June 25th, 2007

Dear Journal,

It’s been a long week. On Monday I volunteered at the Church cannery and probably moved 6,000 cans of apricots in my four hour shift. Later, during the week, I got really depressed about having no friends and my struggle with homosexuality. So I called and talked to Bishop O. I tried not to cry when I was on the phone with him. But it did make me feel better. I need to persue making friends with Gunnar. I think he and I should make good friends. I’m just to creeped out to go to “Zumiez” in the mall and talk to him. Call it fear, stupidity, or maybe I’m nervous that he’ll see through me, see that I’m not a very good Mormon, or even that I’m gay. Fear. Discomfort. Anguish. These are the things that make me who I am. Am I really just an “underdeveloped” man who never developed his manhood and so he longs for the manhood of another? Or am I doomed by God because of some sin? Who knows.

Moving on, this week Dad had his Herb Walk this week, and it was very successful. Everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves and I seemed to be really liked by all the women who visited. In particular, Tanya from California. She seemed to really like me and she was a sweet old lady—I carried her backpack for her into Zion because it was hard for her to walk. She was such a trooper, I’m hoping to keep in touch with her.

Did a little budgeting today and I’m still wondering how I’m going to afford school. I imagine God will take care of me, especially as I have a testimony of the power of tithing and have been paying in full. This morning I ran for as long as I could at 8am. I couldn’t get far, but I’m going to try to get up each morning and run until I have to stop, and hopefully reverse my obesity. Wish me luck and persistence.

A New Series

Starting tomorrow, I'll be posting a journal entry from the summer and fall of 2007 every day until July 5th.

I'm not really sure why I want to do this. It's old news, it's angst and pain and not particularly pleasant for present day me to read--maybe because I still feel like I gave up.

Tell me if you think this is a bad idea... I've posted old journal entries before, but I couldn't really tell what people thought about them.

To get you started, feel free to read this entry, from June 17th, 2007, which I posted back in December. It'll all move forward from there.

Affirmation Young Adult Cornerstone

Canyon and I will be attending the 1st ever Affirmation Young Adult Cornerstone Conference in San Francisco, CA on July 17th and 18th (Fri/Sat). It's $20. Check it out if you can, it'd be awesome to see some familiar faces there. You never know what could happen!

Halfway Sacrament

halfway sacrament
by christopher davis (the Moho I met on craigslist)

oh God, the Eternal Father
i ask thee this day if i should even bother
for i'm damned if i do and i'm damned if i don't
the efforts i make either matter or won't

i could love with the one i would love to, oh Lord,
or live sad and alone, claim a deathly "reward"
but even then i can't be with the one i would choose
no matter how i play, in the end i will lose

so to enjoy life at all, i must do this one sin
but i'll try to meet you halfway, amen

A Tough Week

As many of you know, I had a tremendously hard week emotionally. Several factors contributed to this.

1. Going to Pride and feeling unattractive and uncomfortable with myself made me feel like I was back in the closet again. While at the event, an announcer said "Aren't you proud to be gay?" My heart screamed NO. No, not at all. I am terrified and ashamed that I was still unhappy with being gay. This could be a post unto itself, so I'm going to move on.

2. I've been averaging 60 work hours a week for the last 8 weeks. This is taking a heavy toll on the following:

3. Physical well-being--It's harder to eat well and find time to hit the gym when you're always at work.

4. Emotional well-being--I have to be diplomatic and focused for long long stretches, which requires you to repress emotions to maintain professionalism.

5. Social well-being--I think I've gotten about 2 visits from a friend (not counting a trip to the moho party) in this 8 week period. I also haven't been able to go on my second date with Damian because our schedules keep conflicting.

So basically, you can imagine that I am worn pretty thin. I've also noticed that these bouts of depression seem to come at about 4-5 week intervals, which leads me to believe it may be a bio-rhythm as well.

Well, I wrote some pretty scary things on this blog. I'm sorry for scaring you. I feel bad that I don't always know how to reach out and get the help. It's embarrassing to me that I'm so far along, so "out" and yet I'm still so ashamed of myself. Self acceptance for ANYTHING has never come easily to me, and certainly not for being gay. When everyone else seems to be so much more comfortable, or at least putting on such a better face than me, I feel inferior.

My friend Brett moved here from Peoria, IL and is interning at a late night show here in LA. He's only been out 2 months or so, and he's just so confident and cool about it. He's already gotten some dates in just the week or two he's been here. He's not any better looking for me. He's not in better shape than me. But he clearly has the confidence and presence to attract cute guys. It makes me feel so envious.

On top of all this angst-causing bullshit, my Los Angeles BISHOP called me out of the blue because he wanted to "meet". I told him that I was fine and didn't need to meet. It made me feel angry and I wanted to scream "I'm a fucking faggot! Leave me alone!" But I didn't.

I was feeling pretty shitty--but this time it was different than other times--I was too calm, and that made me nervous, because with the calmness it made me feel in control, when I knew I wasn't. I was so alone, and I needed help, but was too proud, and too ashamed to ask. "I don't deserve help," I reasoned.

And yet, despite my efforts to push these people away from me, they wouldn't leave me alone. They checked in on me, expressed their love, called, texted, e-mailed, and undoubtedly prayed for me.

Thank you (in no particular order) to

Clint M.

Michael W.

Cam W.

Alan W.

Drew S.

Grant H.

Troy D.

MohoHawaii

Bravone
Frank S.
Ned J.

Greg V.

Canyon E.

Scott N.

Sarah N.

Sarah T.

My Mom

If I've left anyone out, please know I valued you reaching out to--I was literally taken aback at how many people cared enough to say something to me, or listen to me rant, and so I might have forgotten someone in the flood of concern and love.

I wanted to keep this short, but this post's chance at brevity is long past, so I'll forge ahead.

Everyone said things that were helpful, but I wanted to share two quotes from Clint and Scott.

Scott: There will never be a time that you could suicide and *not* cause people pain and trouble. I love you, and losing you will hurt, even if it's 80 years from now and due to natural causes. Mostly I just wanted to let you know that I love you

Ezra: I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel undeserving of the friends I have. God knows I wouldn't be friends with me. I'd run like hell in the opposite direction from this train wreck

Scott: It isn't up to you to decide who's friends with you. I get to choose who I'm friends with, and I like you. You can choose whether or not to reciprocate that friendship, but you're getting it from me either way. And I'll always count myself lucky to know you.

Ezra: I'm 22 and I'm giving up. How fuckin' pathetic is that? You'd be crazy to want to know a loser like that.

Scott: I like you just because you're *you*. Because I like *Ezra*.

----

Clint: If you were [a selfish asshole], then people wouldn't care. Trust me. I've had friends who were/are jerks. I don't call them and I don't call other people to check up on them when I can't. You think trying to make other people hate you will make you feel justified in hating yourself, but it won't. We think you are someone worthwhile. You may not think that of yourself, but might have to trust us to not be complete morons. You don't have to start loving yourself before other people can love you."

My mother probably put it the most succinctly. She said "Be nice to Ezra, I like him".

It's funny how sometimes a slight change in semantics can cause a paradigm shift. I realized that if I saw a friend treating someone I cared about the way I treat myself, I'd not stand for it. It's hard for me to do things for myself--maybe it's that self-flagellation that I've been performing for so many years. But I love to serve others--and I am fiercely loyal to my friends. And my friends are telling me to stop being so hard on myself--so maybe I can do it for them. It would hurt me to see one of my friends treated this way, so I can imagine the distress it must cause them to see me so abusive and not be able to intervene because it's inside of me.

Sorry if that's a bit "out there", but it's true. I am trying to see this from a new perspective.

I've also committed myself to visiting a psychotherapist on Monday, and presumably if I feel a good vibe off of him (I already do) will begin seeing him regularly. He comes recommended from a gay co-worker, and Dr. Tony is "family" which is nice, too. Hopefully you folks can rest a little easier knowing I'm seeking help.

And a few cool things are happening this weekend--Saturday is the Affirmation Pool Party here in LA! It's a completely new, non-blogging group of gay mormons to meet! I'm super excited.

And I finally scored my second date with Damian. We're going to see Up in 3D. (Is it still chauvinistic to want to pay for everything if you're both men? I just feel like I want to pay since I've been doing so well... Thoughts?)

Anyway, thank you all again for being a special part of my life. I love you all very much.

*apologies to initially leaving Ned and Frank off my list.

In Just One Year...

From the latest Affirmation Newsletter:

Who would have thought a year ago, or even a few weeks ago for that matter, that by the time we got to Pride Month, 2009, that the following statements would be true?

Dick Cheney has come out as more publicly supportive of marriage equality than Barack Obama.1

Iowa is now more gay-affirming than California.2

More people in the United States are afraid or distrustful of Mormons than of gay people.3

1. Dick Cheney came out this month in favor of full marriage equality; Barack Obama has said that he is in favor of the legal benefits of marriage, but not of calling our relationships “marriage.”

2. Iowa is one of six states (with more coming) that now has full marriage equality. The California Supreme Court has now overturned that state’s marriage equality law, creating three legal classes of citizens in California: straight people, who can marry each other (one man and one woman at a time) at will, 18,000 same-gender couples married in 2008, who are married to their present spouse (but who are not permitted to remarry in the event of death or divorce), and the rest of California’s citizens who are not permitted to marry.

3. A Washington Post article on May 29, cites a poll showing that “more people in the United States harbor apprehensions about Mormons than about homosexuality.” The article goes on to state that 80% of Americans know or work with a gay person, 48% know or work with a Mormon.

4. This is what the post is about.

OST's and OGT's

I've been meaning to create this post for a while, but I haven't gotten around to it until now. Everyone talks about these "Obviously Gay Traits" and "Obviously Straight Traits", but what it should be is "Stereotypical Straight Traits" and "Stereotypical Gay Traits" since it is clear that we are all gay in this sphere, yet we have a pretty balanced mix of "gay" and "straight" traits.

But it's fun anyway.

Stereotypically Gay:
-My voice pitches up when I get excited
-I've never been into watching or playing sports
-I sing showtunes and other songs in my car
-I can't live without frequent hugs and massages
-I am hyper sensitive. Disney movies and sappy endings make me cry, I'm easily upset by the suffering of others, etc.
-I cook, and love to teach myself to cook new things
-I have been doing my own laundry since I was in 6th grade or so
-I've never dated/kissed/made out with a woman
-I don't mind asking for directions
-I did musical theater productions in high school
-I was in choir
-I was never athletic

Stereotypically Straight
-I drive a manual transmission
-I love being outdoors, hiking, swimming and exploring
-I have mostly straight male friends my whole life (up until the last year or so
-My sense of direction is excellent
-I resent needing to ask for help
-I can open stubborn jars and bottles
-I'm not flamboyant
-I find history and politics fascinating
-I don't read fashion or gossip magazines/websites

I'm sure there's plenty more that I'm forgetting... Let me know if you can think of them