The Letter's In The Mail

So I just hit send on my message to my mom. I felt like sharing it.

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Hey Mom,

I realize that it's been a long time since I wrote you a message of any major substance, but to be perfectly honest, I haven't really felt like talking to you much ever since you failed my litmus test.

You see, way back when I posted to my blog about the church's direct involvement with politics here in California, you responded by calling me a rebellious teenager, dismissed my questions and my invitation to discussion and understanding. I call this a litmus test because I've been filled with dread at the prospect of telling you something important.

I'm gay.

That's right, I like guys. I've known since I can remember, but I ran from it, fought it, prayed for it to go away, to change, so that I could be a good little Mormon and marry in the temple and go on a mission, but God has not seen fit to heal me.

I think that's because I'm not sick.

I've spent the best years of my life hiding, and being ashamed, and I'm not going to hide anymore. I'm slowly coming to accept and be at peace with myself as I am, and I hope you too can be at peace knowing that I love you and want you to be a part of my life.

I want to make it clear to you that this isn't anyone's "fault". You did the best you could raising all of your children--and I'm very blessed to have been sent to this earth to be in your care. I think of all the amazing things I was able to accomplish because of your unconditional love and support--my TV show, my radio show, plays, activities, etc. All because you chose to be a full-time mom.

You probably understand, better than most, the pain I've gone through in my life--you too had a vision of how your life was "supposed" to play out--you'd be married to a man for time and all eternity and raise many beautiful children who'd serve missions and have families--etc. And yet, something outside of your control sent you down a different path. I too grew up firmly believing that I should go on a mission, marry a woman in the temple, and have many children--and I really wanted that. But something outside of my control has sent me down a different path.

I wanted to tell you this in person, but I don't know how long it might be before I see you in person again, and I am tired of waiting to tell you.

Your loving son,

Ezra