Can't Seem To Shake My Faith

Last night, I drove out to Camarillo, planning to meet this guy and hookup with him. He told me to get off at the Lewis Exit and be there at 9:30pm. So I was running late, and I got there at 9:40pm, worried that I was late.

I texted him, and he told me "b there in 5 minutes" ten minutes passes.

I text again "sorry, dropping a drunk friend off" twenty minutes pass.

I'm getting frustrated.

I text again saying "you're a really bad time estimator, lol" He responded "Sorry, didn't know I was going to end up designated driver and having to drop 4 people off". So now it's four people? WTF. So I wait some more, and finally I say "it's been 40 minutes dude, what's going on"

He finally says he's home, and I ask him for the address. A few minutes pass, and he finally texts it to me. So I drive over, park, and text him. 5 minutes pass. I text "Dude, I don't have time for this, where are you?" He said he was changing out of his suit... and then added "I'm doing the best I can and if you're going to have an attitude you should go home".

So I did.

I'm actually proud of myself that I value myself and my time enough not to allow a stranger to jerk me around like that for over an hour. I wish I'd done it sooner, but the point is I did it... so I never even saw him. Even though I was on his doorstep. I'm really glad I didn't. My time is valuable, and I'm a good guy who not only can get better, but deserves better.

So I drove home, and actually felt pretty great. I'd boosted my self esteem because I'd valued myself enough not to just have sex with someone I was angry with and didn't respect me or my time.

I was so far from home, and I figured I should do SOMETHING to be productive with my trip, and there was this place called "Lake Eleanor Open Space" in Thousand Oaks that I wanted to check out. So I got off the freeway and went there—but I quickly realized it was all fenced off, and I wasn't going to get to skinny dip in a moonlit lake—not that I would of, it was too windy and cool.

I was about to get back on the freeway, and I saw a 65 year old man thumbing for a ride with a bunch of books under his arm.

I stopped and picked him up.

He was headed to LA, and had missed the last bus back to the city after a class that he was attending. The poor guy didn't even have a jacket, and with the wind it was probably about 40 degrees.

He mentioned several times that I was an answer to a prayer... and it made me wonder if maybe the whole experience was to get me out there to help this man out when he needed it.

It's thrown me for a bit of a loop. No matter how hard I try to ignore my faith, when things like that happen, I think of how God must be directing me, guiding me to help others and enrich lives. Remarkable, isn't it?

Another Amazing Happenstance

So my life is very odd--coincidences happen to me all the time, and once again I've found myself privileged to be be a victim of happenstance.

Some of you may recall a recent post in which I spoke of my growing stalker tendencies. This post was a result of being ignored by another guy on OKcupid.

Well, about two weeks later, I was "matched" by the "Quiver Match" system to a guy named Spencer. I decided to write him based primarily on his use of the phrase "Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" as an exclamation in one section of his profile.  I mentioned that I thought it was funny, probably because I had been raised LDS.

Well, he wrote back inquiring about my experience with the Mormon Church, and whether my departure had been dramatic and sudden or more of a drifting away. He also mentioned seeing a one man show about an ex-Mormon. I responded and told him it was pretty sudden on the outside, but very gradual inside, and that the show to which he was referring was probably either "Confessions of a Mormon Boy" or "Missionary Position" by Steven Fales. I provided him a link my blog, specifically the post about Missionary Position, and extend the invitation for him to read more to get a better idea of my journey.

Anyway, to make a long story short (too late), we get to talking. And he casually asks me,

"What was the name of the guy you were stalking, the editor in NoHo?"

"His name was Brandon, I think."

"He's my best friend." 

Uh oh.

"But I won't tell!"

Sigh of relief.

Except he did tell him. He mentioned to Brandon that "there's this blog I'm reading that you should check out--but don't be surprised if some of it seems familiar"

Yeah, so I have had both of these fellows reading my blog. Hi guys! Is the gay community really that small? I guess so. At least the gay editing community--that's me, Brandon and Clint so far!

Anyway, I don't really care that he told Brandon about this blog, I'm sure he was amused to learn how his inaction caused my angst-written blog post, and that's dandy.

I've continued to converse with Spencer, and he's a really awesome guy who I have great conversations with. I look forward to our chats and it aggravates me to know that he's moving to Sacramento in a month, because I feel like he could be a really good friend, and I don't feel like I have any really close gay friends. :(

So what continues to bother me is that these two guys are close friends, and undoubtedly have a lot in common and get along really well. So chances are, if I'm getting along well with one, I'd probably get along well with the other. So it makes it all the more damning to think that there's cool gay people who could potentially be awesome friends with me right in my own section of LA, and yet I remain not merely boyfriendless, but "gay best friendless". :(

WTFIWTBS?!?!

Another Strange Coincidence...

Just a short note tonight.

Ty Mansfield was a Missionary in the Augusta, Maine Stake back in 1998ish, when I was living there with my mother and siblings.

We always loved Mansfield, and when we learned that he had sold Cutco Knives door-to-door to pay for his mission, we named his favorite Cutco knife, "The Spatula Spreader", the "Mansfield Knife" in his honor.

Through my mother, I reconnected with Ty on Facebook and discovered that we had many mutual moho friends... and I asked him that famous question "are you one, too?"

His response was simple--

I co-authored the following book, to answer your question:
http://deseretbook.com/store/product/4772927

I feel simultaneously foolish and privileged to have been served by Mansfield while he was a missionary. I guess now I have to read the book--which I bought a good year ago but never read.

Small world, huh?

An Amazing Turn Of Events!

Okay, I literally had the most crazy, serendipitous, coincidental happenstance yesterday afternoon! I was literally floored and all smiles and energy for the rest of the day. I have to share this with you!

So during some down time at work, I was perusing the "Strictly Platonic" m4m section of craigslist, (I know what you're thinking, but I really was looking more for friends or dating, hence the platonic/misc romance section.) and I came across and ad titled "i want to die... - m4m - 19".

In his post, he talked about how he was depressed and wanted to be dead--he wasn't going to kill himself, but he just needed someone who was around his age who he could talk to about it, who understood.

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I was in a similar place this weekend, so I responded and basically condensed my last two posts into an e-mail. I told him that I was 22 and I'd been there, and if he wanted to chat about it, he could IM me.

And so he did.

Christopher told me that he was very grateful for my e-mail, and that it was evident to him that I "got it". He said he felt weird because had two or three close friends online, but he felt like talking to strangers. That's not weird at all, in my opinion. I told him that you want someone totally removed, so you can share only what you feel is relevant and not be judged based on pre-existing grudges or opinions. I think that made him feel validated, which I feel is always vital to do--when someone is down, you need to validate them, tell them it's okay to feel shitty, and that they're entitled to feel how they feel.

After some chit-chat, Christopher (figuratively) turned the mic over to me, and this is the transcript of what happened (cleaned up a bit for ease of reading)

Christopher: so if you don't mind me asking, what are your issues? do you want to rant?
Christopher: i mean
Christopher: just bitch about any and everything without me judging you or thinking they are insignificant
Ezra: Well, I don't mind sharing with you
Ezra: it's pretty straightforward on the surface, actually.
Ezra: Obviously, I was browsing the m4m platonic personals, so you can probably figure I'm gay.
Christopher: i wasn't going to ask, but had a feeling
Ezra: Well, I only came out in September.
Ezra: I was raised LDS (Mormon) my whole life.
Christopher: AOFMASDIHASOIHC"ASDOFIHASNDOIMASDIHOSHAS
Christopher: fuckkkkkkk you
Christopher: awesome!!!!
Christopher: ME TOO
Christopher: omg
Christopher: best friends
Ezra: Are you serious?
Christopher: haha
Ezra: WOW
Christopher: ok go on
Ezra: Dude, welcome to the Moho club!
Ezra: (Mormon Homosexual!)

Ezra: moho!

Christopher: time for a virtual hug
Ezra: HAHAHA
Christopher: awesome!
Ezra: *HUG*
Christopher: well my heart just went crazy beating
Christopher: there are so few of us
Ezra: That's awesome. Yes, there are very few

Christopher: or rather
Christopher: you know what i mean
Ezra: I know lots of gay mormons (at least 20) but most of them live in the Salt Lake area
Christopher: yeah i know just a few
Ezra: that i've met through the moho queerosphere
Christopher: i mean i know there are a lot
Christopher: just not as many that admit it
Ezra: OMG you've just made my day.
Ezra: :)
Christopher: and VERY few that are out and STILL consider themselves mormon
Christopher: seriously
Ezra: Right. Do you still consider yourself mormon?
Christopher: well
Christopher: haha
Christopher: good question
Christopher: but i think you know what i mean
Ezra: I consider myself definately culturally mormon
Ezra: it'll always be part of me
Ezra: I see no reason to throw the baby out with the bathwater in terms of all the good things the church represents
Christopher: thank you
Christopher: thank you
Ezra: but basically, I came to the realization that there was no future for me in the church
Christopher: BECAUSE!!
Christopher: you can't keep going to youth activities
Ezra: and one sunday, I just stood up after sacrament meeting i stood up and realized i wasn't coming back
Christopher: and elder's quorum is just AWKWARD
Christopher: and you can't serve a mission nor do you really want to...
Christopher: and it's like...
Christopher: why am i still here?
Ezra: Exactly

Our conversation continued for quite a while, and we talked about a lot of things--but needless to say, I told him we have to hang out.  He said that sounded good, but "first and foremost", he cautioned, "I have someone right now".

I laughed.  I told him I'd be lying if I said that it hadn't crossed my mind, but that I was mostly just interested in getting to know him--one Moho to another.

My father always used to say that when life is full of serendipity and coincidence, and things just "fall into place" it's because you are in harmony with the universe, and heading down the right path.

:) I'm all smiles.