. Now that I'm out, and can finally be open about who I am, being gay is just another part of the wonderful adventure along with everything else. It has its down sides like anything, of course, but on the whole, I'm delighted to be gay. There is so much that is so cool about it. And in all good faith I am delighted that Greg is just as happy to be straight. I think that's just as wonderful for him as being gay is for me.
Goes back to Greg's point. Ultimately it's not about the orientation, I think. It's about the fundamental, basic attitudes and enthusiasm and confidence with which you embrace life and love and relationships in general. If your flavor happens to be gay, then celebrate the way God made you. Look for the good in everything, no matter what. Usually you'll find some.
I really wanted to say something about this but Grégoire and Alan have covered it all and better than I could have said it.
ReplyDeleteYou still have some old beliefs about yourself still kicking around inside of you. Beliefs that came from someone else's perspective.
Give your self time. You have made great progress and you still have time to make more.
You are at a point in your life where you are learning to take 100% control of your identity and destiny. Take it one little step at a time and realize the beauty and uniqueness that is you. The truth of your existence. That sort of sounds corny newagy doesn't it. LOL!
I like the comments here. I've got my own thoughts on the approach that the Church takes toward sexuality that I'm gradually evolving into a blog post, but in a nutshell I agree that you (and every other member of the Church) have been raised with particular views about love, sex, relationships, etc. that you're only now starting to break free from. It's to be expected that you'll have flashbacks and twinges of old attitudes come back to visit every once in a while. Over time, you'll create your own belief system that doesn't rely on what you've been told is right and wrong, and you'll settle into that system and be more comfortable with all of that relationship stuff.
ReplyDeleteI really have enjoyed the journal entries, and the glimpses they've given me into your past. Thanks for all of the posts!