A Tough Week

As many of you know, I had a tremendously hard week emotionally. Several factors contributed to this.

1. Going to Pride and feeling unattractive and uncomfortable with myself made me feel like I was back in the closet again. While at the event, an announcer said "Aren't you proud to be gay?" My heart screamed NO. No, not at all. I am terrified and ashamed that I was still unhappy with being gay. This could be a post unto itself, so I'm going to move on.

2. I've been averaging 60 work hours a week for the last 8 weeks. This is taking a heavy toll on the following:

3. Physical well-being--It's harder to eat well and find time to hit the gym when you're always at work.

4. Emotional well-being--I have to be diplomatic and focused for long long stretches, which requires you to repress emotions to maintain professionalism.

5. Social well-being--I think I've gotten about 2 visits from a friend (not counting a trip to the moho party) in this 8 week period. I also haven't been able to go on my second date with Damian because our schedules keep conflicting.

So basically, you can imagine that I am worn pretty thin. I've also noticed that these bouts of depression seem to come at about 4-5 week intervals, which leads me to believe it may be a bio-rhythm as well.

Well, I wrote some pretty scary things on this blog. I'm sorry for scaring you. I feel bad that I don't always know how to reach out and get the help. It's embarrassing to me that I'm so far along, so "out" and yet I'm still so ashamed of myself. Self acceptance for ANYTHING has never come easily to me, and certainly not for being gay. When everyone else seems to be so much more comfortable, or at least putting on such a better face than me, I feel inferior.

My friend Brett moved here from Peoria, IL and is interning at a late night show here in LA. He's only been out 2 months or so, and he's just so confident and cool about it. He's already gotten some dates in just the week or two he's been here. He's not any better looking for me. He's not in better shape than me. But he clearly has the confidence and presence to attract cute guys. It makes me feel so envious.

On top of all this angst-causing bullshit, my Los Angeles BISHOP called me out of the blue because he wanted to "meet". I told him that I was fine and didn't need to meet. It made me feel angry and I wanted to scream "I'm a fucking faggot! Leave me alone!" But I didn't.

I was feeling pretty shitty--but this time it was different than other times--I was too calm, and that made me nervous, because with the calmness it made me feel in control, when I knew I wasn't. I was so alone, and I needed help, but was too proud, and too ashamed to ask. "I don't deserve help," I reasoned.

And yet, despite my efforts to push these people away from me, they wouldn't leave me alone. They checked in on me, expressed their love, called, texted, e-mailed, and undoubtedly prayed for me.

Thank you (in no particular order) to

Clint M.

Michael W.

Cam W.

Alan W.

Drew S.

Grant H.

Troy D.

MohoHawaii

Bravone
Frank S.
Ned J.

Greg V.

Canyon E.

Scott N.

Sarah N.

Sarah T.

My Mom

If I've left anyone out, please know I valued you reaching out to--I was literally taken aback at how many people cared enough to say something to me, or listen to me rant, and so I might have forgotten someone in the flood of concern and love.

I wanted to keep this short, but this post's chance at brevity is long past, so I'll forge ahead.

Everyone said things that were helpful, but I wanted to share two quotes from Clint and Scott.

Scott: There will never be a time that you could suicide and *not* cause people pain and trouble. I love you, and losing you will hurt, even if it's 80 years from now and due to natural causes. Mostly I just wanted to let you know that I love you

Ezra: I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel undeserving of the friends I have. God knows I wouldn't be friends with me. I'd run like hell in the opposite direction from this train wreck

Scott: It isn't up to you to decide who's friends with you. I get to choose who I'm friends with, and I like you. You can choose whether or not to reciprocate that friendship, but you're getting it from me either way. And I'll always count myself lucky to know you.

Ezra: I'm 22 and I'm giving up. How fuckin' pathetic is that? You'd be crazy to want to know a loser like that.

Scott: I like you just because you're *you*. Because I like *Ezra*.

----

Clint: If you were [a selfish asshole], then people wouldn't care. Trust me. I've had friends who were/are jerks. I don't call them and I don't call other people to check up on them when I can't. You think trying to make other people hate you will make you feel justified in hating yourself, but it won't. We think you are someone worthwhile. You may not think that of yourself, but might have to trust us to not be complete morons. You don't have to start loving yourself before other people can love you."

My mother probably put it the most succinctly. She said "Be nice to Ezra, I like him".

It's funny how sometimes a slight change in semantics can cause a paradigm shift. I realized that if I saw a friend treating someone I cared about the way I treat myself, I'd not stand for it. It's hard for me to do things for myself--maybe it's that self-flagellation that I've been performing for so many years. But I love to serve others--and I am fiercely loyal to my friends. And my friends are telling me to stop being so hard on myself--so maybe I can do it for them. It would hurt me to see one of my friends treated this way, so I can imagine the distress it must cause them to see me so abusive and not be able to intervene because it's inside of me.

Sorry if that's a bit "out there", but it's true. I am trying to see this from a new perspective.

I've also committed myself to visiting a psychotherapist on Monday, and presumably if I feel a good vibe off of him (I already do) will begin seeing him regularly. He comes recommended from a gay co-worker, and Dr. Tony is "family" which is nice, too. Hopefully you folks can rest a little easier knowing I'm seeking help.

And a few cool things are happening this weekend--Saturday is the Affirmation Pool Party here in LA! It's a completely new, non-blogging group of gay mormons to meet! I'm super excited.

And I finally scored my second date with Damian. We're going to see Up in 3D. (Is it still chauvinistic to want to pay for everything if you're both men? I just feel like I want to pay since I've been doing so well... Thoughts?)

Anyway, thank you all again for being a special part of my life. I love you all very much.

*apologies to initially leaving Ned and Frank off my list.