Moho Halloween!

As many of you know, I went to Salt Lake City and visited with all my moho blogger friends. It was so wonderful and I had some great experiences.

Most of you were at the party, and know it was a nice time with lots of socialization and some great costumes. It was a really good time, but many of my readers were there, so I'm going to skip to the "after party" if you will... haha!

After the Moho party and Scott's house, Canyon, his friend C. and I went to this club in SLC to get a drink and dance a bit. It seems a little weird to think about gay bars in Salt Lake City, but I'm glad they exist—the immediate difference I noticed was that this place was practically empty, whereas on halloween night gay bars in LA are twice as packed as normal!

We went to the bar, and the 'tender said all they serve is beer (probably a result of SLC's ridiculous liquor laws). Canyon hates beer, and our very attentive bartender offered to make us "samples" of different beers with juice mixed in. So we took him up on the offer, and he made us three samples. I tried the first one, which tasted like cranberry juice. He told me it was called "Cranberry Summer Breeze" (which he said with a playful lisp) and I laughed, it was actually really good--cranberry juice, soda water and michelob. So I got that. There were two others, one with OJ and another with Lemonade (Canyon got the lemonade one, which was humorously entitled "Lemon Especiale" I gave him a good tip, and we went out to the patio to get away from the music and talk some.

Now, a patio in November (it was technically novemeber at this point) in SLC is not very warm. So we were not super comfortable, but it was the only way to have a conversation. So we talked for a while, and this guy in a tunic, who appears to be working for the bar comes over and checks on us, and he seems to be hitting on me, touching my shoulder, talking to me more than the others... it was nice. He wasn't exactly my type, but it's always nice to get hit on (which never happens in LA)

Another bartender was dressed like a Swat Team style police officer (complete with REAL taser) and we talked to him for quite a bit--he was really cute and very friendly. I was just taken aback at how much friendlier everyone seemed the whole night!

After we finished our drinks and went inside to dance for a bit, I ended up dancing with this guy in red strapless dress with a blonde wig who called himself "Alexis"--I couldn't figure out if he was just being cute to complete a costume for halloween, or if he really was a cross dresser. He was cute, and very friendly and we talked a bit during some of the dancing, as the club was getting emptier and emptier... near the end it was just me, Canyon and Alexis on the dance floor "they're all just so intimidated by us" I quipped.

So Alexis took off, and I was going into exhaustion since I was going on about 22 hours being awake (and traveling, which is always tiring.) and so we were heading out. But we stopped to ask one of the other employees who was sweeping up (he was also in a tunic) is it was true that they showed "Glee" here on Wednesday nights. He confirmed it, then turned to me and said "Can I rub your belly?"

I just about lost it laughing.

"Sure" I said, and he started rubbing my belly and said "That's hot". I asked him if he liked chubby guys and he said yeah. So I gave him a hug and told him that if I wasn't sharing a room with three other people that night, I'm might have taken him home with me.

Anyway, we went home (The three of us were all crashing at Scott's house) and just as I was about to finally get in bed and rest, I reached for the lamp in the basement where I was sleeping, and knocked it over in the dark. The moment between when I knocked it and it hitting the ground is vivid. I blurted out "OH MY GOD" at full volume, which was punctuated by a resounding CRASH as the glass around the lamp shattered all accross the basement floor (and me in stocking feet).

Needless to say, I basically woke up the entire household. The Alan Westermark and his son (both in from San Diego with an early morning departure) were awoken, as was Sarah. I was so embarressed, and not because I broke the lamp, but because it was 3am and I'd just woken everyone up after a very very long day. Sigh.

Everyone was very cool, C. helped me quietly clean up the glass in the dark (I only got cut once!) and then we talked quietly before hitting the hay.

The next day, I was picked up by Marcus and he took me to Brunch with a bunch of people from the party. Robert, Brandon, Michael R., Michael W., McKay, and, Marcus and I went to Market Street Grille, and I had my first Mojito. It was actually really good, I enjoyed it.

After that we went geocaching which was fun, and then we went back to the Michael's apartment and played Catch Phrase. I napped for a while, and then we made dinner (Just me and the two Michaels, as others had to leave)

All the guys made me feel so welcome in Salt Lake. It almost makes me want to move up there so I can be a full time part of this awesome gang. Sadly, I don't think that's reason enough—I've got to build Moho Zion right here in LA!

So that was essentially my trip. A lot of fun. I'm sorry if I rambled on incessantly with every mundane detail, but I really enjoyed myself, and figured I'd share with you.

I'm really excited for the next two months--this is a great time of year (aside from the darkness) because it's so busy and I can keep myself distracted from how much I want a boyfriend! HAHA.

Also, stay tuned for an important post tomorrow...

Lovesick

I took a trip east this last week. It was incredible. I visited Maine, Boston, and New York City. I ate amazing food, like good EAST COAST PIZZA tried wine, oysters, scallops, a whole fish, a shot. I saw my sister, my best friends, old acquaintances and haunts.

It was a bittersweet trip, the joy of the reunion, only to be met with the sorrow of departure soon after.

While in New York, I met up with Paul, who is this guy I met up with back in August. He's super sweet and thoughtful and hot, and he's into me back... so that's what makes it all the more frustrating that he has just started figuring out his sexuality. He's 29 and just testing the waters of his bisexuality, and so even if I did live close to him, there's a good chance it wouldn't work out properly. Sigh.

I need to just snap out of it.

But for the first time since coming out, the first time since Seth, I feel like I've met someone who excites me, who makes it hard for me to stop thinking about them. He makes me disinterested in searching for companionship elsewhere. Because I want to make it work with him.

But I'm not a fool—I understand that I'm just in love with the possibilities. I'm infatuated with his body. I'm sure there of plenty of guys who are not attractive to me who are better matches emotionally and spiritually and intellectually, but I never give them a chance because the attraction is not there... this whole thing is frustrating.

Anyway, I'll talk to you all more later,

Peace.

Going East!

I'm in a very good mood, because every passing minute brings me closer to Maine, Boston and New York City.

In the last 18 months, I haven't been further east than Salt Lake City. Considering that I spend almost all of my formidable years growing up in Maine, and went to College in Boston, Massachusetts, I deeply miss it.

It should be an interesting time. Most of these people have not seen me since I have come out of the closet, Most of them have not seen me 35 pounds lighter (I was 284 at graduation, and am currently 249!). Most of them have been moving forward with their lives, as have I.

I'm going to be visiting with the Bishop that saved my life, and probably discussing with him my having left the church. It will be awkward, I'm sure, but I love him too much to not share my life up to now with him.

I'm going to try and get a date with a guy who crushed on me when I was attending Emerson--I was closeted at the time, and now that I'm out and have learned of his interest, it should be fun, even if he lives in Boston and it may never come to anything.

I'm going to spend a night in NYC with a guy who I met a few weeks ago while he was visiting in LA. We hung out two weekends and really hit it off. I miss him, and really could see dating him long term, if only he wasn't in NYC... but if it is love, then no distance is insurmountable. So we'll see.

I'm going to visit Clark Johnsen while in NYC, a blogger who's comments I always appreciated. And I'll be able to add another blogger to my list of "Moho's I've met in real life" :)

As you can imagine, I won't be doing too much blogging whilst travelling. But then again, what else is new?

Love you all!

San Francisco, Affirmation, Old Friends and a Model A Ford

Apologies to those who have been waiting for my feedback on this last weekend in San Francisco (I'm looking at you, Alan) This weekend I took a very short trip up to San Francisco for the 1st ever Affirmation Young Adult Cornerstone Conference. The conference was sparsely attended, but the small group made it feel more like a small ward activity than a big "conference". Which was nice. I think since it was the first time they'd ever had this event, coupled with the simple fact that most young people can't afford to go to San Francisco for the weekend. That's why all the attendees were from the Bay Area except me, Christian and his friend Max.

Christian is pictured here to the left. He is transgendered, and was born biologically female, and has been on hormones since April. I really enjoyed meeting him and getting to hear his story. I'd never met a transgendered Moho before and it was incredible. Interestingly, I still would occasionally refer to Christian as she--it annoyed me, because I support him and his dicisions, but knowing what I knew about his current physical state (pre-op) I would still mentally default to saying "she". I hope I didn't offend, as Christian was a cool person, and as the Bishop's kid in Orange County, I know his path is undoubtedly more difficult than mine.

The conference was fun and I sort of wish I had more time to get the stories of the attendees. I picked up peices between the seminars and talks about political activism and safe sex. But unfortunately, I just didn't get the time. We went on a walking tour of the Castro, which basically consisted of talking about which bars where for what and who goes where and has the best drinks or dancing. It made me feel a little out of the loop. I have gone dancing, but I still don't think clubbing tops my list of things to do on any given night. I still don't drink and frankly haven't more than a fleeting interest in starting. So once again, I was the minority, the guy who was recently out, single and insecure.

It is frustrating, because I'm working my hardest to find out why I'm still so goddamn uncomfortable with myself. My therapist and I are try to get to the root of it. I've got it boiled down the this, at least in my head--I don't deserve happiness. And I'm firmly of the belief that I'll never have it. It can't possibly sound any more emo and self-defeating, but that's the truth. And this blog is about the truth. I look at a couple like Austin and Todd, and I get nauseated. I feel sick to my stomach, knowing that the happiness and joy they've found in each other is never going to be found in my heart.

Don't get my wrong, I'm extremely happy for them--I know they will succeed as a couple. My envy is all encompassing. They are a hot couple, both extremely good looking and thin, which I'll never be. They seem to have given each other their whole heart, which embodies itself in the playfulness of their relationship. As it has been for my whole life, I'm controlled by fear. Despite my best efforts, every date I go on, I feel nothing, every time I look in the mirror and see the fat fuck staring back at me, I know I'll never earn the love and attraction I want, every day that I'm alone, I get more and more ready to give up.

I am sorry this post rapidly became depressing before I even knew what was happening.

I'll have to blog more on this later. To move on, Alan picked me up in his car in the Castro--I joked with him that I never expected to get picked up by an older man in a black car in the Castro..." Hahaha. We went to Grace Cathederal, which no pictures I took do justice. There was a wedding, and I got to hear some music of the choir.

Outside, I encountered this dashing gentleman, and knew I had to have a photo:

He pleasantly obliged, and I sent this photo to my mother, who loves the Scots. She also commented that she thought he was handsome--he is!

After Grace, Alan and I drove down through Golden Gate Park, and then to the 280 south to Woodside (Steve Jobs has a home in this area) up Route 84 to "Alice's Restaurant" (Yes, Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant.) We had dinner with my adopted Mom, Patty Mayall. Alan, Patty and I had a delightful dinner, laughing and talking about a myriad of subjects, before going back to Patty's to have apple pie.

For those who want backstory--Patty and I met at Mortified San Francisco back in April. Have you ever met someone who totally clicks with you and you feel like you've known them your whole life? It's a rare occurrence, but Patty and I were fast friends. And in the short time we were together, we felt comfortable enough to share phone numbers and e-mails, and she extended the invite to stay with her any time I was in the bay area.

So I took her up on the offer. And as we sat at the table talking, it was chilly and I put my arm around her, hugged her. It was very fun, and made me realize how much I miss my real mom, who is still in Virginia. I hope this doesn't make her jealous. My real mom (ToniAnne) and I will often go out to restaurants and sit across the table from each other and hold hands. It's fun, and makes my mom feel so loved and special--and she is both.

So Patty, my surrogate mom, was so appreciative--she's never had children of her own, and I think she really feels as blessed to know me as I do to know her. It's magic. She and her husband Ted are both going to be invited to my wedding (if I ever have one)

The next day, we got to do one of the coolest things I've ever done--easily the highlight of the weekend. We got to drive around the San Mateo Mountains in a 1928 Model A Ford!

Ted gases up the Ford before we begin our sojourn. The engine is gravity fed, meaning that the gas tank must be above the engine--which is why it's BEHIND THE DASHBOARD--basically your riding with 10 gallons of gasoline in your lap.

Here's the hood ornament. Classy! This car can go up to about 50 MPH (on a flat level stretch) and maybe 35-40 up any decent grade. It's a 3 speed flat cut gear manual transmission. It can get between 15-22 mpg. I got to ride in the rumble seat for most of the journey (no seatbelts) and consequently a rocking good time.

And then I got to DRIVE IT!!! This was kind of incredible, and as you can see I was giddy and grinning like the Cheshire cat the entire time. The car has an incredible amount of play in the steering, and it really felt not completely unlike driving the Antique Cars rides at any theme park. You could turn the wheel about a quarter turn before getting any response from the tires. It made driving a very conscious activity. This was real motoring. Oh, and no power brakes either... you're stopping the car with the force of your own foot.

When we finally got to San Gregario, we posed for a picture (me with my new hat I'd just bought).

I took the liberty of correcting and photoshopping this picture to the left to give it a historical and authentic look. Sigh, I want to own a car like this--but only if I've got a cool place to drive it like the winding country roads of the San Mateo Mountains.

In short, it was a fantastic weekend, with lots of new experiences, new friends, and fun. I'm an incredibly lucky guy, even if I don't understand why.

The Best Independence Day Weekend Ever

Matt from "dripping with optimism" came down from Sacramento to spend his holiday weekend with me. I initially enticed him with the promise of a Death Cab for Cutie concert at the Hollywood Bowl.

When ever someone from out of town visits, I'm always delighted because they motivate me to get out and go places I've never been or are "touristy". We had a super packed weekend, and Matt did a stellar job of outlining a basic plan, but allowing everything to flow and feel natural.

Friday, we went to the LA Zoo and braved the heat and sun to see all the cool animals. I think my personal favorite might have been the Ocelot. As we waited in the 45 minute queue to get tickets into the zoo (crazy, right?) Matt and I got to talking and I found out that he was aware of the movie "The Wizard of Speed and Time" by Mike Jittlov. Which is amazing because NO ONE knows about this movie. You can only buy second hand VHS copies of it on ebay or Amazon... it's just not out there.

Which inspired us to head to Mike's house in Silverlake. We just drove by, but it was fun. We walked down Hollywood Blvd and checked out Michael Jackson's star. Then we went up to the Hollywood and Highland complex, and took this classic photo:

We are SO sexy... lol. I kept wanting to fix Matt's glasses--they are a bit warped, and so they don't sit quite level on his face. That night, we went to the LACMA and caught a bit of free Jazz. Then we checked out the Mullholland Overlook:

Below, the city stretched out like a glittery dream. Still light out, but at that magic hour when the earth and the sky are the same intensity.

The next day, we went to Huntington Beach. I'd gone last summer with my roommate, and the fireworks show they have was phenomenal. So when we got to the beach, we jumped right into the water--and it was COLD. It was surprisingly cold--even a stalwart Mainer such as I could only last about 20 minutes before my hands started to loose feeling!

We walked around to warm up... but as the sun went down, Matt was shivering uncontrollably. (I was chilly, but okay--but I've got insulation). He wasn't sure he'd be able to hold out for the fireworks.

We sought out a wind break in the nook of a building. I pulled Matt in front of me and had him lay against my chest. I wrapped my hands around him and held his hands (which were freezing) and put my cheek on his ear to keep it warm. It was very cozy.

And I just enveloped him and held him for about an hour and half. We watched the fireworks together like that and I've not felt so contented and peaceful in ages.

People walked by and stared, and I didn't care at all. I stared back--one woman smiled as said it looked cozy--boy was it ever.

As I sat there, I I told Matt that he was going to make some guy really lucky someday. He said "igual"

Ditto, essentially.

I'm kinda honored that he trusted me and felt comfortable enough to share that moment with me. I'm so lucky to have a friend like that. Thanks Matt, for making my Independence Day into a really treasured memory.

We drove home, happy and singing classic 90's hits in the car. It took two hours to fight traffic home--but it was a blast. When we got home, we made Root Beer Floats and watched Clue.

The next day, it was on the the Los Angeles Natural History Museum. I'd say this is my favorite photograph that I've taken in a long time, from the African wing:

After that, we hit up Chipotle for a late lunch/early dinner and then went to the Death Cab Concert--the reason for the trip, the finale to an amazing weekend:

The concert ended with a fireworks bonanza for "Transatlanticism" as a finale.

Believe me, you had to have been there. It was an INCREDIBLE finale to a great concert.

The next morning, as I drove Matt to the station, I admit I teared up a little--I'm a sucker for a goodbye. :( Anyway, thanks for the fun times, Matt. Hope to see you again soon.

Affirmation Young Adult Cornerstone

Canyon and I will be attending the 1st ever Affirmation Young Adult Cornerstone Conference in San Francisco, CA on July 17th and 18th (Fri/Sat). It's $20. Check it out if you can, it'd be awesome to see some familiar faces there. You never know what could happen!

Halfway Sacrament

halfway sacrament
by christopher davis (the Moho I met on craigslist)

oh God, the Eternal Father
i ask thee this day if i should even bother
for i'm damned if i do and i'm damned if i don't
the efforts i make either matter or won't

i could love with the one i would love to, oh Lord,
or live sad and alone, claim a deathly "reward"
but even then i can't be with the one i would choose
no matter how i play, in the end i will lose

so to enjoy life at all, i must do this one sin
but i'll try to meet you halfway, amen

A Tough Week

As many of you know, I had a tremendously hard week emotionally. Several factors contributed to this.

1. Going to Pride and feeling unattractive and uncomfortable with myself made me feel like I was back in the closet again. While at the event, an announcer said "Aren't you proud to be gay?" My heart screamed NO. No, not at all. I am terrified and ashamed that I was still unhappy with being gay. This could be a post unto itself, so I'm going to move on.

2. I've been averaging 60 work hours a week for the last 8 weeks. This is taking a heavy toll on the following:

3. Physical well-being--It's harder to eat well and find time to hit the gym when you're always at work.

4. Emotional well-being--I have to be diplomatic and focused for long long stretches, which requires you to repress emotions to maintain professionalism.

5. Social well-being--I think I've gotten about 2 visits from a friend (not counting a trip to the moho party) in this 8 week period. I also haven't been able to go on my second date with Damian because our schedules keep conflicting.

So basically, you can imagine that I am worn pretty thin. I've also noticed that these bouts of depression seem to come at about 4-5 week intervals, which leads me to believe it may be a bio-rhythm as well.

Well, I wrote some pretty scary things on this blog. I'm sorry for scaring you. I feel bad that I don't always know how to reach out and get the help. It's embarrassing to me that I'm so far along, so "out" and yet I'm still so ashamed of myself. Self acceptance for ANYTHING has never come easily to me, and certainly not for being gay. When everyone else seems to be so much more comfortable, or at least putting on such a better face than me, I feel inferior.

My friend Brett moved here from Peoria, IL and is interning at a late night show here in LA. He's only been out 2 months or so, and he's just so confident and cool about it. He's already gotten some dates in just the week or two he's been here. He's not any better looking for me. He's not in better shape than me. But he clearly has the confidence and presence to attract cute guys. It makes me feel so envious.

On top of all this angst-causing bullshit, my Los Angeles BISHOP called me out of the blue because he wanted to "meet". I told him that I was fine and didn't need to meet. It made me feel angry and I wanted to scream "I'm a fucking faggot! Leave me alone!" But I didn't.

I was feeling pretty shitty--but this time it was different than other times--I was too calm, and that made me nervous, because with the calmness it made me feel in control, when I knew I wasn't. I was so alone, and I needed help, but was too proud, and too ashamed to ask. "I don't deserve help," I reasoned.

And yet, despite my efforts to push these people away from me, they wouldn't leave me alone. They checked in on me, expressed their love, called, texted, e-mailed, and undoubtedly prayed for me.

Thank you (in no particular order) to

Clint M.

Michael W.

Cam W.

Alan W.

Drew S.

Grant H.

Troy D.

MohoHawaii

Bravone
Frank S.
Ned J.

Greg V.

Canyon E.

Scott N.

Sarah N.

Sarah T.

My Mom

If I've left anyone out, please know I valued you reaching out to--I was literally taken aback at how many people cared enough to say something to me, or listen to me rant, and so I might have forgotten someone in the flood of concern and love.

I wanted to keep this short, but this post's chance at brevity is long past, so I'll forge ahead.

Everyone said things that were helpful, but I wanted to share two quotes from Clint and Scott.

Scott: There will never be a time that you could suicide and *not* cause people pain and trouble. I love you, and losing you will hurt, even if it's 80 years from now and due to natural causes. Mostly I just wanted to let you know that I love you

Ezra: I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel undeserving of the friends I have. God knows I wouldn't be friends with me. I'd run like hell in the opposite direction from this train wreck

Scott: It isn't up to you to decide who's friends with you. I get to choose who I'm friends with, and I like you. You can choose whether or not to reciprocate that friendship, but you're getting it from me either way. And I'll always count myself lucky to know you.

Ezra: I'm 22 and I'm giving up. How fuckin' pathetic is that? You'd be crazy to want to know a loser like that.

Scott: I like you just because you're *you*. Because I like *Ezra*.

----

Clint: If you were [a selfish asshole], then people wouldn't care. Trust me. I've had friends who were/are jerks. I don't call them and I don't call other people to check up on them when I can't. You think trying to make other people hate you will make you feel justified in hating yourself, but it won't. We think you are someone worthwhile. You may not think that of yourself, but might have to trust us to not be complete morons. You don't have to start loving yourself before other people can love you."

My mother probably put it the most succinctly. She said "Be nice to Ezra, I like him".

It's funny how sometimes a slight change in semantics can cause a paradigm shift. I realized that if I saw a friend treating someone I cared about the way I treat myself, I'd not stand for it. It's hard for me to do things for myself--maybe it's that self-flagellation that I've been performing for so many years. But I love to serve others--and I am fiercely loyal to my friends. And my friends are telling me to stop being so hard on myself--so maybe I can do it for them. It would hurt me to see one of my friends treated this way, so I can imagine the distress it must cause them to see me so abusive and not be able to intervene because it's inside of me.

Sorry if that's a bit "out there", but it's true. I am trying to see this from a new perspective.

I've also committed myself to visiting a psychotherapist on Monday, and presumably if I feel a good vibe off of him (I already do) will begin seeing him regularly. He comes recommended from a gay co-worker, and Dr. Tony is "family" which is nice, too. Hopefully you folks can rest a little easier knowing I'm seeking help.

And a few cool things are happening this weekend--Saturday is the Affirmation Pool Party here in LA! It's a completely new, non-blogging group of gay mormons to meet! I'm super excited.

And I finally scored my second date with Damian. We're going to see Up in 3D. (Is it still chauvinistic to want to pay for everything if you're both men? I just feel like I want to pay since I've been doing so well... Thoughts?)

Anyway, thank you all again for being a special part of my life. I love you all very much.

*apologies to initially leaving Ned and Frank off my list.

Flying To Friends: A Weekend Of Mohos and Flight Woes

I decided several months ago to book tickets to Salt Lake City for the May Moho Party. And as I landed in Phoenix, AZ after the first leg of my journey, I saw this sight:

I watch the patchwork farms
Slow fade into the ocean's arms
Calm down, release your cares
The stale taste of recycled air

The Postal Service - Recycled Air

It was an epic journey to say the least. When I landed, I was blessed with a visit from Austin. We sat in the classy Phoenix International Airport and discussed the drama and the joy in each others lives. From crazy haters chatting him up on his blog, to the troubles with his boyfriend's coming out to his family, to our perspectives of what it means to be Mormon and gay. A delightful time. My only complaint was that it was too short of a visit. I have a feeling we'll get to cross paths again, though. Before I went back through security, we snapped this pic:

If only I had realized that I'd be in the airport another 3 hours, I would have asked him to stay longer. Or maybe gone somewhere. It went down like this: I went back through security, and headed toward the gate indicated on my boarding pass. When I got there, I found that they'd moved the plane to the gate at THE EXTREME OTHER END OF THE ENTIRE TERMINAL!  I checked the signage and found that my flight was "On Time" and hustled the 2/3rds of a mile or so (thank goodness for moving walkways) to the new gate.  Upon arriving, I settle into the waiting area, only to realize that I've been called to the counter--everyone has been called to the counter--to receive a new boarding pass and a 10 dollar meal voucher, as our flight has been cancelled due to mechanical failure. The next flight wouldn't be leaving until 8:15, which meant that I was now scheduled to arrive in SLC at 11pm. The party would be drawing to a close by the time I arrived. Frustration and anger welled up inside of me. And rather than recap these feelings, I'll merely provide you with this link to the stream of conscience writing that I did after I finally boarded the plan.

CAUTION--READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED--OBSCENITIES AND BLASPHEMY THAT YOU CAN'T BELIEVE ARE WITHIN THIS DOCUMENT.

Well, I finally arrived and while waiting for Scott to pick me up, I spotted a guy who I thought was gay from when we boarded in Salt Lake, and he and I were alone on the platform waiting together, and I still kick myself for not just starting a conversation.  I need be be less of a coward--why shouldn't I just struck up a conversation with a cute boy, even if he is straight and/or I'll never see him again?  It's practice! Anyway, the party was fantastic.  I met some people for the first time, and some old friends were reunited.  My day had been so sour prior to that party, but when I walked in the door I felt like the Fonz "HEEEEEY!" And was immediately happy.  Special thanks to all those people who waited until I got their before leaving--especially Clint.  His blog was the first one that really spoke to me, and it was so well written, not to mention our common background in media production.  We became fast friends, and I was so happy that he waited for me.  Hugs were administered.  Smiles were shared, and conversation, though painfully brief, was delightful.  Sadly, he left not 10 minutes after my arrival.  I had so many other new friends there though, the sadness didn't hit me until the next morning.

Before I left, I snapped this picture of the greatest couple--our gracious hosts, Scott and Sarah.

The next morning as I watched "Were The World Mine" (excellent film, I'll buy it--I already have the soundtrack) I got a little sad. As I played scrabble with the kids, I felt increasingly depressed. As I drove to the airport with Scott, I questioned him about how he felt watching a movie like that--didn't it make him ill? It made me ill thinking about him--having detrimental side effects to his life no matter what he does. He answered my questions--he's such a wonderful man and Sarah is such a wonderful woman. Their strength makes me feel so inadequate.

I was doing a lousy job of holding by my tears as I wished Scott a goodbye. Hugged once--then twice. Told him how much I loved him and his family. I turned away and walked inside, and started bawling.

I'm sure I was a sight to see. The perky TSA agent who checked my ticket didn't bat an eye, and for that I was grateful. Her concern would have turned my muffled tears into an outright wail. Even now I'm not 100% sure why I cried. I felt so tumultuous inside, I felt despair at leaving such dear friends behind that I'd shared mere minutes with. I felt the weight of decisions not mine to make, and the fear and trepidation of consequences not yet meted out. I cried because I have so much love in my life and my path is so easy. It seems that I must be an incredibly weak soul, for God to provide me with so many blessings and so few trials--knowing just how little I would be able to handle.

I learned that Clint was departing from the same Terminal and Concourse as I, and so I was delighted to find that I got another 40 minutes to hang out with him before going home. He could see my tears and I felt no shame in them... but I think I did a piss-poor job of explaining them. When surrounded by strangers, it's hard to have a conversation about what you're feeling.

I got a picture of my friend before I boarded:

And as I sailed away into the sky, I saw the otherworldly appearance of the great Salt Lake--and the illusion it created that we were already miles above the earth, when we'd actually taken off moments earlier.

Why have I been blessed?
Why do I deserve this?
Who will ever love me?
Will I ever know with a surety that my path is good?

And I closed my eyes and leaned back, and tried to understand.

Another Amazing Happenstance

So my life is very odd--coincidences happen to me all the time, and once again I've found myself privileged to be be a victim of happenstance.

Some of you may recall a recent post in which I spoke of my growing stalker tendencies. This post was a result of being ignored by another guy on OKcupid.

Well, about two weeks later, I was "matched" by the "Quiver Match" system to a guy named Spencer. I decided to write him based primarily on his use of the phrase "Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints" as an exclamation in one section of his profile.  I mentioned that I thought it was funny, probably because I had been raised LDS.

Well, he wrote back inquiring about my experience with the Mormon Church, and whether my departure had been dramatic and sudden or more of a drifting away. He also mentioned seeing a one man show about an ex-Mormon. I responded and told him it was pretty sudden on the outside, but very gradual inside, and that the show to which he was referring was probably either "Confessions of a Mormon Boy" or "Missionary Position" by Steven Fales. I provided him a link my blog, specifically the post about Missionary Position, and extend the invitation for him to read more to get a better idea of my journey.

Anyway, to make a long story short (too late), we get to talking. And he casually asks me,

"What was the name of the guy you were stalking, the editor in NoHo?"

"His name was Brandon, I think."

"He's my best friend." 

Uh oh.

"But I won't tell!"

Sigh of relief.

Except he did tell him. He mentioned to Brandon that "there's this blog I'm reading that you should check out--but don't be surprised if some of it seems familiar"

Yeah, so I have had both of these fellows reading my blog. Hi guys! Is the gay community really that small? I guess so. At least the gay editing community--that's me, Brandon and Clint so far!

Anyway, I don't really care that he told Brandon about this blog, I'm sure he was amused to learn how his inaction caused my angst-written blog post, and that's dandy.

I've continued to converse with Spencer, and he's a really awesome guy who I have great conversations with. I look forward to our chats and it aggravates me to know that he's moving to Sacramento in a month, because I feel like he could be a really good friend, and I don't feel like I have any really close gay friends. :(

So what continues to bother me is that these two guys are close friends, and undoubtedly have a lot in common and get along really well. So chances are, if I'm getting along well with one, I'd probably get along well with the other. So it makes it all the more damning to think that there's cool gay people who could potentially be awesome friends with me right in my own section of LA, and yet I remain not merely boyfriendless, but "gay best friendless". :(

WTFIWTBS?!?!

And I Am Afraid!

So I'm sure you're all well aware of the National Organization for Marriage's ridiculous video regarding their new "Rainbow Coalition" to prevent marriage equality.

It makes me sad to think that millions of dollars are being spent to keep gay families from forming--and yet, they form regardless.  Just as you can't stop a rainstorm, you can't stop marriage equality.  It's coming--and everyone will someday be sheltered by the same legal umbrella. (Okay, sorry for taking the analogy so far!)

Anyway, the style of this video reminded my of my friend Seth, the first gay christian I ever met.  He was the one who helped me realize that I didn't have to be a Godless heathen to embrace my whole self.  Back before any of this nonsense with Prop 8 was even a blip on the radar, Seth made the video below:

New Apologetics

It's an incredible work, and I find it funny that the style is very similar. Though, I have to say, it's sad to think that one college student with some friends can make a more professional looking spot than a 1.5 million dollar ad campaign.

BTW, Seth is the guy with the deep voice and long hair at the end, apologizing.

The Airport Pickup

Seinfeld says that the airport pickup is the most important indicator of friendship.

That being said, if I booked a flight to Scott's moho party on May 30th, and arrived mid-day on May 30th, or late Friday the 29th, who would be able to grab me from the Salt Lake airport and bring me to the party?

And who would be willing to put up with me--er, I mean, put me up for the night?

Let me know! I'd really appreciate getting all this figured out before I book tickets, and the longer I wait, the higher the prices get!

Oh, and I still have some good lengthy updates coming, including a brief review of "In Quiet Desperation".  Stay tuned!

This is what happens--

I didn't read blogs while I was in Yosemite.

BIG MISTAKE.

Now I've got about 30 entries to catch up on.

I considered just hitting "mark all as read", but I care about you all too much to want to miss anything you've uncovered, discovered and felt while I was exploring.

So give me some time, and I'll get back on track!

Yosemite

Seriously guys--who wants to take a weekend to Yosemite with me and stay at the this lodge?
Cuddling is optional, though highly recommended!
It's times like these that I really wish I had a boyfriend... :(

Another Strange Coincidence...

Just a short note tonight.

Ty Mansfield was a Missionary in the Augusta, Maine Stake back in 1998ish, when I was living there with my mother and siblings.

We always loved Mansfield, and when we learned that he had sold Cutco Knives door-to-door to pay for his mission, we named his favorite Cutco knife, "The Spatula Spreader", the "Mansfield Knife" in his honor.

Through my mother, I reconnected with Ty on Facebook and discovered that we had many mutual moho friends... and I asked him that famous question "are you one, too?"

His response was simple--

I co-authored the following book, to answer your question:
http://deseretbook.com/store/product/4772927

I feel simultaneously foolish and privileged to have been served by Mansfield while he was a missionary. I guess now I have to read the book--which I bought a good year ago but never read.

Small world, huh?

Were The World Mine, I'd Be Thinner...

Not a long post today, but wanted to give a couple of updates:

Tonight I'm going to a screening of a film and panel discussion with Andrew, a gay christian who reads mine and Chedner's blogs and lives in Los Angeles.

Here's the blurb:

Do I Look Fat?
From the personal stories of seven gay men who have struggled, or continue to struggle, with eating disorders and body image issues, Do I Look Fat? uncovers reoccurring and interconnecting themes that support this "self-esteem disorder." Film will be followed by a discussion. Directed by Travis Matthews, 2005, 58 minutes.

I'm looking forward to making friends with a member of our "extended" family, and maybe learning some information about body image problems.  Though I don't have an eating disorder, I definitely have body image issues.

Secondly, after watching a trailer for "Were The World Mine" on D.'s blog, I went to Amazon and bought the movie--or so I thought.  When it arrived, I realized that I'd bought the soundtrack.  The movie has not yet been released on DVD!

After an initial feeling of disappointment, I ripped the tracks and began to listen.  I am still not through the whole album, because I was stopped dead in my tracks by the amazing track title track "Were The World Mine" (click to listen)

And I will sing that they shall hear, / That I am not, I am not afraid, / I am not afraid / I know not by what power I'm made bold, / But still you flout my insufficiency / The more my prayer, the lesser is my grace.

I am not afraid! I shall not fear! But I know that my boldness comes from my knowledge of my heavenly father's love, and the love of my friends and family.  The church, in all it's follies, took my prayer, and made my grace lesser by taking the joy from my life and telling me that somehow I was "lesser".

Best wishes and love to all my friends everywhere.  Try to remember that I'm hear for all of you if you ever want to call me or IM me.

An Amazing Turn Of Events!

Okay, I literally had the most crazy, serendipitous, coincidental happenstance yesterday afternoon! I was literally floored and all smiles and energy for the rest of the day. I have to share this with you!

So during some down time at work, I was perusing the "Strictly Platonic" m4m section of craigslist, (I know what you're thinking, but I really was looking more for friends or dating, hence the platonic/misc romance section.) and I came across and ad titled "i want to die... - m4m - 19".

In his post, he talked about how he was depressed and wanted to be dead--he wasn't going to kill himself, but he just needed someone who was around his age who he could talk to about it, who understood.

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I was in a similar place this weekend, so I responded and basically condensed my last two posts into an e-mail. I told him that I was 22 and I'd been there, and if he wanted to chat about it, he could IM me.

And so he did.

Christopher told me that he was very grateful for my e-mail, and that it was evident to him that I "got it". He said he felt weird because had two or three close friends online, but he felt like talking to strangers. That's not weird at all, in my opinion. I told him that you want someone totally removed, so you can share only what you feel is relevant and not be judged based on pre-existing grudges or opinions. I think that made him feel validated, which I feel is always vital to do--when someone is down, you need to validate them, tell them it's okay to feel shitty, and that they're entitled to feel how they feel.

After some chit-chat, Christopher (figuratively) turned the mic over to me, and this is the transcript of what happened (cleaned up a bit for ease of reading)

Christopher: so if you don't mind me asking, what are your issues? do you want to rant?
Christopher: i mean
Christopher: just bitch about any and everything without me judging you or thinking they are insignificant
Ezra: Well, I don't mind sharing with you
Ezra: it's pretty straightforward on the surface, actually.
Ezra: Obviously, I was browsing the m4m platonic personals, so you can probably figure I'm gay.
Christopher: i wasn't going to ask, but had a feeling
Ezra: Well, I only came out in September.
Ezra: I was raised LDS (Mormon) my whole life.
Christopher: AOFMASDIHASOIHC"ASDOFIHASNDOIMASDIHOSHAS
Christopher: fuckkkkkkk you
Christopher: awesome!!!!
Christopher: ME TOO
Christopher: omg
Christopher: best friends
Ezra: Are you serious?
Christopher: haha
Ezra: WOW
Christopher: ok go on
Ezra: Dude, welcome to the Moho club!
Ezra: (Mormon Homosexual!)

Ezra: moho!

Christopher: time for a virtual hug
Ezra: HAHAHA
Christopher: awesome!
Ezra: *HUG*
Christopher: well my heart just went crazy beating
Christopher: there are so few of us
Ezra: That's awesome. Yes, there are very few

Christopher: or rather
Christopher: you know what i mean
Ezra: I know lots of gay mormons (at least 20) but most of them live in the Salt Lake area
Christopher: yeah i know just a few
Ezra: that i've met through the moho queerosphere
Christopher: i mean i know there are a lot
Christopher: just not as many that admit it
Ezra: OMG you've just made my day.
Ezra: :)
Christopher: and VERY few that are out and STILL consider themselves mormon
Christopher: seriously
Ezra: Right. Do you still consider yourself mormon?
Christopher: well
Christopher: haha
Christopher: good question
Christopher: but i think you know what i mean
Ezra: I consider myself definately culturally mormon
Ezra: it'll always be part of me
Ezra: I see no reason to throw the baby out with the bathwater in terms of all the good things the church represents
Christopher: thank you
Christopher: thank you
Ezra: but basically, I came to the realization that there was no future for me in the church
Christopher: BECAUSE!!
Christopher: you can't keep going to youth activities
Ezra: and one sunday, I just stood up after sacrament meeting i stood up and realized i wasn't coming back
Christopher: and elder's quorum is just AWKWARD
Christopher: and you can't serve a mission nor do you really want to...
Christopher: and it's like...
Christopher: why am i still here?
Ezra: Exactly

Our conversation continued for quite a while, and we talked about a lot of things--but needless to say, I told him we have to hang out.  He said that sounded good, but "first and foremost", he cautioned, "I have someone right now".

I laughed.  I told him I'd be lying if I said that it hadn't crossed my mind, but that I was mostly just interested in getting to know him--one Moho to another.

My father always used to say that when life is full of serendipity and coincidence, and things just "fall into place" it's because you are in harmony with the universe, and heading down the right path.

:) I'm all smiles.

Emo-licious No More

Hey guys.

I was going to apologize for being so emo-licious in the previous post, but I realized that there is no need to. I need not be ashamed for getting depressed. It was what it was, and there is nothing to be sorry about.

I'm grateful that I have this network of people, my close friends and family who send me their love and their prayers every day. I realize that as down as I get sometimes, I always come around. Because I can't stay down when I realize how fortunate I am.

Thanks for everything. Get angry, yell and scream, feel suicidal--it's okay--you need to let the feelings out, or they grow, like a festering wound. Just don't wallow in them forever. Count your many blessings, name them one by one.

So here goes-- 25 things I'm blessed with.

1. My health.
Yes, I got sick this weekend, but I'm pretty much healthy as a horse most days. Especially now that I'm hitting the gym, I feel better than ever most days.

2. The best siblings in the world.
I just do. You may think yours are great, but mine are WAAAY better. :)

3. Having lived in many different parts of the country.
It's helped me be an open minded and loving individual. If I'd stayed in the Mormon Utah Bubble my whole life, I can't even pretend to imagine where I'd be. Probably dead.

4. An amazing body.
When I get past my own body image issues, I realize that I have a great body, a wonderful body, with strong, powerful legs, slender waist and big, broad shoulders. I have a clear complexion and a cute face. I'm very flexible. My body is able to store energy in the form of fat for lean times... it's able to use that energy for other purposes later. In the words "my body machine is super keen." (That's a very obscure reference, btw).

5. The ability to change the things I don't like about my body.
Thank God I'm not disabled, or ugly, or mangled or burned--I'm just overweight. And with patience and determination, I'll shed those pounds. I don't need them any more. I'm done with my shield. I'm ready to go into the world un-armored.

6. My job.
In this economy, I am immensely glad that I'm employed in a well paying job with a small company that is training me and teaching me and essentially allowing me to build a network, should I ever need to find new employment!

7. My maturity and courage.
When I encounter a problem, I might get depressed, but I always win--I attack the problem, finding a solution, even when it's scary.

8. The internet, and its power to help me to never feel alone.
You are all like my extended family. I'm so blessed that we have this tool, this marvelous wonderful tool called the internet that allows us to find each other and lift each other up. If I had known just ONE gay Mormon, setting the example some of you are setting, I probably would have had a much healthier childhood.

9. Hot water.
It seems silly, but every time I am in the shower, I realize that I have the most decadent luxury in the world in my apartment. It makes me immensely happy.

10. Ice.
Another decadent luxury that I can't possibly imagine life without. It's actually one reason I don't look forward to traveling in Europe.

11. Not being stuck anymore.
Even though moving forward is often scary and painful, I'm glad I'm not dammed up--stagnant--anymore. I used to see stories on TV about women in abusive relationships, and I could never understand why they wouldn't just leave--escape from that toxic environment. But now I can relate to what it must be like--I've had a 22 year long abusive relationship with the church, and every day I imagine going back. But there is only forward motion.

12. My bike and my ability to ride and steer with NO HANDS.
I can't tell you how fun it is to ride down the Chandler Bike path in Burbank, steering gracefully around the pedestrians on the sidewalk, using both hands to conduct the music on my iPod as a sail through the brisk evening air. In spite of still feeling kind of sick today, I took this little trip today:

And while I was on this delightful ride, (partially in the rain, which I know is great when you're trying to get healthy) I was able to meet up with some friends for a few moments, get a Grande Carmel Apple Spice drink from Starbucks, and snap the photo at the top of this entry, which I kinda like for some reason. I think it's the power lines, I've always been a fan of power lines.

I wasn't able to get the rainbow on camera, because by the time I went inside to get it, it'd gone.

13. My iPod.
Music helps me get through the day, and having a constant companion that doesn't mind when I sign along to the tunes is invaluable.

14. My workout is yielding results.
As I've stated previously, I've lost about 20 pounds since last summer. If I was more committed, I could lose more, but low and slow seems to be the best way lose weight in such a way as to keep it off. I feel healthier, and more energized now that I attend the gym 3-4 times a week.

15. No one has disowned me.
At the end of the day, my coming out experience was practically painless--at least the pain that was felt was generated solely from within, and not from anyone's outward ignorance.

16. I have sufficient for my needs.
My income surpasses my expenses, and that's without penny pinching. I'm very very blessed.

17. Knowledge that I'm a good person.
I just know it. Sometimes I get down on myself, but I realize I'm doing my best, and I have a real desire to serve, and it part of the reason I know I'm a chosen son of God.

18. Knowledge that God loves me.
Isn't that the greatest thing? I wish I could get a hug from him, but I guess I'll have to deal with his proxies--my friends and family--to feel his love in a physical way. But I do know this is true, even when it feels desperately lonely.

19. My whole life is ahead of me.
I've figured out A LOT for a 22 year old. I am often told that I seem to have it really together for someone my age. In fact, a couple of the guys I've dated have said that they normally go for older guys, but I seem to have my act together... I definitely feel old sometimes.

20. All the times I've screwed up.
Because they make me humble, and help me to learn and grow. One of my favorite quotes is from John N. Mitchell. "The finest steel has to go through the hottest fire". So it shall be with us.

21. Singing!
See #13. I love singing, and it makes me feel good.

22. Living in Southern California.
As much as I miss New England, I am very grateful to be here. The sun generally makes me happy, and California has allowed me to progress in a way I was never capable of back east--Prop 8 catalyzed me into action regarding my sexuality and my future, and in turn motivated me to start getting in shape. It's all wonderful.

23. Each day I get to start over.
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.

24. Forgiveness.
I think that God sometimes gives us permission to make mistakes and sin. Not because he condones it, but because he is omnipotent, and understands that sometimes, no matter how many times you tell a child that they shouldn't touch the stove, they need to get burned to really understand. For some, they are content to be told and live in faith. But I think I'm that idiot that has to feel the pain himself before he gets the picture. Thankfully, those wounds heal, and all can be forgiven.

25. Me.
This is hard for me to say, because I'm not sure this is something I'm really ready to state, but I'm so exceedingly grateful to be me. To have had my experiences, to have my mind and soul, with all it's hardships and trials, I've had a truly beautiful, rich existence. I'm incredibly lucky to have seen all that I've seen, felt all that I've felt, and accomplished all that I've accomplished. God has put me in a special place in this world, and I still believe that I'm here for a very special purpose.

So hopefully this post will be a cheerier read for all of you. Life is worth living, if only because I need to meet all of you in person one day!

Thanks,

Your friend, Ezra.

Sad Strangers

Yesterday I was driving home from the gym, talking on my (wired!) headset to my sister in Maine.  We try to talk at least once a week.  When I was about 2/3rds of the way home, I received a text message from Andrew, a college friend who I'd committed to pick up at the airport.

Blast! I felt silly having been heading in the wrong direction for that whole time.

(I'm not going to turn this post into a commentary on that last sentence and the deeper truth that lies within it, though it's very tempting. I think my readers are smart enough to feel where I might go with that)

So I swung all the way around--north, then west on the 101, then south on the 405 to Century Blvd.  Andrew is gay, and now that I am more comfortable and "out", I get special delight in re-visiting my old gay friends.  I used to be somewhat uncomfortable around my gay friends, because I feared that they, being gay, had some special sixth sense, and would quickly figure out my dark secret.  I feared I'd be outted by them--not directly, perhaps--but maybe people would notice the similarities between me and my gay friends and come to a (correct) conclusion that I, too, was homosexual.

Well, all that crap is in the past now.  When I got to the airport, Andrew and I embraced in a way that seems exclusive to homosexuals and close family--that great big unrestrained bear hug of joy at seeing someone you care about after a long absence.

Mind you, I've no interest in a relationship with Andrew, but I love hugs and I do care about my friends very deeply.

We drove towards where he was staying in Sherman Oaks, and we stopped and got In-N-Out for dinner.  (I limit myself to no more than once a week, because I literally get giddy when I eat In-N-Out, it's just that good.  It makes up for the lack of decent pizza out here).

While we were talking, I noticed a guy sitting alone on a stool at the bench.  He looked to be in his low to mid 20's (I'm a terrible estimator of age) and slender with a jacket and a cap, five-o-clock shadow, and moist, sad eyes.

I couldn't help but watch him.  He looked as if he was really upset, yet didn't want to show the world his pain.  My heart reached out to this guy, and I really really wanted to go over and ask him what was wrong.  We made eye contact one or two times, but I didn't get a read on him.  I hesitated, minutes slipping by, trying to talk myself into going over and asking "is everything ok?"

But the moment slipped away.  He muttered something to him self, got up, dumped his trash and left.

Earlier this week I'd been reading articles about picking up a guy, and I'd committed myself to at least try striking up a conversation with someone I find attractive.  Why didn't I do it?  A wasted opportunity.  I feared that maybe he just wanted to be left alone--there was a reason he wasn't letting his tears flow--and maybe if I approached him, he'd be angry with me for not minding my own business.   But maybe he would have been grateful that in cold, uncaring, "blade-runner city" LA, someone at least tried to reach out.

But I still feel cheap, because my motivation wasn't 100% altruistic.  I thought he was cute and wanted to talk to him.  Eh, what are you going to do.

We're all sad strangers, walking the streets alone at night, staring up at the stars.  Wondering if somewhere out there your other half is looking at those same celestial bodies, questioning if he'll ever find his.

*sigh*

Missionary Position (A One Man Play)

Tonight I went to see "Missionary Position" by Steven Fales, author of "Confessions of a Mormon Boy" with Alan of Scrum Central at the Celebration Theatre in West Hollywood, CA. (That's a lot of links in one sentence, huh?)

The play hit home in so many ways, and as Steven knelt down and pleaded and haggled with God to "make [him] straight" I just wanted to hug him.

And not because he was really cute with a smile that lights up a room.  But because I saw myself in him.  His portrayal of his pre-mission teenage self, begging with God for forgiveness about his "self abuse" problem, begging to be made straight, cut me to the core.

I saw my 19 year old self, sitting in church on a Sunday, crying in the pew with my head down, asking God why I couldn't be free from this evil.  I'd sit and imagine my death and, despite the intense pain accompanying the impact with an oncoming T (subway) train, how sweet the release of death would be.

Throughout the play, Fales breaks into verse from classic Mormon hymns.  Ye Elders of Israel; Shoulder To The Wheel; Called To Serve; and more, and it was hard not to sing along.

In the first ten minutes, Fales jokes about how being a missionary for two years is like paying tithing on the first 20 years of your life.  I lost it and laughed very loudly when no one else in the theater did.  He looked right at me, and said "Oh, hello Elder!"  He knew I must be Mormon, and it was wonderful to see his eyes light up.

The show is not going to go over well with most Mormons, which is a shame, because so much of the show is lost on it's generally non-mormon audience.  For once I kind of felt like an honored guest or a member of an exclusive club--I was perfectly positioned, along with Alan, to get both the "gay" jokes and the "mormon" jokes!  Alan does a very delightful review (he wrote it next to me while I was sitting on the couch writing this, actually!) so I'm not going to re-hash it for you.  Needless to say, it was a grand old time.

After the play, Alan and I went to talk to Steven.  I gave him a hug and we "outted" ourselves to him.  He was so warm and receptive, and was so glad we came to the show.  I think he was genuinely pleased to know that we were all in the same boat.  Of course, I got an autograph and a photograph to remember the occasion.