Thursday, May 21, 2009

Saying "No Thanks"

I don't like leading anyone on--but it's easy for me to do, because I'm such a friendly guy and my politeness and conversation is often interpreted incorrectly to mean I'd be interested in being more than just friends.

Well, there's a gay mormon guy who lives in CA, who messaged me because we have a mutual friend.  He doesn't blog, and I've never met him.   To make a long story short he expressed that he thought I was attractive and he wanted to "get to know me better".

This is where I get annoyed.  First off, we've never even met--and he IS getting to know me better, because we've chatted a couple times.  But either way, I am friends with him on Facebook, so I know what he looks like and I can tell you I don't find him in the least bit physically attractive.  Personality wise, it really isn't much better--our conversations have been skin deep at best, and rather than continuing to get to know me, he insinuates he'd like to date me.

So I tell him straight up that I'd be happy to get to know him better, but that I don't find him attractive.  He basically flips out and starts speaking monosyllabically and ending every sentence with "?????" For example "Wow????" and "Can't find the words dude !!!!!"

Now I know I've lamented the lack of a boyfriend on this blog before--but that does NOT mean I'll just settle and accept the first guy that comes along with interest.  I work 50-70 hours a week, I don't have time to date people who do NOTHING for me either intellectually or physically.  I hate that I get treated like a bad guy for being forthright.  But that's how I feel--he wrote me this friggin' e-mail that was practically incoherent

I did not know how to react to you after what you said but i don't hold any hard feelings towards you. you like me have the right to have passionate feeling toward be honest i wanted to go off on you part of me did but if you take everything that people say personal then you hurt yourself a little.but i know that their nothing wrong with me i know that someday someone will want to get close to me and have feeling towards i don't hold any hard feelings when you have been hurt like i have since i came out you tend to take things a little harder then others.i believe in love trust and respect treating other right and being treated right i don't ask people to love me or to like me just treat me as you would want yourself i am still up for getting to know you that's no problem with true intentions on both sides we can do this.

I would appreciate it if someone could help me understand what this even means...  All I know is that it further proves that this person is not right for me just in how they chose to react to honesty.

And one more thing--I don't care if this makes me sound like a colossal prick, but I couldn't deal with someone routinely drops words from his sentences and letters from his words (Examples: 2nd sentence: missing "s" on feeling; 3rd sentence "ly" missing from personal; 4th sentence "their" should be "there is"; 5th sentence "s" missing from feeling again; 7th sentence "other" needs to read "others" or "other people"; and of course the missing space between each new sentence, the complete absence of commas, and the complete absence of capitalization)

Now that you all think I'm a huge douche for being so picky about spelling and punctuation, let me just say this to you--It's important to me that someone be able to communicate clearly--I don't even know what to make of this message.  I wrote him back, and got and even MORE confusing message, this time it was twice as long.

But my favorite is this "i don't ask people to love me or to like me just treat me as you would want yourself treated."  I did just that--I want people to be HONEST with me, not lead me on, fuck around with my brain or play games.  So I think he would be happy to know that I treated him exactly as I'd like to be treated.

Speaking as someone who is obese (this person seemed a lot heavier than me, btw), I know I'm judged by my looks all time time--but I refuse to use that phony line that seems to be very popular with people who don't take care of themselves (I have been one of them)--it's always a rewording of that "it's not what's on the outside that counts" cliche.  This is how it was worded to me in the second e-mail:

i have been hurt by some many guys out there but when the hits come when someone thinks i am not the right size or look it may singe for abit but i walk it off because i am better then those who only see what they want to see i am not saying that looks make a big deal to you but i don't let that define me i let my heart define me looks are cool i agree but its what a man or any person holds on the inside that matter to me

Ugh.  Why does that idea seem to be only held by ugly or fat people, hmm?  OF COURSE what's on the inside counts.  It's BOTH.  You need both!!!  I know I used to think that way before I realized if I just took better care of myself, (IE, eat right and exercise) people WOULD find me attractive.  It's because it's easier to believe this "feel good" line about looks not mattering and to keep telling yourself that everyone is just too shallow to appreciate the you that's on the "inside" instead of doing the hard work and getting to the gym and eating right and getting in shape--I've been working at it for less than a year, and I've lost 30 pounds--it's not easy, but I know it has to be done--for myself, if not for anyone else.

I don't even know if I should post this--it's got quite a bit more venom and vituperation than I expected when I started out.

I guess I'll extend the question to you, kind readers--should I have gone on a date with this person?  (though I've now gone from ambivalence to completely turned off)  What would you have done?  Am I a mega-sized asshole for even writing this down?


  1. You were forthright and honest. Good qualities. It sounds like weight or attrativeness aside, the two of you wouldn't be a good match. He'd be upset easily and grate on your nerves.

    You could have used more tact... but you weren't rude.

  2. Agree with BRH above. Dating wouldn't have done much but confirm your suspicions.

  3. 1) No, you should not have gone out with him. One of my biggest pet-peeves is people with bad grammar... hence my relationship with a newspaper editor ;) - plus, he kind of exploded at you, for no real reason... clearly not the rational type of person you ought to find / deserve.

    2) Secondly, this post and/or your rejection of him does not make you a mega-sized asshole.

    3) Not that there's anything wrong with being a mega-sized asshole though!

  4. This happened to me a couple of years ago!

    I'm in my office with my boss, who is a female, we're going over some stuff, and she steps out for a minute. Almost as soon as she's gone this cute red-haired girl comes in.

    At the time I'm 35, and she's like 26. So she asks me, really nervous: "Will you go on a date with me?"

    This has happened before, so I give her the script. "I'm not available... I'm married and have kids... they live in [name of other town 4 hours away]... blah blah..."

    She got really upset, red in the face. I clearly wasn't very tactful and I felt terrible. She left in a hurry, and later I learned she left work for the day. My boss came in right after she left, having heard some of this conversation from the hallway. She wanted to fire this girl because she thought it was completely inappropriate and she kept telling me I was being harassed. I had to smooth things over. I think I told her that if she fired the red-haired kid then I'd sue the bank saying my boss had a habit of coming in my office, shutting the door and demanding inappropriate favors. (My boss is something of a comedian so she appreciated this.)

    So I feel terribly, and I kiss this girl's ass constantly for about two *months* and finally we're friends.

    Suddenly, we're shooting the shit and she mentions her "boyfriend", then gets all red in the face again, which is her custom.

    "O, OK, so I was honest with you and you got all pissed off," I laugh, "all the while you weren't available either..."

    "Well," she stammers, "he's not really my boyfriend, we're just fucking each other..."

    "You're fucking and you call him your boyfriend... sounds like a boyfriend to me..."

    Anyway she's grown up a lot since then, and we're still friends. I guess that's the real point here. You have to turn down lots of people for an intimate relationship, but don't jump into an adversarial type thing right away. Most of the nice people who are interested in you will make good friends, even if they aren't your type.

    Best to you brother...

  5. iagree u can tel alot bout peple by there youse of lnaguag and grmmer and humor but th thing that told me that this doode was upset was jus t the way eeything ran togher almost liek he was crying so i felt bad for both of youse guys and my own personal eiperience is thatii mke lots of typsospotypos and if i don't go back and correct the cop y then i now that sme eipkle will thinki im ignernt but aywyay osmetimes you reqally can't tell about a pesonn til you actually meet em, and smell 'em. jsut my two scents buti fully support you in youir incision to cut this out beofrre you spend oyojur time barking up the wrong tree with when there's dog poop on his shoes, ya know what i meen

  6. Well, your intuition is probably guiding you on this one, and you may want to follow it. But I'm sort of reading an "anger" into this. Everyone uses different words, and we don't all understand one another correctly. Give others a bit of a break on that score--or explore what they really mean--and mysteries start disappearing. Good luck.