May 21st, 2001

But I could only go two days.  It makes me cringe--I couldn't even write the words.

Dear Journal,

Today I had a major setback-recession if you will.  After a weekend of abstention, I did two P’s and 4 m’s—oh man, this is not cool at all.  I read an article in the newest issue of The New Era, and there was a short article on passing the sacrament by.  It made me feel funny because I have to do that.  Hopefully I’ll have the courage to talk to the Bishop about my other problem. [gay pornography/being gay] I love Jesus Christ and his plan of repentance.  It lets me make mistakes without condemning me forever.  Goodnight.  Ezra Horne.

No, but I condemned myself.

Graphs Are Cool

I love graphs. And this one makes me particularly happy. I love that blogging about being gay and mormon is clearly at least twice as fascinating as my "regular life" which is discussed on my other blog, Ezra's Ramblings.

May 20th, 2001

The next day was successful and productive.

Dear Journal,

We went to church today and made the other batch of ice cream. I cleaned the spice cupboards, the cans area and the “snack rack”, as well as helped my brother make the gardens all afternoon. We lined the patches with bricks and/or the giant Lincoln logs and then put seeds in and mulched the area. We also fixed the steps that had gotten broken and planted a lilac bush. Anyway, I am confused about my math work, so I’m gonna try again tomorrow morning. Well, it’s 10:14, so I gotta go—it’s been 48 hours or more! Night! Ezra Horne.

“I will not drown in shallow waters”

I was so proud of myself.

May 19th, 2001

Over the next couple days, I'll be posting A short series of journal entries from May of 2001.

Dear Journal,

Today was mostly all work.  We roto-tilled the garden and planted potatoes and cleaned the downstairs, and I went all day today!  Tomorrow’s Sunday and we’re gonna go to church.  We made cakes and homemade vanilla ice cream.  I don’t wanna say much today—goodnight.  Ezra Horne.

More to come.

Crying Coward

I like crying.

It's weird, but I almost feel good while I'm crying.  It doesn't matter the reason--I could be crying tears of joy or pain or sadness--but I don't want to stop.

When I told my third Bishop (the one who actually cared and worked with me) that I was gay, I cried.  And after I left his office, I went into an empty classroom in the Cambridge Ward building, and cried my eyes out.  I sat in a corner, and I let it all out.  I didn't want to stop.  The emotional release was so powerful that I'll never forget it.

The heaving, the sobbing, the blowing the nose.  I love it.  I love watching movies that make me cry.  I cry at the end of October Sky, I cry during scenes in Into The Wild, I cry when I realize that the life I always dreamed about would never be mine.

Yesterday, (as noted in the previous post) I cried during therapy.  I don't remember exactly how we got onto this topic, but I told her that I didn't deserve to have the boyfriend I desired, that I didn't deserve good things.  She responded "Why do you think you don't deserve good things?"

And the tears started to well up.

Just writing that question, "Why don't you deserve good things?" is making my eyes wet again.

I couldn't give her an answer for a long time.  Eventually I concluded that the reason I don't deserve good things is because I'm too foul, too ugly, too sinful and lazy to be blessed.  I have it so easy, so many gifts and so many wonderful, loving people in my life, and yet I accomplish nothing.   So many others, with the weight of the whole world on their backs, great men and women have scarified and dragged themselves up from the bottom.  Yet I remain content with the middle.

I am a coward.

Time after time I kept coming back to the word coward.  I struggled to justify why I felt this way, but couldn't find the reasons--I just feel like a tiny little man, who's so broken and lonely that his true potential is lost.

Dammit.  I'm at work on my lunch break, and I've got tears rolling down my cheeks. F**k.

I received my Patriarchal blessing in the fall of 2007.  I had been working with my Bishop to become worthy to receive it for several months.   The day I got it was one of the most powerful spiritual experiences of my life.  And my blessing said this "There will be individuals in distant parts of the world who will speak your name with reverence even though they may have never met you because of what you have done to assist them to understand to gospel of Jesus Christ."

I've always felt that my purpose on this earth was so great, so important--that I would change the world.  It's my destiny.  I knew this since I was a kid.

But I don't see how someone so broken can fix anything.

I'm not even really a Mormon anymore--how can some ex-mormon faggot sinner teach anyone anything about the gospel of Jesus Christ?

I have to stop.

I have to get back to work.

I have to force myself to go on pretending that I know what I'm doing.

Wow

I cried in therapy yesterday.

Moho Comradrie - Reflections after the New Years Party

Last night I attended the Moho New Years party at Scott and Sarah's.  As indicated by my previous post, I was apprehensive about how the evening would go.   When I arrived, it took me a little while open up and get comfortable. Of course, one thing about a party full of Mormons is that we don't have the social lubricants used by most of society...

But things started to flow, and I met some wonderful people.  I would list them, but I wouldn't want to list names without permission.  Needless to say, everyone was really amazing, friendly, and fun.

After some delicious food and conversation, the karaoke came out, and I sang showtunes and James Taylor and more with D. from "No Day But Today", and though I couldn't always hit the highest notes, I still thoroughly enjoyed myself--I should go to a karaoke place sometime.

After we rang in 2009 with sparkling cider/juices and a toast to our host, we settled in to a game of Catch Phrase.  I thoroughly enjoyed this--some of the highlights included one of Scott's boys saying "it's something you hang up at christmas", and accepting the answer "Holly Berry", when the phrase he'd been reading was actually "Halle Barry"; and a clue to get "gizmo"--"It sounds like that prison in Cuba".  Hilarious times.

I was graciously allowed to spend the night since I had 4+ hour drive back to St. George.  Alan from Scrum Central was also staying, and I was privileged to share some thoughts and feelings about the church and my life path.  Having the opportunity to discuss things with someone who understands the intellectual and spiritual perspective with out translation was so cathartic--I'm sure I'll enjoy discussing it with my therapist on Monday.  

One of the things that's interesting is that Alan has kids, and part of me is incredibly jealous that he has a family, something I've always wanted and continue to want.  Yet, he is jealous of me, and my coming to terms with myself at a young enough age that I'm able to choose a path o my own.  The grass is always greener on the other side?  Well, frankly, it all sucks, but we manage to make it work.

We must remember that the situations in which we are placed are exactly what we need to experience to grow into the person that God has in mind for us.  If was placed into Alan's situation, I might not be able to handle it, I might snap--but the converse is also true--Alan wouldn't necessary be the man he has become had his situation been different.

In the end, I am so blessed to have been able to attend.  On my drive home, I reflected on how far I've come, what I've learned, how much I've changed, and overall--how happy and at peace I feel.

It was an amazing moment, and as I drove home thinking fondly of all my new friends, the sun setting on the first day of a new year spoke to me so feircely that I pulled over and took this photo stitch.

Here's to a new year of beauty, happiness, and joy.

PS:  I thought some of you fellas were really cute... you probably know who you are... :)