I'm sitting in the business center at the Tenaya Lodge in Fish Camp, CA.
And I'm suprised and angry.
I'm happy to be here, and think I'll have a dandy time--but there's a lot of heavy stuff on my mind right now.
I've really upset someone. Part of me feels bad, and the other part of me says "fuck you and get off your high horse". I feel like I was trying to be a good friend and apparently was an asshole or something. Basically, now I'm angry too, at least for now. I am angry because I sincerly sought reconciliation and was greated with more passive-aggressive behavior.
Truth is, I don't need that bullshit in my life, and I don't like that it came from someone I hardly know. But why did it affect me so? For now I'm putting them off of my radar--it's the only thing I can think to do.
Secondly, here I am in one of the most Beautiful places in a comfortable Lodge--all alone.
It is getting me more depressed by the second. This type of thing should never have to be done this way. There is some snow on the ground up here. The lobby has a fire place. If only I had a boyfriend who I could snuggle with on the couch while watching the fire burn, or playing a board game.
I know I'm young and lucky to be where I am, but all my success and acheivements are trivial in contrast to my solitude.
**WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT**
I'm starting to scare myself again.
I feel like I'm getting more desperate and reckless as time goes by. Friday night I invited a guy over that I'd dated back around Christmas. He was kind of cute but not my type, especially personality wise. But I found myself asking him to come over and spend the night--knowing full well that there would be heavy petting involved.
He somehow didn't end up making it, and in hind-sight I'm thankful--I'm know I'm better than that.
Yet, when I realized he wasn't coming, I started browsing Craigslist, thinking about how easy it would be to get a hook up or a blow job. I stared at a post for a nearby glory hole for what seemed like 15 minutes, thinking about responding.
"I'd never even have to see the person"--it would just be a mouth, a tool for masturbation.
I didn't respond, of course. I masturbated--twice--and went to bed.
It's unsettling to me, because I know how badly I want a honest, meaningful relationship with someone who makes my heart race, who I always want to be around, who "gets" me. I want someone who turns me on, who gets turned on by me, who I can kiss and cuddle and hold and suck and fuck and make love and hold hands and massage. Who will let me run my hands around their waist and draw them in close.
I've only crushed once, and nothing has felt even remotely close since. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not programmed right. I can't elaborate on this tonight, as my brain is too fried from driving 4+ hours to Yosemite.
But seriously, when do I get to fall in love? :/
I'm so tired and so lonely.
I'll try to post more tomorrow night, and give you all an update on how my first day at Yosemite goes.
P.S. I'm planning to visit the local LDS church tomorrow morning, though I'm not 100% sure I can go through with it. Or WHY I am planning to do it.
