So it's official. I'm not gay enough.
I'm in the Castro blogging from my phone. A little while ago I had lunch at a little restaurant here called "home". They had an amazing meatloaf sandwich that knocked my socks off. But I digress.
When I got my check, I asked my (gay) waiter what I should do or what was a must see. He directed my that if I as going up towards this one area that there were a bunch of bars and strips clubs "like I think there's a Hustler strip club up there.". Yeah then I directly asked what to see and do in re Castro and I got told to check out the Castro theater because they show classic films.
So even in the heart of the Castro people don't even ask if I'm gay because it's apparenty not even in doubt. Now granted, I realize that maybe he just wanted to air on the safe side, assuming that straight people can get offended when their sexuality is questioned, and many gay men would be merely amused or flattered by the assumption that on is straight. But still.
I do not feel like I fit in in any community anymore. I'm pretty much done with
Mormonism and I'm still not comfortable with myself and don't identify with the gay community. I feel sick to my stomach.
Anyway, Mortified is tonight and if I'm lucky someone will invite me out with their group so I don't feel like a total loner lamo.
I feel like in many ways I like the person I was when I was in the closet a lot better. I feel less confident and more reserved an shy than ever. Sigh whatever I just am really lost.
I think being in touch with the "MoHo" community is a good first step. But in reality, I think no matter what the group is, most people feel like outsiders in their own group.
ReplyDeleteThe MoHo community is physically spread out, so it's not going to go very far toward fulfilling your desire for people to actually do stuff with, but I promise you that you do fit in to this community.
ReplyDeleteIt's like the Island of Misfit Toys. :)
A and I were reading your blog this morning in bed... fyi A says that you just not up on your gay lingo... the hustler (and yes we looked it up) is a gay club. actually according to A who's been in the Castro everything there is gay. He says its one of the safest communities a gay person could live in, because of how gay everything is.... so guess what you are gay enough.
ReplyDeletethe hustler he was directing me to was not in the Castro it was up in the downtown area maybe along Broadway and those are all straight clubs...
ReplyDeleteWhat ever. I'm gay enough for me and that's all that matters!
I still don't think your gay. lol
ReplyDeletewell i'm glad your happy with how you are... personally i wouldn't change a thing about you (well maybe your location) nope scratch that i'd change my location first i happen to love the weather in your location. kisses
ReplyDelete