If I could express to you the level of personal dismay and confusion I feel, I would probably have a book deal, because it would take the eloquence of someone like Thoreau or Hemingway to convey the thoughts I've got bouncing around in my head.
This weekend, I'm planning to hit "send" on an e-mail that I've drafted (the first part was written almost 4 months ago, and finished Sunday night.) to my mother. It's my coming out e-mail, and she's really the last person who really matters to me who doesn't know.
Big deal, right? You've already come out to everyone else, you're no longer living a lie, you've already been out of the church proper since September, so what?
I've been thinking something really scary and horrible and it frightens me almost as much as the realization and fear of being gay--that maybe I'm bisexual/straight.
If I were to venture a guess, I'm probably a 4 on the Kinsey Scale, "Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual". Without getting into too much detail, since I've "come out" and had some experience with male physical intimacy, I've found that I'm EXTREMELY picky when it comes to who I find attractive. So what?
Well, I can't look past the physical--I am extremely shallow for being a fat ass who's lucky to get anyone giving him the time of day. The guys I'm interested in are all white, clean cut and slender. I guess you could say I like twinks, though I don't really go for labels. I don't like effeminate guys, but I don't like overly "masc" guys either... I guess I just want someone like me--a nice guy who doesn't know anything about sports, but doesn't have an obsession with pop stars like Beyonce (not that there is anything wrong with either). So there's this tiny tiny window of what I'm actually attracted to, and everyone else I could care less about.
Well, when I've been in physical moments with guys I've dated, each time my desire for their physical body decreases very quickly, because they aren't what I'm looking for. But I've probably got this "ideal" guy in my head that I'll never get or find, and so I'll never be able to have it... how is that different from trying to live in celibacy in the gospel? I don't know.
The thing is, I don't know how to explain this without sounding perverse or rude. Frankly Mohos never seem to mention the sexual aspects of their attraction, (because we're all Mormon, and that stuff is taboo even in the hetero world).
So if discussing gay sex is a bit uncomfortable for you, I'd advise moving on to the next blog where everything is talked about euphemistically, if at all.
I don't desire cock. At least not the way it seems most (non-religious) gay people do. For example, if you're a red-blooded hetero male and you see a nice pair of breasts on someone whose face is "meh", you might still desire those luscious melons. Well, when I'm in the gym and I see a nice penis, it doesn't arouse me, and I don't desire to play with it or anything like that.
I don't fantasize about giving or getting anal sex. I don't get aroused at the thought of giving a blowjob--although getting one? Sure, but then again, most men, straight or gay enjoy getting one.
I am not disgusted or repulsed by women. I could easily keep it up for a woman and probably have a fun roll in the hay--but I don't admire women in the same way.
Lately I've been feeling decidedly sexually ambivalent, and somewhat confused about it. The fear lies in that if I'm bisexual, or even remotely hetero, then couldn't it be possible that I could someday find a woman I really love, physically and emotionally, and then live the path that the Mormon Church proscribes? It's why I'm terrified of coming out publicly--once you're "out of the closet" it's basically impossible to go back on your word.
My roommate's girlfriend confided in him that she "doesn't think I'm really gay". She has a lot of gay friends, both flamboyant and "straight-acting", and it bothers me that she could think that in a way. My older sister also questioned me when I came out, saying that maybe I was Bi--all her best friends are gay, and she just couldn't believe it.
I'm rambling now. I know this is all retarded--of course I'm gay. I watch gay pornography, I date men, I abandoned my church and am venturing into the unknown, with only my fellow bloggers for a community now. But it scares the hell out of me to think that if maybe I am changing, or healing, or was just confused--or if I'm bi, then that means I can "choose" to find a woman over a man, and live a "normal" Mormon life with a wife and kids.
I know that I'm just scared and confused and that the reason I don't feel much physical desire for men is because I've not found a man whom I'm attracted to both physically and intellectually, and I know that I need that--my sexual desire spawns from a desire to make the person I care about feel good, and to show my love for them--not because I'm all hot for cock.
Bah, sorry for this post. I realize it's a terribly disorganized jumble of angst and confusion, but I suppose that's the only way to convey how mixed up I feel. I've started to write three posts in the last three days but I never finish them, so I just jumbled them all together and got them out the door for you.
I suppose I'll be sending that e-mail late tonight... wish me luck.
Have a great weekend.
I will agree with you on one point: you seem confused.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm going to add my perspective on your confusion. First of all, being gay doesn't mean you desire cock. I as well am not turned on by seeing that part of male anatomy. It's nice that they have one, but I don't desire to do anything with it. It's the rest of the man that turns me on.
On the other side of the coin, have you ever viewed male-female porn? Would you be turned on by lesbian porn? Have you fantasized about women? If the answer is often, then you might be bi. If the answer is once, twice, or I can count it on one hand... then you're probably gay.
When I first remember being aroused by men and fantasizing about them, I wasn't thinking about sex, not anal, not oral, nothing. I just imagined myself holding the man, touching him and snuggling. Eventually the idea of kissing a guy really turned me on. Those things still work for me. But my tastes have expanded too.
I think perhaps you are viewing bisexuality as some kind of compromise. That you could be partially gay, but still live a straight life and be happy. I'll tell you, that's only sometimes true. Many bisexual people report that they are sexually attracted to both genders and need sex with both genders to feel fulfilled. So where does that leave a moral person who doesn't sleep around? Sexually unfulfilled because if he's married to a woman he can never have sex with a man and vice versa. Having sex with a woman does not fulfill their desire to have sex with a man. I don't envy those people.
I think what you need is a group of normal, moral, gay friends. You need a chance to see that a "gay lifestyle" can also mean monogamy, zero alcohol and drugs, clean fun and happiness. The Church has those things, but it does *not* have a monopoly on them.
Give yourself time. It is much more important to have good friends who support you then it is to have sex or even a boyfriend. And having those friends can lead to the second and third thing.
What BigRed Hammer Said!
ReplyDeleteI hope you figure it out soon, I'm sure you will.
Close your eyes, think about that person you want to spend your life with. their hair, eye's nose, lips, body. does it show a gender or still just features? I do think sex is only a part of the love you seek.
Good luck friend.